I Regret Not Being Upfront Earlier

[okaywat]

I met a wonderful man after years of running into jerks. He’s very mature and successful. Our chemistry upon meeting was so magnetic and continued on with a strong undeniable physical and mental attraction. He bragged about me being a good catch and he always mentioned how intelligent and attractive I was. He also discussed how he never dated anyone that he had such a chemistry with besides me. We were just a man and a woman who found each other, had a ton in common and were crazy about one another. The problem is that I was dishonest about my age. We dated for 3 months before he found out that I was 9 years older than I said I was. He was also dishonest about his age however. He is actually 2 years younger than he said he was. So that actually puts his age at 26 and mine at 39. (I look like I’m 25). I never revealed to him that I knew about his real age. After dating him for a while, age didn’t play a factor for me. After finding out that we were so compatible, I was afraid to reveal my age assuming that he would not want to date me. Now that he found out that I deceived him about my age, he refuses to talk to me. He said that he needs space to think about everything. He said that I hurt and deceived him. It’s been two weeks and I have not spoken to him since. I received one text from him stating that there was a lot going through his head and he needed time to get his thoughts together. It’s been two weeks and I’m scared that I messed up a wonderful relationship. I’m not even sure if he’ll ever speak to me again. I love him and have expressed my deepest feelings on the matter and have explained why I lied about my age. What should I do? What advice do you have for me?

[April Masini]

Okay — so you told him you were 30, but you’re 39, and he told you he was 26, but he’s 24.

It sounds like he doesn’t want to date you because you lied, or else he doesn’t want to date you because you’re 39 and doesn’t want to come out and tell you he thinks you’re too old for him. Either way, you’ve lied, he’s found out on his own, and he’s now done. 😳 The fact that he lied, too, and you lied again by not telling him you know he lied (I know this is a little complicated), means that the path you were on with him wasn’t necessarily destined for real intimacy that requires honesty.

I think you’ve done all you can do here. He’ll either come around or not, but my advice is for future cougar dating: You don’t have to tell him your age, but don’t lie about it. You can be coy without shaving nine years off your age to his face. This isn’t an acting gig where you’re trying to appear younger in the face of ageism. This is a real person who wants to be able to trust you. If you treat him like someone who doesn’t deserve the truth, he’s going to be a boy toy who will never be close to you, or he’ll take offense.

It’s fine to have an age gap, and frankly, the one you actually have, he being 24 and you being 39, is totally do-able — but if you want something long term, honesty is more important than an age gap.

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