[partyxgal]

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. After he broke up with me, he contacted me every single day since. He told me he missed me and still had feelings for me. We eventually got back together but we didn’t have the title of “boyfriend girlfriend” so we decided we were “exclusively dating” he took me on dates, I was eating dinner with his family, everything seemed better than before. His best friend invited me to a little get together she was having and we got to speak in private and she told me his feelings are genuine and I’m the first girl he’s brought home to the family since his ex. Him and his ex dated for 5 years and it ended badly. He told me he was afraid of falling in love and getting hurt again and wanted to take things slowly.

This past week however, he seemed really distant. He’s been processing for a job so he doesn’t have to join the military and it is a lot of paperwork. I’ve been giving him his space and I didn’t get to see him once. Friday strolled around and I thought it would be nice to surprise him at work with a coffee. He didn’t look happy to see me at all, and I was really embarrassed. I messaged him afterwards telling him how I felt and he said “yeah about that..it was kinda weird, what if i wasn’t there, it definitely made me uneasy.” He really hurt my feelings when he said this and I sent him about 11 messages defending myself and explaining that I was trying to do something nice for him. We had a whole argument and he told me it pissed him off because that’s “boyfriend girlfriend” status and that’s not what we are. Meanwhile, the other day he considered himself my boyfriend, and he asked me to go on a cruise with him…but that’s not boyfriend girlfriend status?

He told me he’s focused on this job so he doesn’t have to go to the military and that’s the only thing he cares about right now, and he’s not focused on working on me and him. I asked him if he even had feelings for me and he said “Yes I do..but I don’t think they’re as strong as the ones you have for me. I would love to spend every night with you, but I can’t.” I was extremely hurt and didn’t understand where this was coming from. We ended up arguing even more, he deleted me off facebook..and then he called me. He told me that he’s very busy and it was a big day for him and he doesn’t need to be receiving excessive messages on facebook from me. He told me that what he was trying to get at was “I haven’t been into the relationship as much and it’s due to this whole process. Nothing you did made me step back, it’s just what I do when I have stuff to focus on.”

I ended up writing him a brief message telling him i am going to give him the space that he deserves and I apologized for acting the way I’ve been acting. I also told him that he can let me know when he wants to meet up and talk about things. He responded to my message saying “Hey I just got home from PA”

April, is it something I did?

1. Does he have feelings for me?
2. Does he just not want to commit/not ready for a relationship?
3. Do you think he will come back around in due time?
4. Did I do anything wrong or is this his issue?

[April Masini]

[quote]April, is it something I did? [/quote]

Yes. First of all, it’s not a good idea to show up at a guy’s office or home until you’re very, very sure of the relationship. You were broken up and you only got back together a month ago…. and you said that this week he started acting distant. That isn’t the time to show up at his office. Clearly, he didn’t like that.

Next, you argued with him about it. 😯 There was no reason for you to send 11 text messages “defending yourself”. In fact, there was nothing to defend. He told you he didn’t like it. That called for an apology — not a text barrage.

And finally, you’re pressing him to define a relationship he clearly isn’t sure about. Guys NEVER want to have “the talk” about the relationship, and when women try to get a guy to tell them where they stand, inevitably, it’s because they know they’re not standing on stable ground in the relationship. You can tell how things are by the way he behaves, and if you don’t like where you stand, then you have choices. Pressing him is not a good one. 😉

[quote]
1. Does he have feelings for me? [/quote]

Yes, but they’re waning right now.

[quote]2. Does he just not want to commit/not ready for a relationship?[/quote]

Correct. Not now, anyway.

[quote]3. Do you think he will come back around in due time? [/quote]

Maybe, but if you don’t change your behavior towards him, you’re going to sink this ship. 😳

[quote]4. Did I do anything wrong or is this his issue?[/quote]

Sometimes people just aren’t each others’ cup of tea – and that’s part of dating and part of life. He may have decided you aren’t the one for him. But…. your pressing him and arguing with him isn’t helping you to become his (or anyone’s) Ms. Right. 😉

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[partyxgal]

Thank you, I appreciate it. Is it a good sign that he responded to my most recent message? I apologized for my actions and told him I was going to give space and that I’ve been really selfish when he has so much going on already. And he responded saying “hey I just got back from pa” and a few hours later I said “hey what’s going on” bc I was responding to the message he sent me but I haven’t heard from him since

[MysteryWoman]

If you’re going to give him space, then GIVE HIM SPACE. That means NO texts, NO advance warnings of space-giving, NO “What’s going on” messages. LEAVE HIM ALONE! 😀

I think things will improve when you learn to process your feelings internally before you express them. Eleven texts about the coffee was weirdly, weirdly excessive. And you must have been sending him a TON of Facebook messages if he actually felt the need to delete you off his list.

To him, right now, you’re a drain. You require way too much attention. Things will turn around completely if you now, immediately, make a concerted effort to focus ALL your attention on YOUR life, and genuinely give him enough space to miss you. That means ONE text a day MAXIMUM. Let him wonder where you are, what you’re doing, why you’re no longer hounding him. Let him miss you!

Every dating book in the world spells this out. Read one! 😀

[April Masini]

It could be a good sign — it’s certainly not a bad sign — but you have to look at the whole picture. Your behavior, his, etc. [b]MysteryWoman[/b] gave you some good advice, and I’d build on that and tell you to read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right (that would be you! 😉 . When you feel the urge to call or text him, instead, get the book out and read a chapter! 🙂

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