Is he using me?

[ilovezho]

Dear April,

The guy I have been with for over a month now was recently accepted into college. Im 14 and hes 17. Ive known this guy since September. Ever since I got close to him I decided I would lose my virginity to him. He has had over 10 partners in his life and we have unprotected sex because it feels better for both of us. I took a pregnancy test and I told him I took it. He didnt even ask me was it positive or negative. All his exes say hes a good guy and wouldnt hurt me. But everytime we see each other hes all over me wanting to have sex. He says I can say no, but I kinda want it too. Since hes leaving for college in August, is he just using me for sex before he leaves? He says hes not. That if he was he would be with some other 17 year old girl. But I always heard that older guys come after younger girls because they are easier. I trusted him with my virginity but I still feel like he only wants sex. He claims im his first love. He even says im his other half and he wants us to last forever. Do I believe him? Or am I just a booty call?

Sincerely,
The Confused Girl

[exback4ever]

I am speaking from a position that I am married to my wife who is 12 years younger than me (she was 16 when we got married). It is true that guys do like younger girls. But, depending on the guy, he could be using you for sex. He will be 18 soon, and then what? It is illegal for him to have any sort of sexual contact with you unless you are emancipated (as far as I know). Even if he doesn’t intend to just use you, what is his plan when he goes to college? Ask him what his plans are with the two of you? If he doesn’t have a plan, then there is no hope for your future together.

Sorry to sound a little blunt, but I would hate to see you get hurt.

[ilovezho]

I appreciate you looking out for me. It most likely will be illegal when he turns 18. That wont be until August 31. By then I will be 15. He says when he goes to college he will come see me every other weekend. He will be 2 hours away. I also have a fear he will find someone else at his college. He’s never cheated says him and his exes. I just dont know if this is real or not… I just dont wanna broken heart. I swear I have never felt this before with anyone else. I know many girls say this, but for 14 I have had a couple of long lasting relationships. When we kiss and when we are around each other it feels soo right. He says he feels the same. I feel like this relationship could lead to something great but at the same time I feel like im just his booty call 🙁

[April Masini]

First things first:

[i]1. No more unprotected sex.[/i] You are putting yourself at risk for pregnancy and disease. 😳 Condoms are cheap and easy to come by and if you don’t have any or can’t get them, then tell a trusted friend, family member, teacher or doctor that you need some condoms and you need some help learning how to use them. I know you both thinks it feels better, but if you get pregnant or you catch a disease you’re going to be in a big crock of confusion and complication. 😳 Your boyfriend is being very selfish and showing a terrible lack of judgment by not using them. Don’t you be selfish and immature, too. I’m not telling you not to have sex — I’m telling you that if you’re GOING to have it, be safe.

2. That said, NOW, I’m going to tell you not to have sex. 😉 I think you’re too young to be having sex, and you don’t realize the complications a sex life causes — but that is [b]your[/b] decision to make. I hope you’ll ask me more about why I think you’re too young. 🙂

3. [b]exback4ever[/b] gave you some very good and generous advice. The point he makes that I want to hammer home is that your boyfriend could be arrested for statutory rape depending on your state’s laws. If you care about him, then you’ll consider this seriously. He could be thrown in jail, denied college admission (colleges usually ask if you’ve been convicted of a felony as part of their admissions process), and have this problem follow him around for the rest of his life — so if you can’t see what you need to do for yourself, at least consider that he is putting himself in danger, and so too, will you be. 🙁

But if you are going to have sex:

4. What you many not know about 17 year old young men is that they have sex drives that are very strong, and they will have sex because they can, where they can (for the most part). So your instinct that you are just a booty call is correct. He’s going to have sex because he can — not because you’re “the one”.

5. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. I’m quite sure he does — but his sex drive is stronger than his desire to have a committed relationship right now. And when he goes to college he will be surrounded by more single teenagers and young 20 somethings than he ever will be again (unless, of course, he becomes a college professor). They are all, for the most part, going to be interested in experimenting with sex, and you’re correct to think he’s going to want to play the field when he goes to college. That doesn’t mean he won’t want to keep you on the side, but he won’t be monogamous to you. I know you know this, but you’re clinging to a fantasy that he’s “the one”, partly because you’re very young and don’t have a lot of dating and relationship experience yet.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go for you, and think about what I’ve written to you. You have so much in front of you, it’s a shame to complicate things unnecessarily. 😀

Follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

[ilovezho]

I understand Im too young for sex. But you see, everyone does it. In my town its ok to do it. Your not gonna be judged because everyone does it. And when we first got together we both knew we would have to deal with the problem of it being illegal. My dad doesnt know we are together. I go to my moms house to see him. My dad doesnt let me date older guys. My mom on the other hand, dated 19 year olds when she was 15 so she understands. My boyfriend saw me writing to you. And he saw all comments. He said he was bothered by it because he thought I doubted us and that I didnt trust him. I could tell by the way he was acting he was upset. I do trust him but I think you are right when you say hes gonna wanna play the field. That worries me soooo much. 🙁 plus I know im living a fantasy… I know im young. But I think finding love at a young age isnt bad for a person.

[April Masini]

[quote]I understand Im too young for sex.[/quote]

Well, that’s good! 😀

[quote]But you see, everyone does it. In my town its ok to do it. Your not gonna be judged because everyone does it.[/quote]
Oh, dear. 🙁 If you understand that you’re too young for sex, but you’re doing it because everyone else does it, then you’re succumbing to peer pressure. This is normal, but it’s not healthy. And you’re hiding your head under the covers if you think you’re not going to be judged. The reason you’re not telling your father is because he will judge you. And I’m sure you’re keeping this sexual relationship secret from other people for exactly that reason.

[quote]we both knew we would have to deal with the problem of it being illegal[/quote]

I’m not sure how you’re going to deal with this problem because it’s a legal problem and the reason that the law exists is to protect minors like yourself from what are known as sexual predators who are adults who are supposed to know better than to have sex with underaged girls, but ignore what they know. 🙁

[quote]….but I think you are right when you say hes gonna wanna play the field. That worries me soooo much. plus I know im living a fantasy… I know im young. But I think finding love at a young age isnt bad for a person.[/quote]

You’re right! Finding love at any age is great! But having sex at your age isn’t. 😳 If you think your boyfriend really loves you, then explain to him that you’re too young to have sex, but you’re not to young to be in love with him, and you can hang out, go to the movies, go to baseball games and basketball games, do homework together and go out to eat, hold hands, kiss and cuddle, but not have sex — and if he stays with you without having sex, then he’ll have proved me wrong. But if he will only stay with you if you’ll have sex with him, then that’s not love. 😳

[ilovezho]

I dont think it was a matter of peer pressure that made me do it. I think it was more of “i wanna get it over wih” thing. I dont regret it now. After all, hes stil with me right? he didnt hit and run like other guys do. I like your idea on telling him i dont want sex to see what he does. But WHAT IF he did dump me? Then ima be hurt. How could tell I him? Whats a plan I could have to say this and watch to see how he feels about this?

[April Masini]

[quote] But WHAT IF he did dump me? Then ima be hurt. How could tell I him? Whats a plan I could have to say this and watch to see how he feels about this?[/quote]

Tell him you love him, but at 14, you’re really too young to have sex, and this pregnancy scare has woken you up, and now you realize that you want to date him, but you don’t want to have sex again until you’re older. If he dumps you because you want to take care of yourself, then you’re not a good match. And if he doesn’t, then you are.

Besides, you’ve got this looming problem where he’s going to be going to college soon, and you’ll be back home in high school — or middle school. 😳

I know it doesn’t feel good to have your feelings hurt — but that’s part of life. Having sex without a condom felt good, but it put you at tremendous risk. Sometimes you have to do the right thing — not because it feels good but because it’s the best thing for you. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url]. 😀

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