[relationshipa1]

I have two guys that are interested in me and I am interested in them. They both have their unique qualities and they have totally different personalities. I don’t know what I want, who I want, or what to do – any help is greatly appreciated!

Having just ended a four year marriage I thought I would start dating again so I set up a profile online and sure enough I had guys taking interest. This is how I met guy #1. He’s a great guy, sweet, generous, and unfortunately has cancer (which he is being treated for). I am attracted to guy #1 but I’m not sure how much. We have only met up two times and have talked to each other by phone and text for a couple months. He made it clear he wants to start a relationship and if all goes well move in together and basically have a family. He was planning on moving back to New Orleans but said that he would stay if I wanted him to. After much thought I told guy #1 that I wanted him to stay and that we could try it out.

I just moved into an apartment about a month ago and after some bizarre circumstances, I met my upstairs neighbor, guy #2. My car’s interior light kept turning on by itself and my neighbor knocked on my door one day and told me so I could save my car battery from a slow death. Well, a few days later I had to run to pick up some supplies for my appliances and needed assistance – low and behold it was my upstairs neighbor but I didn’t recognize him, he said I looked familiar and we figured it out. Well after that we started talking outside about anything and everything… we talked for hours. We have now been talking for several days and for several hours at a time. I know he is interested in me by the signals he’s giving off, and while we have done nothing more than talk and a quick hug, I know he will make an advance very soon.

Guy #1 has no family here but is willing to stay just for me. He has offered to help me numerous times financially and emotionally. He wants to be cared for and doesn’t want to be alone, especially while going through the cancer treatments.
Guy #2 has family close by and is not suffering from any illness that I know of. I have only known him for a short time, but seems like he would help me in any way he can.

Guy #1 has some things in common with me, but I don’t feel the connection I do with Guy #2.
Guy #2 is so much like me it’s unbelievable, from striking similarities in personality, interests, humor, and beliefs.

Guy #1 has been to college, has a degree in plumbing, while currently unemployed due to health reasons, he gets paid well working at construction sites.
Guy #2 is very intelligent although he has not gone to college and is only working in retail at the moment. I’m looking for stability and what to expect in the future… retail is not what I was hoping for.

I feel obligated to go with Guy #1 because I made some sort of commitment to him and I talked to him first. I know I need to address this the next time I see Guy #2, but I’m not sure how to approach this. I feel like if I tell him about guy #1 things will become uncomfortable between us and he’ll notice every time I have Guy #1 over. I’m kinda scared maybe I should be going with Guy #2 instead, but I am so unsure about how I feel about either of them. I like both but I don’t want to hurt them or myself.

What should I do?

[April Masini]

You made a mistake by making a commitment to Guy #1 after only 2 dates. [i]Big[/i] mistake. And now, you have to correct that mistake, and it’s going to be uncomfortable — in fact that’s probably why you’ve written me in the first place. You know what you have to do, but you don’t want to do it. Sorry — you need to do it!

If Guy #1 has cancer and was planning to move back to New Orleans, until you agreed to “start a relationship with him” he made the wrong move, too! He doesn’t even know you! And clearly he’s scared because he’s sick and looking for someone to take care of him, and while you’re liking his attention and wanting to take care of him, it’s the wrong thing for you to be doing now. You can’t take care of him because you need to take care of yourself. He doesn’t want to “date.” He wants to [i]commit![/i] You shouldn’t be looking for a commitment right now. You should be looking to test the dating waters. Guy #1 needs to be with his family and old friends, and maybe a girlfriend — but not you. You’re going to end up feeling trapped and resentful with him, and he’s going to end up feeling betrayed by your lack of commitment. It’s going to end badly.

So do the right thing and tell Guy #1 that you made a mistake, and that you really don’t know if you want to have a relationship with him or not. You can tell him you’ve enjoyed your 2 dates, but that you would be dishonest with him if you told him you were ready to stop playing the field so soon. (I mean, it hasn’t even been a month!) You may hurt his feelings by saying this, but if you don’t, you’re going to hurt them more, the longer he thinks you’re “in” the relationship, when the truth is you’re already considering other guys. Encourage him to go back to New Orleans like he originally planned.

As for you, remember: you [i]just[/i] divorced, and you [i]just[/i] got a new apartment. You [i]just[/i] started putting your profile online, and you’re [i]just [/i]getting responses. You should really play the field, date different men to find out who they are and what you like and want in a man and a relationship, now, post-divorce. If Guy #2 asks you out, it sounds like you like him enough to go! A date is not a marriage. Two dates is not a relationship. Dating is a process of getting to know men so you can choose one to have intimacy with — and I don’t just mean sex. I mean emotional intimacy, companionship and, yes, sex, too! You may even want to re-marry! So keep your eye on the ball.

And while I’ve just given you a lot of advice, you’d do really well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, to help you date well now that you’re back in the game again. You can order the book online, download it immediately, and start reading a chapter a night. By the time you’re done, I bet you’ll be in a great place to get out there and find Mr. Right this time around!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your advice! You’re absolutely right, and I guess I have known what to do, I just hate having to do it.

I feel really guilty because he has cancer and he doesn’t have any family left, only some friends out of state, and he’s been sick from the medication he’s on. I do care about him, but not like I think I should. I would like to see what’s out there… and you’re right, I don’t want to just jump into another serious relationship right now as I’m enjoying being single and having the ability to flirt and look for potential dates.

I agree that it’s probably going to be a complete disaster if I let it continue, so I will have to end it asap. It’s making me feel very uncomfortable and guilty, I just can’t stand it anymore.

Thank you, you have really shed light on the matter.

[April Masini]

I’m really glad you figured out what to do. What you need to keep an eye on is your [i]guilt factor[/i]. When you feel badly because you can’t help someone, it assumes you have the power to help them in the first place. The truth is that you were going to fool this guy into thinking you wanted him and only him — because you thought you could make him feel better by doing so. In the long run you were going to hurt him. You were going to be resentful, angry, abandoning — and that’s just for starters!

If you take a step (or ten 😉 ) back, you’ll see that it was actually a little grandiose of you to think you were going to make this guy with cancer feel better by starting a relationship with him now. The reality is you’re human; you’re limited; and you’re newly divorced right now, so your focus is (and should be) elsewhere — not on making this guy feel safe, secure and happy. Whether he has cancer or whether he’s hurt from a past relationship or whether he’s just lost a job and feels down and out — you are limited as to what you can do. Just because a man needs help doesn’t mean you have the resources to help him. And same for men with women!

This doesn’t mean you’re a cripple or a lesser person! It just means that you’re human, and right now, you’re in transition. Ideally, you want to find someone who is [i]compatible[/i]. This means you both have the same goals. You feel better about yourself when you’re with him, and he feels better about himself when he’s with you.

When you understand your own limits as a unique human being, you’re going to get rid of a lot of [i]guilt[/i] in your life. You’re also going to stop dating guys you have no business being in a relationship with. Get to know yourself during this transition time in your life, and be honest about what you can and cannot do. It sounds like a small thing, but it’s instrumental for having a good relationship — whether it’s in love, business or friendship.

And here’s the catch and the kicker: When you realize your limits, and live your life by surrounding yourself with compatible people, then — and only then — can you start to help people with cancer, with life problems, with political issues, and more. So, know yourself before you take on saving the world.

Good luck!

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