IM IN LOVE WITH HIM….but im not happy.

[relationshipa1]

[b]So I have been dating this guy for about a year now and things are just getting worse!!! I mean of course things were great in the beginning, they always are. But i just graduated and we’ve been spending more time together or at least IM trying to. Let me back up….we lived kinda far away during my senior year and so i thought we were going to take this oppurtunity to see eachother more often. But for some reason that turned out to be the hardest thing i could ask for!!! For example, i would talk to him on the phone about the next time we will see eachother and then when that times comes up hes out doing something completely different with his cousin!! I get upset and finally CONVINCE him to come see me. You see his cousin lives near me so when he comes down he sees him too. So hes at my house and I ask him what happened to keeping his word and he pushes the same old line at me….hes my family, i care about my family, do you not want me to see my family??….?!?! Of course i thought he was being ridiculous, i didnt tell him that but i tried to be understanding and at the same time convey to him the issue i was having.And the worst part is…hes living with him now!!They got themselves an apartment ,( that i wasnt allowed to live in..still miffed about that one), and my boyfriend has to pay half the rent. Yet his cousin is saying some bs about me not being able to stay longer than three days. I mean his cousin says that we’re cool but for some reason he doesnt want me around there…huh?! And so far his cousin has already claimed that he cant feed me AND him so going over there whenever i want is out of the question. So this whole situation happens ALOT. i mean i talk to him about it and i talk to him about it, but nothing changes. Honestly, the only time im truly happy with him is when he is physically with me…for the most part hes perfect for me. Otherwise, i can hardly get him to call me, or text me, nothing. IM ALWAYS the one calling him or randomly sending him text messages. i even gave him time to do it himself! I still heard nothing from him…but i started to go insane so i finally gave in to calling him. I mean i know he loves me, but i dont feel like he cares about me the way i do. Hes always trying to reassure me, but it only works temporarily. I just wish he would show me a little more dedication to our relationship. I guess what im asking is….what am i supposed to do now? do i suck it up and continue putting my effort in? Am i supposed to give him an ultimatum?….HELP???!!![/b]

[April Masini]

Love is one thing — compatibility is another. You can have feelings of lust and feelings of commitment towards someone, but it doesn’t mean that you’re compatible for one another or right for one another. You may feel like you’re in love with your boyfriend, but you seem to be very unhappy with the relationship, and you have every reason to be.

You don’t need to give your boyfriend an ultimatum. All you have to do is pay attention to what’s going on with him. He’s pulling away from you. This is a sign he’s not so interested in being with you. I know you’re upset and disappointed, but don’t rationalize away what’s happening. It’ will serve you better to deal with it head on.

If he doesn’t return your texts or initiate any contact in terms of calls, texts or e-mails, [i]and [/i] he doesn’t make plans to see you on his own — and when he does, he brings his cousin along, he’s sending you a very clear message that he’d rather do other things than spend time with you.

It’s easy to blame his cousin for not letting you stay in their apartment for more than 3 days, but what’s more difficult and more valuable is for you to consider why your boyfriend isn’t standing up for you spending more time with him.

If a man isn’t that interested in you, it’s a waste of your time to chase him and send ultimatums. Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above. You’ll get a lot of good advice for getting through this situation and moving on in a healthy and happy way.

In the meantime, understand that while you’re unhappy, you have reason to be grateful that this guy is being so clear in not wanting to be a committed and supportive boyfriend. He’s saving you wasted time! You should be the prize that men want to chase and feel lucky to have captured. When you start doing the chasing and the chastising for his bad behavior, the tables have turned, and you’re not the woman he wants or, I’m sure, the woman [i]you[/i] want to be, yourself.

It’s been a year, and this is the time when he should be showing more of a commitment, not less — if he’s interested. But he’s not. Move on and find a man who wants to be with you and is happy to hear from you and see you.

[Anonymous]

Wow… I knew it, but i didn’t want to accept it. I wanted to believe that he really does care about me, that he’s really into me. But i realize that i was fighting with myself, trying to make myself believe that that was the case.

I just want to be with him so badly. I can’t even wrap my head around the idea of ending our relationship. That’s why I keep trying, or chasing as you say. The thing is that he cries to me….when i tell him what hes done wrong. He starts crying about how he’s afraid he’s going to lose me. That he can’t understand why he does what he does. He says its hard…. I really don’t know what to think.

But i did tell him that before. When he first told me about the “three day sentence”, i was hurt. I couldnt believe that he would let his cousin make a rule like that….and he didn’t even stick up for me.

Another thing is that it’s almost like he does things based on his cousins schedule. if his cousin isn’t doing anything thats when he spends time with me. When cousin has to run errands or something else insignificant he has to go with him. But that just goes back to the idea that hes-just-not-interested. 🙁

I guess i just have to do whats best for me right? I deserve better. I shouldnt have to fight with him to show interest.

ah…it’s so much easier said than done. I don’t want anyone else but him. 🙁

[April Masini]

I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. Your feelings of hurt and disappointment and even longing are understandable. But the good news is that you’re really rounding a corner in your own growth and that is going to bring you a lot of happiness and satisfaction in the long run.

It’s very important for you to differentiate between feelings and behavior. In your life you are going to love lots of men, but very few of them are going to be the right ones to be in a committed, intimate relationship with you. As you mature, which you’re doing right in front of the mirror at this moment, you’re going to understand what you want and what you need in a relationship to make you feel safe, supported and happy. A man who takes care of you emotionally and otherwise will put you in a position to flourish as a woman. Your soon to be ex-boyfriend is too needy to put you in a position of health and happiness. Ideally, you’ll meet a man who feels like his best self when he’s doing the right thing by you. That’s when you’ve found Mr. Right.

You and your soon to be ex-boyfriend are both afraid of being alone. The irony is you’re not alone in feeling this fear. Millions of singles join you in not wanting to be alone. But that’s the good news — because there are so many men who want to be in a relationship and want to do right by you. You just have to get out there and find them.

Fifteen bucks buys you my book, Think & Date Like A Man, if you click on the Dating Advice Books link above and buy it. If you read five pages a day, or one chapter a day, you’ll have a daily guide to help you through this rough time and show you how and what to do next.

I know your heart aches now, but I believe you have a very bright future of ahead of you in love and relationships. Keep going.

[dymdeva]

Maybe he is Bisexual and his “cousin” is now his live in lover… how are they cousins? have you met any of his other family members to verify their relation? In this day and age many women seem to ignore or be just plain ignorant about men on the “Down Low”.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

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