[relationshipa1]

I posted a topic about a week or two ago in reference to a guy here at college who has a girlfriend, but showed mixed signals as to what he felt about me. Well, a few nights ago, we made it clear to each other that we liked one another, and we started hanging out more, both socially and intimately. However, I do have a few issues that I need solved:

– I asked about his girlfriend, whom he is still apparently with– kind of. He told me that they’re the constant “on-again off-again” couple, and right now, since they’ve been fighting a lot, they are off. However, his relationship status on facebook–as much as I hate referring to facebook–is “in a relationship” with his supposed off-again girlfriend. When I asked him about that, he said he didn’t want to make things complicated by taking the relationship status off and having everyone ask and bother him about it. I made it clear to him that I don’t want to be the “other girl,” and he assured me that I wasn’t and that he liked me, but I still can’t help but question what the deal is with his girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend. How do I go about this situation?

– Last night, when he and I were getting intimate, he started to kind of freak out as we went further into things. When I asked him why he was getting all flustered, he said he wasn’t sure, and that it was just his anxiety. I am aware of his anxiety, so I understand where he is coming from, but what I don’t get is how he doesn’t know what was making him so anxious. Something tells me that he does know but doesn’t want to tell me, and for some reason, I think it has to do with his ex-girlfriend. I may be wrong, but my theory is that he might have just gotten slightly uncomfortable doing things with a new girl. If that’s the case, though, I wouldn’t understand why he continues to call me and asks me to hang out. Is my theory illogical and probably incorrect? Could he actually not know what he is anxious about at any given moment? Should I ask him about it? And if so, how should I do it? He told me he was slightly uncomfortable talking about his anxiety, so I don’t want to seem like I am prying into his personal life.

I really like this guy, but there are some things about him that I am unable to understand. Please help!

[April Masini]

Proceed with caution. 😕

Your theories and thoughts are absolutely right. What you’re not admitting is that your boyfriend is being very clear with you, but you don’t like the clear answer he’s giving you: He’s conflicted about breaking up with his other girlfriend, and he’s not 100% into you, although he does want your company, attention, etc. He just isn’t ready to give you a 100% commitment.

Dating is a process that allows both people to decide if they want to continue further. You’re getting to know him, and yourself, and the same goes for him. He’s realizing that he’s committed enough to his other girlfriend to feel like his getting sexually involved with you may be cheating. That’s why he’s anxious with you, and you’re correct to assume he does know what’s making him anxious and that he doesn’t want to discuss it with you.

The ball is in your court now. While you don’t like that he’s keeping his Facebook status as “in a relationship” with his other girlfriend, while dating you, and you don’t like that he’s not giving 100% of himself to you physically because of his anxieties stemming from his other relationship, you are trying to figure out how much more of this you’re interested in investing in.

You may want to continue dating him, but not get involved with him sexually while he’s still obviously committed to his other girlfriend. You may want to forge ahead with your sex life with him in spite of his anxieties, or you may want to give this whole relationship a break so that he can work out his anxieties on his own time, and not fetter yours.

None of those choices is wrong. Just keep your eyes open in this one, and be aware of the situation when you make your own decisions about what you want from him — or any man.

[Author]

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