Is he not as serious about me as he says he is?

[plzhelp]

My boyfriend “Tom” and I have been together for 10 months. I am 22 and he is 33. We have known each other for a year and a half. Our relationship was pretty serious right from the start. We have arguments like every normal couple, but I do admit that I am a little difficult to get along with sometimes.

We both have 1 child each from previous relationships. His son doesn’t live with him but mine does. At the moment I am living with my parents. I live with them bc I signed over temporary custody of my son to them. Tomorrow the temporary custody runs out and I will have custody again.

Tom and I have been talking for months about my son and me moving in with him. But now that the time has actually come he doesn’t seem up for it any more.

I have talked to him about it, and he says he does want us to move in. But his actions make me think otherwise. We still haven’t cleared out the room that was going to be my son’s. He still has a room mate. He said when I decide to move in he will ask the guy to move out. (his roommate knew it was a temporary thing. Like just a few weeks. So its not like I’m asking him to kick the guy out). But that was pretty much all he said about it. All of my stuff and a lot of my son’s stuff is at his house. But I just feel like he’s procrastinating or something.

He says we haven’t cleared out the room bc I never bring it up. Which is kind of true. But if he really wanted me there wouldn’t he be bringing it up??

I have a hunch that he’s kind of reluctant to have us move in bc of financial issues. That’s basically why he has the room mate. I have never outright asked him if that’s why and he hasn’t given me a reason. He just denies that he’s procrastinating and keeps saying he does want us there.

I haven’t brought it up for about 3 or 4 days and neither has he. Is he just hoping I will drop it?? I don’t get what is going on here. I thought we were on the same page. We have even talked about marriage.

TIA!

[ThinkingRight]

I think you should ask him directly if he still wants you to move in and if he says yes, you take the initiative and start cleaning out and organizing the room. If he stops you, you have your answer, if he doesn’t stop you, you also have your answer. Either way, you’ll know.

If both of you keep waiting for the other to say something or do something you will continue to be in limbo.

Bite the bullet and get an answer.

[relation]

For anything FINANCES are most important thing. If you feel that his changed behavior could be due to the economical reasons, then I would suggest that be very open and discuss out things with him…

[plzhelp]

Yeah, I’m gonna ask him tonight when I see him.

I’m just nervous 🙁 I don’t want to hear that he doesn’t want us there… because then what am I doing with him??? If our relationship’s not going anywhere, why should I stay, you know…

I really don’t want to break up with him..

[kai]

I can understand you feeling nervous. No one enjoys breaking up (if it comes to that). On the other hand, it would be worse for you to sit around hoping something will happen, that never really will.

Bite the bullet and ask him. If it’s not gonna happen you’ve got to stop wasting your time and start looking for someone you can have a future with. 😉

[April Masini]

Flashing red light!! Do not move in with this guy!

Look, first of all, you have a child, so you can’t just move in with some boyfriend. It’s not responsible. You have to put the child’s needs first. This isn’t just you and the guy. It’s you, the guy and your son.

Second, since you are only now gaining full legal custody this month, your custody of your son is at stake. If you screw this up, you could lose custody of your child. This is serious. It’s not fair to your son to put his life in chaos. Stay put until you have a year or two of legal custody of your son under your belt.

Third, and maybe most important if you weren’t a mother, this guy is giving you a very clear message with his actions. If he really wanted you to move in with him, he would have made things welcoming for you and your child. Instead, he’s still got the roommate there, hasn’t cleared out a room for your son, and isn’t being direct about your moving in. In fact, he’s avoiding the subject altogether. This is a clear sign, he’s not really interested in your moving in with him. Pay attention to his actions, and don’t get deluded by what you fantasize or wish would be happening.

My advice to you is to get a job and make some money so you can afford your own place first. Set up house with you and your son and get stable. Living with your parents is a wonderful support for you, but you need to move on with your adult life.

Because you’re a mother first, you really shouldn’t be moving your son in with a boyfriend unless you’re marrying the guy. It’s not fair to your son, and you may be jeopardizing your custody.

So get your ducks in a row, so to speak. Get a job and save up enough money to get a place near enough your parents so that they can babysit while you go out on dates. Then after you’ve gotten your custody and your living situation straightened out, THEN you can start dating again.

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