Interfering friend

[relationshipa1]

I met my current girlfriend in January in Florida. She is in her early 50s and lives in New England and since I took frequent trips to New York I visited her at her home on 2 occasions for a week. We had amazing chemistry and after I left the 2nd time we were both upset about being apart. I returned a few weeks later for a 2 week trip. We had an incredible time again and we were both extremely happy. I packed my bags and prepared for my flight back to Florida, but when I looked into her teary eyes I couldn’t go. I skipped my flight and I have been staying with her ever since. I am financially independent and have been living and traveling abroad for several years so I can re-locate anywhere.

We are incredibly happy. Every day is joyful from the time we wake up from the time we go to bed. We garden together, cooks meals, go hiking, see musicals in NYC, and just enjoy each other’s company no matter what we are doing.

The major problem in our relationship is my girlfriend’s best friend. My girlfriend usually goes out with a group of girls once a week and parties hard. She comes home late extremely drunk and that’s when our problems begin.

Her best friend belittles our relationship, tells her I am only interested in sex or her money, and creates “What if” scenarios about me.

“What if he is a spy for your ex-husband?” What if you lose your house and he dumps you?” “What if he breaks your heart?” “What if he is a fugitive from the law and is just hiding out?”

Her best friend also belittles everything we do. If my girlfriend tells her I took her out to dinner to a wonderful restaurant and had an amazing time her friend wants to know how much the dinner cost and then tells her that her boyfriend took her out for an $800 dinner so our dinner was bad.

Another time when we had company she came over with another friend. They were both on uppers and extremely drunk and went on to lay into me with a profanity laced barrage of insults that continued off and on for an hour. Her childhood friend, her daughter and her friend were flabbergasted at the attacks. Most of us were sick to our stomachs. They eventually left without an apology. I never got one.

The latest incident was her friend told her the night we met that I had tried to kiss her first and she brushed me off because I was so unworthy. My girlfriend came home crying and continued to do so for several hours. She felt like she was my second choice and it damaged the way she felt about me, our relationship and about herself. I told her it never happened and offered to take a lie detector test to prove my innocence. I didn’t sleep that night (I rarely do after she parties with her best friend because she comes home drunk with accusations).

Now her best friend denies she ever said I tried to kiss her and is telling my girlfriend she was drunk and just misunderstood. My girlfriend has been cutting back on her drinking when she goes out because she has had some embarrassing incidents. She had only had a couple of glasses of wine and refused to do tequila shots with the other girls. The details of the fabricated encounter were numerous and it is impossible that one or two words that were misunderstood could have changed what was said.

I care about my girlfriend deeply. She is beautiful, kind, and has a great sense of humor. She has been going through a difficult time after a 30 year marriage that ended very badly. She is an amazing woman, but her party friends are making it extremely difficult on us. When she comes home from an evening with them she is extremely drunk and full of accusations that her friends have made about me. The next morning she can’t remember and apologizes, but I tend to have a sleepless night and the accusations still hurt my feelings.

To her credit she has decided to not get completely wasted when she goes out with her party friends. This upsets them and they blame me for the change. She also has decided to get back into running and is picking out a marathon to train for this year. I am so proud of her that as I write this tears are streaming down my face. I haven’t run a step in over 20 years and yesterday I bought a pair of running shoes. She inspires me. We are truly blessed to have such a wonderful life together.

Her best friend often invites her over to her house for drinks with other mutual friends but tells her I am not welcome. When I offered to sit down with her best friend to talk over any issues she might have her best friend declined. Her best friend is also badmouthing me to her other friends and even told a state trooper that is my girlfriend’s neighbor that I might be dangerous.

I am a tough person, but this treatment has taken its toll on me. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to resolve this issue.

My girlfriend doesn’t want to abandon her party friends. They have been a comfort to her the past few difficult years and I think heavy partying has been an outlet to escape being overwhelmed or depressed. But our life together is wonderful and I feel like their involvement in our relationship is a tremendous hindrance. The few fights we have are usually created by her involvement with her party friends and accusations they have of me.

I wish they would give me a chance and get to know me before making up stories about how horrible and inadequate I am. But I am not sure that they will. We are in a bind and emotionally this has been terribly difficult on both of us.

Please, can anyone help us?

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

[b]This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions. [/b]

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the proper forum, the Q & A Advice Forum

[April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you? 😉

[Author]

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