[lostsoul1981]

I was engaged to my boyfriend sat before. We were planning to get married on 29th August this year. Venue has been booked and some other stuff too. But we had a hugh row last weekend. I am planning to go to Beijing for three months’ dance course in september and he knows it from the start. the flight has been booked.i said to him a week ago worrying if it is worth going as it will cost a lot and i may lose the jobs i am doing now when i am returning but i did not intend to alter my plan. he said he would be back me 100% . the other night, i was talking him about how to do our finance when i come back from china. then he said now you decided to go to china, i am your fiancee, why did you not tell me. but i always plan to go. then he just insisted in that i heard he said ‘ think about it’ to me when i was talking to him about the trip to china, which i did not hear. so i got really angry thinking he did not trust me on that. so i said we should not get married now, it is too soon. then he said ‘give the engagement ring back then’ so i did and wanted to leave. he dragged me and did not let me go. then he suddenly ran into the kitchen and bung his head on the door really hard and i could hardly stop him. i did not talk to him after that. he apologized to me and returned the ring to me but i did not accept then. last time when we broke up, he said i could move out in my convenience. but he asked the keys back when i said i was in his house before i moved my stuff. he kept the ring which he bought originally to propose to me half year after we went out but i refused then and he gave it to me as a 6-month togetherness gift. he kept it without asking me. he removed the ring after i asked where the ring was and wanted it back. i got it back in the end. it seems to me that he has not much integrity and small minded for keeping the ring which he gave me as a gift and asked the engagement ring back. also is he an abusive person even though he did not hurt me directly. do you think he will change? we are back on. but i started doubting if he is the right one for me to marry to. could you please give me some advice? thank you very much.

[April Masini]

There are two problems here. The second one is more serious than the first.

First off, the two of you need to transition into being a couple. It sounds like you are normally very independent and becoming a married couple requires a lot more communication, compromise and transitional adjustment than either one of you are prepared for or used to. Sometimes saying something once, isn’t enough. It sounds like this big wedding and then your big trip, and the big financial issues involved all require a lot more communication, compromise and allowance for transition than either of you realized. If you can both ease up on each other and yourselves and spend more time communicating and trying new methods of communicating (talking, sending e-mails, keeping a mutual calendar, reminding each other gently) you may get over this hurdle that is pre-wedding stress.

The more disturbing issue is that he dragged you across a room, tried to hurt himself by banging his head on the wall, and you write that he has a history of abuse. Unless he, himself, recognizes this problem and chooses to change his behavior (easier said than done), this problem will escalate. You have a responsibility not to get involved with someone who may abuse you, your future children or himself, your future children’s father. Think long and hard about this. If you have to postpone the wedding to clear your own head and figure this out, accept the price of staying safe and protecting your future family.

I hope this helps you. 🙂

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