i’m not sure if i should leave or forgive him…again.

[cassandra]

Well, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years now and things are pretty serious. We’re engaged and he moved in after only six months of dating him when I just turned sixteen, he just turned eighteen. Also, I lost my virginity to him only after a month of dating, so I have a big emotional connection with him based on that. He even tattooed my initials onto his arm. But right around the time he moved in, I started to get curious about his past relationships, I mean, I wanted to know who he’s been with, I felt I had that right. So at first he answered, but continuously for about a year, I kept finding out new things about new girls and he just kept lying, lying and lying about it all and only confessed to something once I had confronted him about it. So it really hurt me because he promised me a lot of things that he didn’t do in his past that he did, and to find out through a lie like that really hurts. We’ve talked, he apologized, bought me flowers, gave me his line he’ll never hurt me again or lie, that he’s willing to change. Anyway, I’m finally over that, but it took almost two years to officially not feel hurt anymore.

Soon after I turned seventeen, we both moved down south to Mississippi to live with his parents and to find him work. We are originally from Michigan so being that far from my family was really hard on me, especially being so young. Well, things were good in the south and he really took care of me, especially since his parents weren’t the nicest to me and he knew how badly I missed my parents. So after eighteen months of living there, we finally decided it was time to come back home. We got back in October of 2009.

So my big issue now, is ever since we’ve been back, I have caught him talking to another girl who does not like me and has made it clear to him how she doesn’t like me. When I asked him, he told me he was asking for his friends number because she dated his little brother, which that i know is true. But all the times she was calling me nasty names and saying how he should dump me, he never once stood up for me, which really hurts my feelings ’cause he kept talking to her. He didn’t talk to her much, just like, two emails or something, but it’s still painful to think of. But then I come home from work a little early forgetting to call him right when I left work like I usually do, I wanted to surprise him. I walk in and catch him looking at porn. I laughed it off at first like okay whatever, one time that’s fine, didn’t think to look into it ’cause he said his friend told him of the sight and he was curious. I made jokes about it after wards and asked him a couple times do you promise you only looked at porn that one time? He kept telling me yes that that was the only time, he promised. So I believed him and let it go.

Then a few months later I come home and he told me he you know, masturbated and thought of me. Totally joking I said yeah right, you probably watched porn, joking from the time I caught him. So I open up the history to joke around and find that he indeed did look at porn that day. Disgusted by seeing it because I did not expect to see it on there at all, I checked deeper and deeper throughout the past two weeks and saw that he had been looking at porn ever ever since we’ve been back and had gotten internet back in our room. Also, a week before we moved back up north he looked at it. I am very against porn and think it’s extremely disgusting and do consider him looking at other naked women cheating. But it’s what he looked up that bothers me most. I don’t want to go into detail, but it’s some nasty stuff. Now I caught him with all of the different things looked up over a period of about two weeks and every time I caught him with something new, it was the same as he did before, only confess when he gets caught. He can’t even give me a reason why he looked at it, he always said he was bored or curious. Which I understand but it’s like, I saw the times he looked at it and they were pretty much like, as soon as i called him and told him I made it to work okay, he hopped on and searched some porn. And in between catching him, he kept telling me that’s it, I promise I’m not hiding anything more. I gave him chances to confess on certain ones, but he never did.

And to top that off, he even looked up what certain STDs look like on a guy’s junk saying, oh I was worried because some of my ex-girlfriends weren’t the cleanest, even though I wore a condom I just wanted to be sure. I was so confused I’m like, you let me have unprotected sex with you for about two years and you’re all of a sudden worrying about an STD?? Talk about red flag. Could that mean he’s cheated? Because also while searching into the porn, he recently looked up on Myspace his ex-girlfriend to look at her pictures. He didn’t contact her but still looked her up, thought of her and had some moment where he wanted to see her now, where I don’t even talk to any guys that went to my high school.

I will admit that with the porn, I do feel responsible since we barely have sex, maybe once a month if we’re lucky. But that’s only ’cause I have serious deep issues about sex, that he says he understands, and I’m living in my parents house and feel disrespectful and wrong to have sex under their roof, I just don’t feel comfortable about it. But what I don’t understand and I told him this that it’s not that I’m all mad about him watching and looking at other naked women, it’s just that he had to hide it from me really hurts. It’s like he just feels no love to be guilty and confess or just not do it to me. I mean, if he really loved me he would’ve stopped lying to me when I first caught him lying, right?

And just today when I come home from work, while I was there I left a scanner on to detect any type of other porn hidden on my computer to get rid of it (’cause we have a lot of viruses on our computer from it) and we got into a fight because of some of the things I found on there. He then told me he doesn’t consider himself to be engaged to me until we work it out, so I threw my ring at him and told him to give me the one I gave him. He said he already took it off. I was so hurt by that, started crying. He said he only felt that way ’cause he wanted to work things out in the meantime. But I’m like, I wore this stupid ring to work today ’cause I wanted to do my part and show I’m still committed to you even through this heartache and he all of a sudden decides we’re not engaged?!?!

I’m just not sure if I should leave him this time or keep holding on. I’m tired of feeling like this, like I’m not good enough or as beautiful as he says I am. I feel like it’s a game of cry wolf. He keeps saying he’s sorry he’ll change and it’s the same story over and over. This time I do feel like he feels remorseful and sees how bad I’m hurt, but I’m just not sure if he’s serious this time or not. He’s just promised not to hurt me so much and broke that promise every time knowing I’d never hurt him and never have, it’s like he knows I’ll just take him back anyway in the end no matter what. I want to be with him but don’t know if I can look at him the same. All I’m saying is I’ve cried a lot being with this guy – yes we’ve had more good times than bad or sad, I’m just so confused. He has stepped up a bit with some things, like getting a job and trying to save money, but it’s the porn that gets me. He hasn’t looked at it since which is a relief, but do you think he’ll revert back? I almost feel that if we had our own place things would be better, like we could be more romantic and have more space than this little room, but it’s like, I’m willing to be I guess you could say somewhat “freaky” when it comes to sex but I don’t think I’ll be as comfortable with it now knowing what he’s looked up.

PLEASE HELP!!

[April Masini]

Your boyfriend is your first boyfriend and first and only sexual partner, so it’s understandable that you have strong feelings about him, but he’s not right for you. 🙁 I know it’s difficult for you to leave him because in addition to his being your first, you also moved in with him at 16 and have been living with him, and have some sort of engagement arrangement, as well, but….this isn’t going to work for a couple of reasons.

First of all, it’s okay for you to dislike porn and consider his looking at naked women cheating, but you have to understand, he’s not going to stop. You’re giving him unrealistic goals that he can’t achieve when you want him to stop watching porn. Without passing judgment either way on porn, you have to understand who he is, and who you are, and that there’s a big incompatibility.

Second of all, since you started out having sex and are now having sex only once a month, it’s understandable that at his age with his normal sex drive very high, he’s probably cheating on you. Regardless of the circumstances, where you’re living, your feelings, etc., I think the reason he was looking up STDs on the internet is because he was worried he might have one.

Third, you’re deluding yourself into thinking this is going to work given all the evidence stacked against you. While it hurts to feel rejected and that your relationship has failed, you are very young, and what you may not see, but I’m hoping you will, is that breaking up with him once and for all and moving on for good, is going to yield a much better life for you with a lot more happiness and peace. You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, and you and he are like two mismatched pieces. While you may have had true love at one time, you now, no longer have a relationship that’s going to be good for either one of you.

I hope you’ll find the strength to accept reality, have a good cry over the loss of the relationship, and move on into a MUCH MUCH brighter future without him.

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