[thmph3]

Hi April,
So here is my situation. For the past three months I have been living with a guy that I have dated on and off for about 3 years. We had a rocky first two years but the last year of our relationship has been smooth but it has had its share of problems. Mainly with his unwillingness to committ. However, with his encouragement, we moved in together about three months ago and for things have been going great. Although, we have not officially confirmed that we are a couple, he and I have been pretty much doing all of the couple things. I have not wanted to press the issue and cause any type of wedge between us while we live together, so I have just been enjoying the moment. But honestly, I love this man. So here goes the problem. I have a male co-worker who I am semi-friends with. What I mean by semi-friends, is that we pretty much only talk to each other at work and go to lunch at work every once in a while. It is strictly co-worker friendly, and the only reason we pretty much get along so well is because we are the only 20 somethings in the entire office. He is in a very committed relationship with two children and there is no flirting or anything going on between us. Well yesterday at work, I mentioned to him that I made so much Thanksgiving food, and there were plenty of leftovers if he wanted to come by and get a plate for himself and another co-worker of ours. I honestly just wanted to get rid of as much of the food as possible, because it’s only me and my boyfriend in the apartment and we are getting tired of eating it. So I live less than five minutes from my job and my co-worker and I went to my apt and he fixed his plate and mentioned how he love my boyfriend’s flat screen and how the place was nice. All in all he was there for about 10 min max. He never sat down, and we never moved past the kitchen or living room, and I didn’t even close the front door. It was strictly get the food and leave. So later that night, I mention to my boyfriend that my co-worker came by and took some of this food off our hands and that he was raving about how he liked my boyfriend’s flat screen. I thought maybe telling him about my male co-worker would make him feel like he could trust me or not think that I would hide anything from him, but immediately he became defensive and mad. he said that the fact that I was telling him was because I was trying to play games to get some reaction out of him.He said his ex girlfriend in high school used to do it to him all the time and that I’m worse because I’m 25. I have no idea what reaction he thinks I was trying to get out of him, but now he refuses to talk to me and has threatened to move out. He also mentioned that what would of happened if he came home and saw us there. I told him that he would have seen nothing bad happenening and most likely my co-worker would have been happy to finally meet him, because I talk about him all the time. I don’t know what to do because I thought I was doing the right thing by mentioning it to him. He also said he no longer trusts me.
So sorry for the long post. Please. Any advice is definitely appreciated. I want to work on this. Thank you>

[April Masini]

Your boyfriend isn’t Mr. Right. And you’re so anxious to cling to him, you’re giving up important parts of who you are, and you’re walking on egg shells around this guy just so he won’t leave. This dynamic isn’t going to get better.

He doesn’t want to commit to you, and the fact that you say you’re living together, but are not “officially confirmed as a couple” is really unfortunate. If you decide to live with a man after dating for three years, there shouldn’t be commitment problems. You’ve just taken yourself off the market by moving in with him, and he should be cherishing this decision you made for him. That he’s threatening to move out and break up after this incident with your co-worker, is just one of a serious of incidents he’s going to use to control you. As long as you’re scared of his breaking up with you, he’s got control in the relationship. This isn’t healthy, and it’s not going to bring you happiness. It’s also going to chip away at your self esteem.

All you really owe your boyfriend after the co-worker incident is an apology for not knowing his feelings and a promise that you won’t do it again. But that’s not going to keep him from emotionally abusing you and telling you he can no longer trust you. He’s going to continue to look for a way to control you.

I don’t think that this is the guy for you, and I know you’ve spent 3 years of your life trying to cultivate a relationship with him, but if this is what you have after 3 years, you can do a LOT better.

[Author]

Posts