I’m a terrible person, right?

[relationshipa1]

My bf of 7 months & I only have one slightly complex disagreement: He still emails & texts his ex.

This I knew getting into the relationship & as a fairly confident, intelligent, self-proclaimed “non-jealous bitch”, I wasn’t too concerned about it. Just a sidenote, the two of them dated for three years and lived together. They broke up because of distance and differing goals (he is getting his PhD [as am I] and hopes to travel the world, she wants to be a homemaker).

The problem began when he used my laptop to check his email…and forgot to log out. I’m sure you can see where this is going. I took my laptop home, realized his mistake,…and proceeded to read through their entire conversation thread. The first time this happened was a month ago. Even further, I noticed a post-it note above his desk with all of his passwords. His listed email password was “ilove(Ex’s name)1”. Sickened, I tried it and it works.

It has become a problem, logically. I likely read his emails more than he reads his own. He also in person and in conversation has refused my request to tell his ex that he has a new girlfriend because he, “hates to hurt people” (Who doesn’t?). I believe it’s better for her to hear it from him than from friends.

In the emails she still confesses her love for him (and he does the same to her!), sends him dirty pictures, and updates him multiple times on the proceedings of her day. He does the same (minus the dirty pictures). The one good piece of information is that when she asks whether they’ll ever get back together he always insists that they won’t.

Problems have arisen when I ask him questions about certain things (often, admittedly, prompted by something I have read in his emails), and he responds with opposite opinions than those stated to his ex. For example: Me: So dear, did you talk to your ex at all on NYE (I was away on vacation with my family)? I know that she likes to drunkdial you.” Him: “Of course not.” His email from her: “Thank you for talking to me so much through NYE. Hearing you tell me you love me and fake kissing you at midnight made my night.” He also has told me (threatened me, perhaps?) that he broke up with the girl he dated before me because she tried to get him to stop emailing his ex. He states the ex is still his best friend and he’ll never stop. When I asked if I could meet her and become her friend too, he acted as if I was crazy.

This is ruining my attitude towards him and towards continuing our relationship. I know it is completely my fault for invading his privacy, but a part of me is glad that I did. To me, it shows that he is not completely committed to our relationship, and he has no qualms about lying to me (I know, I know, I’m lying to him by checking his email.). Am I completely wrong in continuing to check his email? What about my insistence on his telling his ex of our relationship? I think his relationship with his ex is ruining ours. What are your overall thoughts on my future actions?

[April Masini]

The real problem here is not that you accidentally stumbled on your boyfriend’s open e-mail account and read his mail. The real problem is that you don’t trust him with his ex-girlfriend, and more so, you have evidence that he lies to you about her, and that he refuses to tell her about you or that he refuses to stop taking her e-mails, phone calls and naked photos of herself.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your problem has to do with your boyfriend, not you. By saying that you are the terrible person, you’re trying to equalize the situation and make yourself just as bad as he is. The reason you’re doing this is that you want me to tell you that what he’s doing isn’t so bad. Sorry! Your boyfriend is not ready to let go of his ex-girlfriend, and he’s putting his relationship with her above the one he has with you.

The ball is now in your court. Because this is bothering you a lot, I don’t think you’re going to be able to continue with him without a lot of heart ache. He’s laid down the law that she stays because he doesn’t like to “hurt people” — and by “people” he means her. You, he doesn’t care so much about hurting. Her, he’s protective of.

While you may feel badly about this dilemma, be grateful that you didn’t go along with this for years only to realize you couldn’t deal with his relationship with the ex. Instead, you’ve figured this out after 7 months, and won’t waste any more of your valuable time (or his) on a man who’s not compatible because he’s not one hundred percent available.

[katdawg]

You’re not a terrible person! you are getting your PhD! That makes you a DANG SMART person. You deserve a LOT more than this man is not even close to offering you. I wouldn’t even call him a man! I would leave him in an instant. The time and energy you’re putting into a man not worthy – you could be missing out on meeting the one you are supposed to be with. HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME AND ENERGY! Take your life back and be available to someone who wants to put you first.

[April Masini]

Sorry, Katdawg, but I’ve got to disagree with you on this one! 😆 Just because someone has a PhD or any other academic degree doesn’t make them wise in matters of the heart. Lots of really “intelligent” people who are accomplished and have lots of accolades are clueless when it comes to dating.

So, without passing any judgment on them, let’s give good relationship advice to all people across the board who need it — from high school drop outs to tenured university professors! 😀

[katdawg]

😆 i was trying to be nice and help her see she has something going for her. i agree though – just because you’re book smart doesn’t make you heart/street smart.

[April Masini]

Hey Katdawg — I don’t know if YOU have a PhD or not, but your advice to so many readers here is so right on. I’m really glad you’re contributing — and it’s GREAT to see your photo!! 😀

[katdawg]

heck no, I don’t have a Ph.D. (not even close, just a high school diploma) although, everyone in my family is pressuring me to go back to college; i just don’t have 60k to pay for a piece of paper to prove i’m smart. i have A LOT of years of street smarts, dysfunctions, soul searching and learning from wonderful people like you and many others in your field. you should see all the books lining my shelves, yours included. everything in my life has so come together for me now and i have never seen things so clearly than i do today. it’s wonderful. you’re a part of my journey, April, and i hope to one day be just as awesome as you! need someone to mentor? 😀

[April Masini]

Sure, I’ll be your mentor — let me know what you need that you’re not getting from this site! In the meantime, glad to have you here. 🙂

[katdawg]

hi, April. last week sometime I posted some replies and I noticed they were all deleted. I am learning and was just wondering if you could give me pointers as to what not to do. I don’t know how to send a private message to you but you should have my private email. Any advice from you even if you are criticizing me would be appreciated.

[kai]

Hi Katdawg.

I am so so so sorry… If one (or more) of your posts got deleted it was 100% by accident and my fault.

April would not delete your posts. She LOVES your advice and has even commented to me about how great it is.

I sincerely apologize.

We had a ton of porn spam posted last week and I must have been deleting it too fast and got your posts mixed in by mistake.

I will be more careful.

I’m sorry.

Kai

[April Masini]

Katdawg — I would never get angry — even if I disagreed with a post! Once in a blue moon some responses are accidently deleted along with a ton of spam that slips through. I’m sorry if your valuable advice was lost!

Keep it coming. 😀

[katdawg]

Hi, Kai.

No need for the apology but thank you. I thought maybe I got too personal by sharing my experiences.

Spammers sure do make it difficult for the folks that are truly trying to make a difference. You’re lucky to be working with April. You guys ROCK!

Thank you for the kudos. I am learning from the BEST!

Katawg

[April Masini]

You’re welcome! 😀

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