[Brocklesnar03]

Ok, I have a real complex situation here that I need to find a quick answer to before it’s too late. I’m not going to beat around the bush, my goal is to get back with my ex-girlfriend and restore our relationship. I know deep down that it is still possible. I haven’t spoken w/ her for about 8 months now since we broke up and went our seperate ways. It ended pretty badly. We dated for about a year and a half and in fact, we’ve been engaged at the time for about 3-4 months, so it was a very bad break-up, however it ended w/ no real closure between the both of us and us walking away holding a strong grudge against each other & one another’s families. I’ve seen her here and there over the last several months since we work for the same company, but haven’t spoken to her & vice versa. I know she started dating somebody shortly after breaking up w/ me (I’m assuming I practically drove her into this schmuck’s arms and made it so easy for him!!) and I’ve been currently dating someone for about 3 months now and she is a very good girl in her own right, however, I have been thinking about my ex a lot lately and the fact that I know I did & said some things wrong towards the end of our relationship and she said & did things as well that were wrong too (Though she’ll never EVER admit that). The point being we both gave up way too quickly when things got complex and we definitly could’ve wroked things out at the time, as difficult as it might’ve been. Instead it seemed like we both got too overwhelmed by the complexity of the situation and went our seperate ways and caused more friction b/ween us over time. I realize this was the wrong way to handle the situation and I would do anything to try to restore things w/ my ex b/c after all the bitterness, anger, rage, hurt, pain and fury that I’ve felt in the aftermath, I still LOVE her very deeply and still care about her and I know at least on some level she has to care about me too still, despite the fact that she is making it look like she doesn’t anymore. Our time together was too intense and too real & the fact we were on the doorstep of being married has to still have some strong feelings for her on her end even though it is a year later. I really thought at the time that I could go on w/out her in my life, and as strong as a person that I am, I realize that I can’t and that I miss her too much. For the most part, our relationship was absolutely great and we really connected w/ one another and believed we had found each other’s soulmates. It was only untill the last month of our relationship that things spiraled quickly downwards seemingly uncontrollably, due in a great part to the interference of her mother into the relationship. Her mother was very very very involved in her daughters life & affairs and that was becoming problematic at the time. However, that is another bridge we’ll have to cross at a later time, my first objective here is to get our paths to cross again and to speak to one another w/out it ending up in a fight about the past. What’s my best course of action into initiating contact again w/ her??? Do I just give her a call and if so, what do I say?? Do I go to talk to her in person after work?? Do I go to her house one day and try to talk to her?? (Though I do not think that would be wise, at least not yet) I urgently need to do something fast, and can’t afford for it to be the wrong action. I have to at least give it all I’ve got to get back the LOVE of my life and I can’t let her wind up w/ some other guy that obviously came along as a shoulder to cry on at the right time. I can’t let this guy win!! Please help…… I did try sending her some flowers several months ago after we had broken up, but that didn’t work and she didn’t even return my phone calls, not even to scream or yell at me to take them back. It was a bit strange that she seemed to avoid any kind of contact w/ me whatsoever. I want to make one final, last attempt to restoring our relationship and I will be as persistent & resilient as ever and will let LOVE be the fuel behind my drive to do this. If anyone has any valuable suggestions or advice, I’d greatly appreciate it or if anyone’s been through a similar situation w/ a x-GF or x-BF, I really would like to hear your input. Thank you

[April Masini]

I don’t think you’re going to have much luck since she ignored your flowers and has disengaged from your phone calls in recent months. It’s one thing for you to want her back, but she’s got to want you back, too.

In addition, if your problems were with her mother, as well, understand that she’s never going to get rid of her mother, so if you want her, you’re going to have to make peace with her mom.

That said, if you want to give it a try and make sure you’ve crossed every T and dotted every I before you walk away, the best way to contact her is by writing an old fashioned letter and mailing it to her. Love letters are romantic and you take the time to make sure that you’ve said what you wanted to say before you mail it.

If you show up at her door, she may consider your behavior too forward and bordering on stalking since you’ve already sent flowers and called with no response from her. So give a letter a shot.

Good luck!

[Brocklesnar03]

You have a valid point w/ her ignoring the flowers and not calling back, but somehow I got the feeling her mother had a strong influence in her not responding and not calling me back, otherwise, I think she would have. I understand her mother is always going to be a significant part of her life, but the fact is, she has her daughter controlled like a puppet, and she’s the puppetmaster and it’s absolutely ridiculous that a 26 year old young woman cant think for herself and has to always have her mothers approval/input on every issue in her life. I know I need to make peace w/ her mother, which I will in time. The fact of the matter is that her Mom was never really sold on the idea that I was perfect for her daughter. She seems to think her daughter can do better, which in her “elitist & greedy” point of view, means she can find someone else “better” (which means simply someone w/ a solid, secure 6 figure income). She thinks her daughter was a step above me b/c they lived in a privledged, nice upper-middle class area and they have a property worth $1Mil and I’m from a modest, blue-collared background where I was taught the that everything u get in life is earned and not handed to you. The fact is her Mom deliberately degraded and insulted not only me but my family as well one day at her house and 3 days later she leaves a phony, poor-attempt of an apology on my voicemail that I knew wasn’t very sincere. She wasn’t sorry about what she said, which it seemed like she meant….she was only sorry that it came out in the heat of that moment and was only apologizing b/c of how upset her daughter got in the aftermath. Trust me, this lady is far from a saint. She’s an absolute control freak that takes no prisoners! It’s going to be very difficult to get her to loosen her tight grip she’s got on her daughter, but again that’s something i’ll have to deal w/ after step 1. Step 1 is getting back in contact w/ her DAUGHTER 1st, not her mother. Quite frankly, I can forgive her mom for what she said, and do what needs to be done to restore the relationship, but I’m never going to forget it so I’ve got my guard up from now on.

that being said, would u suggest, I still go ahead and write the letter 1st?? and if so, should it be a couple pages or should I just keep it short and to the point and see how she responds?? Or on the contrary, should I try to reach out to her mom 1st and try my best to make peace w/ her, this way she won’t interfere w/ any contact I try to make w/ her daughter????

[April Masini]

First of all, why do you want a girlfriend who happens to be, as you call her, [i]a puppet[/i]? Wouldn’t you rather have a woman who speaks her own mind and isn’t controlled by a parent? It’s easy for you to blame the mother because that means you don’t have to take responsibility for your choice in women. What’s more difficult is for you to consider why you are choosing someone who is so weak. 🙁

Second of all, if you do want this woman back, then you’re going to have to deal with your anger towards her mother. As long as you feel as venomous as you do towards her mother you’re ALWAYS going to have problems (at best) in this relationship (if you can even get a relationship going now).

What I’d encourage you to do is to stop being angry and consider her mother’s point of view. How bad is it, really, for her mother to want her daughter to be with someone who’s wealthy? Just because you’re not rich and you don’t come from a wealthy background, is it really so wrong for a mother to want wealth for her daughter? It sounds like her mother isn’t making [i]a personal[/i] affront against you — she just wants a rich boyfriend for her daughter. Rather than get angry, why not consider that there may be something honorable in this mother wanting what she wants for her daughter? Or, if not honorable, just neutral — and different? Why not consider turning your life around, and getting out there and getting a some sort of job or getting into a career that will yield you a considerable income. You can’t change your blue collar upbringing, but you can change your own income. In doing so, you may be able to win over this woman AND her family.

And lastly, the fact that her mother apologized for her own behavior at all — phony baloney or not — should get her a few points with you — not the anger you’ve unleashed. So lighten up. I know you didn’t get what you wanted, but take a few breaths.

Deal with your anger, re-strategize, and THEN if this is still the woman you decide you want, understand that given her family attitude towards socio-economics, you’re the one who’s going to have to make the changes in your life to get her back — not her.

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