[xeneize693]

So I’ve been going nut about this in recent months, so after discussing it with all my friends, I turn to internet people who might turn to be very rational about mi issues, so here it goes:

😕 I’m a 20 year old law student, quite immature, possibly affected with asperger syndrome, so that may explain part of my behavior in the following story.

Well over the past two months my girlfriend (from now on M) has been driving me nuts because she thinks I have some weird thing going on with this other girl. It all started because i went partying with some girls from school without my girlfriend (who I really love and have loved for over 3 years) without her approval, the reason I chose to do this was because she had a really bad attitude towards me just for being invited even though I hadn’t considered going cause it wasn’t a place club of my particular liking and it really isn’t that much fun without her. During that night she called and called just to piss me off and while at first I tried to talk to her after noticing her intentions I stopped paying attention. That night a friend (from now on K, initially a mutual friend) stayed at at my house but nothing happened, we arrived at 5am and stayed up watching fight club until 8am when she left. M showed up shortly after that going all berserk accusing me of having sex with this other girl, eventually the argument ended.

As time has passed K and I have becomed really close, mostly because she’s my exercise buddy, she takes showers at my house leaves some stuff around, but againg nothing suspicious going on, and since my girlfriend got this 8amto5:30pm cool job at this law firm we started spending more time together at school even though K also works from 2:15pmto8:30pm, so just hanging out at school time (with other friends usually). Later on a random monday I went to the movies with K and a lot of other friends from school, and saw M inmediatly after the movie and we all went drinking, M bursted in anger again I don’t understand exactly why and by the end of the fight she asked me to stay away from K (but I was really angry about her freedom restricting attitude), I said ok yet the next day K another friend (A mutual friend who believes M is crazy and paranoid) and I went hiking. I spent some time with K the next few weeks but nothing threatening, yet during those weeks M didn’t know I was seeing her she kept on annoying saying that I was in a bad mood cause I wasn’t with my beloved K (this kind of attitude developed a “I’m being treated like a man who cheats I might as well cheat” joke with my friends, but in the end just a joke despite guy friends suggesting I should sleep with K just to teach M a lesson).

Last two weeks ago we (social group I’m not particularly close to from school including M) went partying cause school is over, I told M going or not going was the same to me, she insisted we should go, I told her K might have to stay at my house cause she lives really really far from anything and doesn’t have a car (totally true), she said “I can’t stand that you see what you do about that”, at 3am we left the place and went drinking to a friends house and he said he’d leave us at a good neighborhood subway at 6am so we could all go home safely, I was relieved inside, but when he left us K said she would go to my house cause she didn’t see any taxis or buses that she usually takes (she has to use one of the two, but she could have used another random cab, I will comment on that later), she came with me M went to her house, K and I slept a bit in my bed both (irrelevant to me), we had breakfast, and watched the godfather, around 3pm M shows up at my house and goes berserk (without K hearing), the three of us go out for the most uncomfortable lunch ever, and by the time K leaves M starts yelling she goes crazy again and breaks up with me.

We get back together by monday, and on wednesday I planned on painting my room with K and my dad, that day M shows up(I hadn’t told her anything about K helping cause I wanted to avoid all the drama) and she goes all berserk confronts K who is completely surprised, and leaves, I followed her and she went nuts threw soda at me(landed on her), threw a sandwich at me(landed on her) and fell somehow (to me that’s just a sign of me being innocent and right), hit me and accidentally scratched my face (I think it will leave a scar, it’s small but completely unnecessary), and she left. K leaves 2 hours later for work, and M shows up at my house around 4 cause we had planned to see Harry Potter (Which I’m not particularly fond of) I say no of course cause we’re in conflict and she gets pissed, by the end of the afternoon I tell her you’re driving me crazy I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore leave, and we break up.

K was supportive, M later that day sent her all these crazy sms: “you ruined it, I hate you” and things like that, K responded peacefully with a “you’re just a little paranoid”, and M acted all depressive as she probably was. That saturday it was a common friend birthday party, K and M both went, I skipped (I was in my getting over her phase), from what I was told by both it was a little uncomfortable but ok. On sunday M goes to my house cause she’s all worried about my scar and we end up getting back together within the condition I must not see K anymore (I said yes, because Over those four days I started thinking that maybe K has hidden intentions towards me). On sunday night K sends me via facebook this video with a song with some kind of “I’m free no more crazy bitch” message (I didn’t tell M neither did I tell K we’re back together, cause I think now I’m attracted to K, I have sexual dreams about her, I think about her and all) we made plans to go hiking the next day, we went she skipped work and we went to my house, I think something would have happened if it wasn’t because M got off work early.

M saw the facebook video told me to delete it and went all “get that woman out of your life tell she’s annoying and all that”, I said no so we fought a lot about that but in the end I won, I wish I hadn’t won and we would have broken up cause I had plans for friday with K so I wanted M out of my life, but and now I’m stuck with M.

I know parts of the story make me sound like a bastard but M has been my girlfriend for 3 years, and I have been nothing but good to her, never cheated (and had the chance to do so, and whenever I find a girl attractive we have enough trust so I can tell her), always been there for her (last year she had moving issues and both her parents (divorced) almost died around the same time), before this I never lied to her, she’s beautiful (gains extra weight sometimes but still looks great), our sex life is great, I cook, I clean, I’m rarely romantic but when I am I do it right, I even make origamis, but I think a combination of the violent behavior that might leave a little scar, the paranoia, the dictator attitude towards my initially very innocent and harmless behavior, and all the yelling (During the past 3 months, so before the whole K drama, she yells at me for everything ex. don’t play guitar so much, stop playing wii, I don’t want to eat that or there, I don’t wanna watch that movie, I don’t wanna go there, etc.) have all made me fall out of love for her, cause prior to that my only problems with her were her mother hating and my father hating her (Hating her a lot after the painting drama), and perhaps certain indifference from my behalf when she blows thing out proportion (she’s a drama queen and she admits it) but nothing that drives us crazy since we barely fight.

Regarding K well she’s just really cool and fun, she’s always nice to me, she exercises with me, she’s not pretty really but has a great body, she DOES NOT criticize everything I do, and honestly I still don’t think she has a crush on me (may be wrong about that, the second sleepover was maybe unnecessary cause she could have actually gone home, so that’s my only sign to suspect she wants to get into my pants, and also I have always been terrible at knowing when a girl is into me). I think the reason I maybe starting to like her is simply because she’s been really cool through all this drama, yet I swear that nothing has happened, besides sleeping in the same bed, she doesn’t even change her clothes in front me, have only seen her with just the towel once, and shes only seen my shirtless twice but for god’s sake people wear less to the beach. Finally I can no longer honestly say that I would reject K if something we’re to happen.

Oh M cheated on me once and it affected me at the time but now I can honestly say I stopped caring a really long time ago

Please help me! I’m going crazy

[April Masini]

Since you mention that you’re a law student who has Asperger’s Syndrome, you probably know that while I’m not a doctor, people who have Asperger’s, a form of autism, are very bright, highly functional and often miss social cues. I think you may have missed some social cues, that just don’t occur to you. I’m going to try and help you see them.

While you are having a lot of fun, and think that it’s innocent to go out drinking and partying and having a friend who’s a girl come to your house after midnight, watch late night movies and go home at 8 a.m., or to sleep over with you, and even sleep in the same bed with you, most women would have a problem with that behavior in their boyfriends. I hope you can understand that what you’re doing is not the norm.

I’m sure that your girlfriend, M, is very jealous of your relationship with K, and frankly, she has a right to be. It would be normal for her to be jealous in spite of your protestations that you and K are just friends. Even though you think it’s okay to do what you’re doing, socially, it just isn’t normal to have another woman spend the night in your bed with you, after a night of partying, and expect your girlfriend to understand.

It doesn’t matter that you believe you’re not cheating. Spending the night with another woman in your bed, even without having sex with her, is a betrayal to your girlfriend. When you commit yourself to someone and they do the same, there are certain implicit understandings that I think you may miss: 3 a.m. movie dates at your house with another woman are not okay. Sleepovers with another woman are not okay.

It will be easier for you to accept this rather than argue it’s merits because this is how most of the world operates and most of the women you meet are going to feel this way. Even K, if you begin sleeping with her and she becomes your girlfriend, is going to feel territorial of you, your home, your bed and who you party, drink and spend time with when it’s another woman.

M is overreacting by wanting you get K completely out of your life, because she doesn’t think you understand the nuances of what you’re doing, so she’s trying to get you to get rid of K altogether so you don’t have to navigate the nuances. In other words, if you could be friends with K without inviting her to your home at all, or only seeing her in a group of people, and not alone to paint your room or otherwise, M would probably be more understanding of K as your friend. But she doesn’t think you are able to do that, so she’s trying to get you to extricate K from your life altogether instead.

One simple rule of thumb for a successful relationship is that if you’re committed to one woman, don’t spend time alone with another.

Hope that helps.

[xeneize693]

Well allow me to add a couple of facts here, since I was a kid in elementary school for reasons I cannot understand most of my friends tend to be girls so I think that erased gender differences for me since I was a kid, that changed in high school cause I was in military school but started happening in college again, since my freshman year my very close friends are 3 girls (including M and let’s say Ale and N) and 1 guy (let’s call him A), the other two girls are like my little and big sister, with them I’m way more close than with K, we even give each other little kisses in a very innocent and fun way, and even though they are both beautiful I would never have sex with any of the two cause they’re like my sisters (oh I’m an only child). Now M could have reasons to be paranoid cause she and I were friends first, in fact she says she’s watching her love story over again but she’s not in it.

Now regarding my behavior I understand that I might no be able to see signs of flirting from K cause of the asperger, but part of this whole question is to get different opinions from different people, from my close friends, A (who knows I hang out with K behind M’s Back) thinks M is just completely crazy he says there’s obviously nothing going on between K and me so I should break up with M; N (who also knows that I’ve been seeing K) at first though M was crazy but then she has reconsidered that even though she believes I’m faithful man and wouldn’t cheat on M nor provoke anything with K, she now thinks that K is totally into me and thinks cool it a bit with her; Ale knows nothing about me seeing K and hiding it from M, yet she has taken the strongest stand and thinks I have something weird going on with K and tells me I should stop it.

And well about my time with K, when we painted my father was also there, he thinks there nothing going on with us, after the first sleepover she just asked for her not to sleep at my house, after the movie (which included a lot of other people) she requested not to spend time alone with her and the reason I didn’t payed attention to that wasn’t because I can’t live without K or anything like that but because I felt I was a direct attack to my freedom as an individual, oh and on the more shallow side because she’s my only reliable exercise partner (I used to play football or soccer, whatever you wanna call it but no longer do) and I gained 11kg since last august to the present time (have lost 5kg since last month and a half) and well 8 kilometer hikes alone without an mp3 player is suicidal.

And well perhaps another reason I’m starting to like K is because since most my problems come form M restricting my space and freedom, K tends to ditch guys because “she needs her space and freedom”, so I guess that’s the reason I picture myself with her.

Also the constant yelling form M is driving me crazy cause she hates everything I do and every thing I enjoy, she says I’m inmature cause I play videogames, she yells at me for playing guitar when she’s around, she hates my passion for soccer, and all those are my favorite hobbies.

She yells at me for playing “classroom soccer” with guys at school which I find incredibly silly cause even my professor laugh when they catch us.

And she even yells at me when I study, cause I only study for test two days before and she says I dpon’t pay attention to her.

The previous 3 paragraphs describe ways that I think she restrict my freedom and takes away my space, however I’ve always thought this we’re just weird asperger related obsessions and that I was wrong, but with this more normal interpersonal relationship issues I’m starting to think she’s quite the dictator.

I’m just lost

[xeneize693]

Ok I have confirmed K had a hidden agenda towards me, since Iast night she tested me “let’s go hiking tomorrow and saturday we should go to stripclub, you need to stay away from M’s seduction trap, a friend has a chatity belt you can borow it”, I responded today when I woke up “That would have been useful yesterday, I’ll confirm later on the hike”, she then said “retreat, no hiking tomorrow”, only that, I thought she was going surfing but she won’t be surfing just checked facebook, all type of messages from K to her close friends (also my people from school friends), “I’m sensitive”; “I’m quite emo right now”; “My exercise mate was absorbed by my personal antichrist”; and my favorite and most obvious “I need your emotional wisdom”

[April Masini]

You’re going to have to pick one woman or the other because otherwise this is going to end like a bad French farce. Until you do, you’re going to be stressed and confused. You’re only feeling lost because you don’t want to make a decision and limit your options.

Man up.

If you don’t want to be with M, then break up with her and pursue playing the field with K in it or just start dating K. When you say that M is restricting “your personal freedom” you don’t really sound like you’re wanting to be in a relationship with her. You make it sound like around her, you’re a slave. Who would want that? Nobody!

You really sound like you want to break out and date K among others, possibly. Don’t be the victim. Assume your power as the man in the relationship, and until you know what you want, don’t see anyone. If you do, you’re just going to complicate things.

Decide your priorities. A girlfriend? An exercise coach? Your freedom? It’s very hard to have everything, so choose and pursue.

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