I’m in love with a married man 700 miles away

[terriblytorn13]

I’ve met a man on a business trip. We kissed and stayed in touch. I’m practically married with two kids and my fiance spends my money doesn’t work is mean to me and does verry little house work. The man I met feels like a perfect match. The man i met is also married we talk every day. We have gone for a 3 day trip together. Now i can’t stop thinking about hm. I daydream of a day we can be together he says he does the same. I know it could be a long time before we can be together but even though its painful i think i can hold on. I have no one to tell about this so i need an outside opinion and even have started ae journal aski ng for feedback. My journal with the details of my situation can be found by googling terriblytorn13. Thank you. I need an outside perspective so bad. Ask any questions you like.

[April Masini]

There are a couple of problems you can work on:

First, if your fiance is mean to you, doesn’t work, spends your money and doesn’t help around the house….WHY are you marrying him? 😯

Second, you say that the man you more recently met is a “perfect match”. He’s married. He lives 700 miles away. There is no way he is a “perfect match” if he’s married to someone else and geographically unavailable. 😮

I’m not sure why you think he’s going to leave his wife for you, but it really sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to avoid dealing with your fiance.

My advice is that you wake up and smell the coffee — this other guy is not available, so stop talking to him everyday. Stop planning to meet him, and let go of the idea that “one day” you’ll be together. Next, you need to break up with your fiance. If he’s mean, not working, spending your money and not helping around the house, and you have two kids already, you need a better relationship and situation.

Once you’re single, you should read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], so you can understand how to choose Mr. Right by picking someone available and suitable.

I hope that helps and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

[terriblytorn13]

Thank you for the advice. It’s tough to face making such hard changes. I’m not sure I can do it right away. I’m going to try. I think I’ll stay in touch with the other guy. I wish I could explain how unique I believe our match is but it would take a long time. I plan on cutting back on how often we talk. I’ll try to let you know how it goes.

[terriblytorn13]

After I read your advice my heart sank. I’ve been moping around like a heart broken teenager who just got dumped. I haven’t been able to keep from crying at every love song. My lover is on a trip with family and he can only send me texts. He sends me love songs and tells me how he misses my kisses and my embrace. My financee watches me clean and cook but tells me how much he loves me and that even after 15 year
s he would still hit on me if he didn’t know me. It’s weird to be so saddened by this. I hope i csn do the right thing

[April Masini]

I’m sorry to be harsh, but I think you need a wake up call: You’re NOT a teenager who’s had her heart broken. Get a mirror and look in it. You’re a grown woman with a fiance that you’ve described as Mr. Wrong. The man you’re in love with is MARRIED. He’s not “with family” — he’s with HIS WIFE and possibly HIS CHILDREN. He’s 700 MILES AWAY. If you stop sugar coating the truth, maybe you’ll take some appropriate actions. But, if you don’t take care of business in your own home, you’re going to continue to distract yourself with other married men, as well as this one. Be brave and face the music — at home. You need to let go of your fiance since you’ve described him as someone you shouldn’t be with.

I know that being alone is scary for you, but you’ll never meet Mr. Right unless you do the work. As it is, you’re bouncing from one Mr. Wrong to another. Eventually this pattern will catch up with you and force you to hit rock bottom if you don’t figure it out and take positive actions yourself. 🙁

[wife700milesaway]

I could be his wife. My husband is in love with someone 700 miles away. We have been married for 19 years, most of them good – but there have been stresses on our marriage from a number of directions. While we have talked through about a number of issues that have been at the root of why our marriage was weaker than I realized, it is close to impossible to work on our marriage now when he thinks he has this other person 700 miles away. Our lives will never be the same. Our children’s lives will never be the same…I would urge you if you have any decency, to think about those other people in his life and tell him to sort out his own life before carrying on with you.

I would also recommend you try to be a good parent to those two boys – much like the woman who my husband has been involved with…I am heartbroken, but I am also trying to figure out what will happen next, and no matter what happens, I will put my kids first and make sure I am doing everything I can to take care of them. If my life with my husband is truly over, I won’t bring anyone else into it without being absolutely sure that it is the best thing for my children and myself.

[terriblytorn13]

You are so strong to be working through this situation. I do feel terrible when I think of how hurt his wife would be if she found out. When my fiance finds out he will also be heart broken. I’m hurt my fiance doesn’t care to be an equal part of our relationship. We partied a lot over our 15 years togethe. It wasn’t till the partying ended and that the lack of balance in our reltionship started to take it’s toll. It’s a lot of hurt. I know I’m not the one. My lover has one child from a previous marrige. His current wife wants a baby and I feel like I’m part of the reason he is not wanting to have one now. They have beenmarried two years and he has kissed several other women but not yet gone all the way with any one but me. I wonder why me. He could have an affair with a woman who lives closer. He spent hundreds of dollars to come visit me. I know things can’t go on like this. I’ll be working a little at a time to clean up the mess i have made.

[April Masini]

[i]Stop focusing on your feelings and start doing the right thing. [/i] The pity party ended when you became a mother. You don’t come first any more. Your children do. You have a responsibility to do the right thing.

Break up with your fiance. You should not be with someone who is mean, spends your money and doesn’t work. This is a terrible step-father for your children, let alone a partner you! 😮

Stop contacting the guy who’s married. Again, this is a terrible example for your children, and you’re hurting yourself, this other guy, his wife and his children.

I’m sorry to be harsh, but you’re being selfish and shirking responsibility because of your [i]feelings[/i].

Use this mess to turn over a new leaf and start parenting and dating successfully! 😀

[terriblytorn13]

Thank you for giving me advice. These tough words are probably exactly what I need to do. I do want to clear up that my fiance is the father of both of my kids. My kids are very happy, healthy and well mannered. He is a good Dad. I spend time with them every day and work full time. I’m the only income for my family and have been for years.
My lovers kid is from a previous marrige and is only with him occasionally. He and his wife been married only about two years. I’m not the first girl he’s kissed but I am the first he flew to to have an affair with.

I’m holding down a lot here and I’m just trying to feel special and loved while I take care of my real life.

[April Masini]

Now, you’re getting somewhere. 🙂 It was brave of you to stick with things here even though it took some harsh words in lieu of a splash of cold water to the face! 😉 And thank you for making it clear that your fiance is actually your children’s father. That changes my advice. It also clarifies why you’re staying with your fiance in spite of your problems with him.

The main problem you have here is not this guy who’s 700 miles away and married. He’s what you’ve used as a distraction so you don’t have to roll up your sleeves and do the hard work at home. Luckily, you chose someone SO in appropriate in this 700 mile man, that it should be easy for you see this isn’t about him. It’s about YOU.

You’ve made a family and you’re having problems with your fiance. You need to focus first and foremost on those problems. It’s clear from your description what he’s doing that you don’t like. Now for the harder part (just when you thought that that hard part had come and gone!): [i]What is your part in this bad relationship you have with your fiance? [/i]

Have you stopped being the woman he fell in love with? Have you let yourself go? Have you made the bedroom a utilitarian venue instead of a pleasure place? Making a relationship work is not easy — but you have a lot invested and you need to put in the work required. Your two children want you and your fiance to love each other and be happy together. You owe it to the kids to give it a shot — not to mention yourself.

Your choice of this married man 700 miles away who is no doubt cheating with other women besides you at the same time as he is you, is so unavailable that subconsciously, you don’t really want him — you just want to feel good. Work on getting that feeling at home. It won’t be easy. It’s an uphill journey — and I have confidence that you have the goods to get there.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[terriblytorn13]

My fiance is not pulling his weigh in our household. It makes me depressed and resentful. I’m not sure how to encourage him to do better. He still says he loves me, thinks I’m beautiful and desirable. However he doesn’t take care of the housework. He doesn’t participate in our household finances unless it’s to spend. He is a stay at home Dad and I work full time. How can I get results without being a nag and triggering a fight.

[April Masini]

You need to answer the questions I asked you in my last post to you. 😮 Once you do that, I can advise you further. 😉

[terriblytorn13]

I’m not sure what how to answer that question. I look at my relatinship and the most damaging thing I see that I’ve done is let stuff slide. All these years I’d be frustrated pulling most of the weight but only complaining a little and never putting my foot down. I’m finaly disgusted by it. I almost think I could be more OK if he would be respectful and greatful for the effort I put in and not turn on me in a flash. I try my best to be friendly and loving while I work full time, take care of 90% of the house work and take care of the kids until they go to sleep then either try to exercise or handle something around the house. I do try to be nice, I do put myself together nicely. I do have a problem right now showing physical affection to him because between being so tired he just doesn’t turn me on. I guess right now he seams more like another kid than my man. If he could do better it would free up time, lift my spirits and maybe make him more appealing to me.

[April Masini]

It’s great that you recognize your responsibility in this situation. Letting things go for years can definitely lead you to a rut in your relationship. Now that you know where you let things go, my advice is that you stop doing that and change the pattern in YOUR behavior. 🙂 One of the first things you have to do is to try and get the spark back in your relationship. If your fiance sees you as a woman he cherishes and adores, he’s going to [i]want[/i] to do things for you and take care of you. Sex is important in relationships and if you’re not having sex with him, you can’t expect him to want to be all that committed. 😕 You’re very busy focusing on all that’s wrong. Instead, start focusing on making things exciting in the bedroom so that you can reignite his memory about the woman he first proposed to. 😎 You can’t be halfway in the relationship and halfway out and expect to be happy. It’s all or nothing.

Once your sex life is back on track, I guarantee he’s going to be much more interested in making you happy. But you have to focus on HIM not other men. That’s the way to make things better.

I hope that helps! 😀

[terriblytorn13]

It does help, thank you. Any advice on how to make sex seem real or appealing with someone who right now doesn’t turn me on at all?

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