I snooped around and learned Fiance flirts with X

[relationshipa1]

Dear April,

I have been engaged for a year and plan to get married in 5 months. I live with my fiance who left his email account open. I ackowledge it was wrong of me, but I looked through some of his saved emails and chats and found many between him and his X girlfriend. The content was disturbing and shocking! He reassured her he thought she was very “HOT” and that she could get any guy b/c she’s so hot. They talked about their intimate moments when they had dated and how he’s really attracted to her. I even learned that one month before he proposed, he asked HER to his high school reunion (as I was unable to make it). (How could he??) I confronted him about it and he looked genuinely sorry and said that “it was only physical” and that “she’s just a fantasy” and he never physically cheated on me, or any girlfriend for that matter. I am struggling as to what I should do, if anything, about the wedding as I do not trust him anymore. Before this, I felt I can trust him in a room alone with a supermodel and now I can’t trust him w/ my most attractive friend. I was shocked, pissed, and now I’m more confused than anything. Is what I’m feeling normal? And should I defer my wedding until I can trust him 100% again? Is that even possible anymore?? Thank you so much April.

[April Masini]

Your feelings are justifiable, and you have a right to be uncertain about whether or not you should proceed with your wedding. What is of concern is that your fiance was flirting with his ex-girlfriend, and inviting her as his date to a class reunion, only one month before he proposed marriage to you. This isn’t the behavior of a man who’s sure about you, or of a man who is going to be committed to you in the way you want him to be.

Cheating means different things to different people, and rather than debate the definition of whether that old line, “I did not have sex with that woman” holds up in a committed relationship or not, I’d counsel you to focus on compatibility in defining cheating. If by telling his ex-girlfriend that she looks hot, and asking her to be his date at a reunion, even though he was dating you at the same time, you feel your boyfriend cheated on you, then you have to make sure he understands your line in the sand. Your boyfriend may think that flirting incessantly and hanging out with other women (including his ex-lovers) doesn’t constitute cheating. You may wildly disagree. The trick here is to find common ground where you can both feel comfortable with each other’s behavior. So, even if your boyfriend doesn’t agree with your definition of cheating, if he can agree to be faithful to you in the way you want, then you can make this work. Likewise, if you can disagree with your fiance’s definition of cheating, but agree to go along with it as long as he doesn’t have sex with anyone else, then you can make this work.

You see that overall, the definition is less important than your compatibility with your fiance on this and other issues. Sex and cheating are hot buttons, as is money, in relationships, so it’s understandable that you’re inflamed over your fiance’s behavior this time.

My suggestion is to follow your instincts, and postpone the wedding indefinitely. While calling off a wedding is a big drag, it’s a lot less cumbersome than wading through a troubled and failing marriage that ends in divorce. While you’re wildly upset now, if you can take a few steps back and see this setback as a gift meant to open your eyes to what you may have been, up to now, ignoring in your fiance, you can breathe a little easier without having the deadline pressure of a wedding date. Then see if you can work through your issues with him about fidelity and compatibility. If you can, then proceed with the wedding. If you can’t, be grateful for the gift you found out about, that seemed like a burden at the time.

[Cristi]

I would be very upset if I were in your situation as well. I think you need to talk to him and tell him your boundries. He should know its not right to be asking an ex as a date while he is with you, that I find to be disrespectful to you. A good rule of thumb: if he can openly tell you without worrying he is doing something wrong, then he probably is in the clear. However I noticed you did not know about this until way after the fact. Getting married is a big decission and you need to be able to trust him. If you do not think you can get passed this issue then it might be a good idea to postpone the wedding.
& just so you know, when you snoop around and find stuff then let him know, you could be loosing his trust. & he knows he needs to cover his tracks better. If a man is determined to cheat or be deceitful, he will be. However if a man is determined to make things work, he will do whatever it takes (maybe not 100% all at once)

[April Masini]

Cristi and I are on the same page! 🙂

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