Is it my fault?

[Evie]

My ex-boyfriend and I had broken up on friendly terms. Even though most people say it’s a bad idea to stay friends with exes, but it’s different for me. We’re still friends.

I had been thinking about him every now and then, even though we hadn’t talked much until a couple of months ago when I was packing and getting ready to leave the US to move back with my parents overseas for a while. We talked and it was clear that he still cares about me a lot and seemingly hasn’t moved on. We were each other’s first boyfriend/girlfriend. As I thought back on our relationship, I couldn’t help but to feel that how our relationship ended up was somehow the majority of it was my fault.

I felt that being a woman, we always have to choose between a career and love life, that we have to sacrifice one to get the other. He loved me so much. He had asked me to marry him and we talked about having kids. I felt that I have somewhat given up my relationship with him for my desires to further my studies, trying to get into graduate school. I remembered how we argued about this. He moved to Seattle four years ago right after he graduated from college as he had gotten his first job there and is still working at the same job. I was sad that we had to separate as back then, I was the semi-clingy type of girl and we had been together for two years by then. He wanted me to move out there when I finished school so we can be together. But after he left, being alone by myself, I started becoming unhappy with how the relationship was going. I had become more independent over time and relied less on him. I had figured out the things I want in my life, one of which was going to graduate school at the same university that he and I graduated from. When I told him of my plans at the time i graduated, he was upset (he told me that later in an e-mail after another argument). I explained how the program I want to get into is the stepping stone to my future career. I explained it to him many times the reasons why but he doesn’t seem to get it. He kept saying how I listened to everyone else’s advice except his although that is not always true. Sometimes he sounds like my father and the advice he gave me seems to be always the opposite of my goals and dreams in life which made me feel unhappy (among other issues we had argued about back then), besides the fact that he can sound like a real a**hole (and a self-proclaimed a**hole) and we accused each other of being selfish. I doubted whether the relationship will work if I married him. My friends tell me that I seemed a lot happier after we separated.

Now thinking back, I felt that it was because I was too ambitious and headstrong in going on the path to attain my goals that the relationship ended up the way it is now. I haven’t thought much about relationship stuff for a bit since I had so much other stressful stuff I had to deal with. But when thinking back on the last conversation we had and thinking about the relationship, I realize that part of me still loves him and wants to get back together with him. He was the only guy that I had been with that I felt really happy with (at the times when we didn’t argue). I don’t feel like I had really moved on since we separated, even though I had been with other guys, casual dating style instead of finding a steady boyfriend. The last I talked to him, a little over two months ago, it sounded like he hasn’t really moved on either. I remember asking him if he still loves me and he couldn’t even answer (but then at the time I asked him, he was also a bit angry with me for something I said to him a couple of months before the conversation, so maybe it could have been that being the reason he didn’t answer my question). Thinking about all this, it made me think that it might be just me being so focused on attaining my goals that I didn’t realize I had sacrificed him and the relationship. I can’t help but to think that if I hadn’t been so headstrong and determined to go on the path I’m on now to attain my goal, we would probably be married and be having kids by now. But I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom/wife. I want a career of being a professor/researcher, bring home some income, but also have time for kids I will have in the future.

Could it be that I’m too focused on attaining my future goals that we ended up like this, or is it just other issues we had that turned the relationship to the way it is now? Is it even possible for one’s desire to achieve a personal goal or dream to wreck a relationship? I felt like I had put my career (or rather, future career) before the relationship after he moved to Seattle (before he moved, I put the relationship before my career). Part of me wants to get back together with him but I’m still not sure. I don’t know what to do other than think about the relationship. Is there even hope to repair the relationship?

[April Masini]

Your questions are good ones, but they may not be related to what could possibly be the real reason for your writing me: It’s only been a couple of months since your break up from what I can tell from your post. Although you’ve dated casually since then, you haven’t had another real boyfriend. It’s normal to be lonely and reminisce about someone you did love. I think the big problem is that you’re not dating anyone right now and you’re allowing your mind to wander to your last ex.

Clearly the solution to that problem is to stick with being single and stick with looking for Mr. Right where you are. Finding Mr. Right isn’t easy, and you’re not used to doing the hard work in a relationship because you haven’t been single for very long.

In answer to your questions, I don’t think you are too headstrong. I think lots of women are focused on their careers, and you need to find a man who is compatible with your life goals. Your ex-boyfriend wasn’t. Yes, in answer to your other question, a profession can wreck a relationship, but in your case, that’s a cop out. You two just weren’t compatible. I don’t think you are overly focused on your career from what you wrote. You didn’t tell me your age or his, but I think you’re in your 20s, and that’s a perfect time to focus on a career path. And your last question gets a “qualified” answer. Yes, you can repair this relationship, but it will require you or him having a personality transplant! 😆 He’s not leaving Seattle, so you’ll have to go there and he wants to get married, so you’ll have to change your career plans — or else he’ll up and move to you and be patient while you get your career off the ground.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. 🙂

[Evie]

Sorry about that. I wasn’t sure where to post at first.

I’m at a loss at what to do.

My boyfriend/fiance and I are in a long distance relationship. We had our ups and downs, had arguments, had broken up and got back together. He proposed marriage and I accepted. Yet, we’re still in a long distance relationship that has been going on for a while. And I feel our relationship has hit an all-time-low. Or rather, felt like rock bottom.

When we had our arguments, it was due to our differences in our view of things. For most part, it’s the arguments has me upset. I focused on school to avoid the arguments and didn’t talk as much to him fearing that we will argue again and ruin the relationship. The last time I saw him in person was back in March 2009 when we went on a week long trip together. I didn’t want to leave him but I had to to go back to school after Spring break ended. After that, things were quiet between us. Things kind of cooled I guess you could say that. But throughout all this time, he has been the most important to me even though he thought that school was what was important to me. Already in a long distance relationship with him, now our distance is even further. Now that I’ve finished school in the US, I’m on the other side of the world from him. He’s in the US and I’m in China.

He told me that he doesn’t want to do long distance anymore. Neither do I but reality is not letting me be with him. I can’t be there with him long term unless I have a job or going to grad school. And doing either is already on my list of problems I have to deal with already as getting a job for me is hard without at least a Masters degree and it is hard for me to get into grad school. The other options is unless we get married. My parents know about our long distance relationship but they told me they will not let me just go and live with him without him giving me some sort of status. In other words, they will not let me live with him unless he will marry me.

He asked me what I want for the future and I told him that I want to be with him, marry him and start a family with him. It has been two months since I told him what I wanted. I had called him, text him on his cell, and e-mailed him both at home and work and I still haven’t heard from him. He has moved to another part of town recently so I don’t have his new address to send him mail. I know he needs time but and from his last e-mail he said he had been busy at work, and having recently promoted, he’s probably busy with more work. I don’t know why he can’t even spend a minute to let me know whether he has got my e-mails or not. Is he still needing time to think or just running away from dealing with it?

I’m scared of what will happen and this waiting is making me feel depressed. I don’t believe that our relationship is over. I have talked to my very best friend about our long distance relationship problems and she told me that if the relationship is truly over, he wouldn’t tell me that he doesn’t want to do long distance anymore. I love him so much that I rejected pother men who are interested in me. I want to make the relationship work. But other than waiting, I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know what else I could or should do to save this relationship from being over. All I know is that I’m really scared of what might happen. What can I do? What should I do?

[April Masini]

Please don’t post the same question with different headlines multiple times. I’ve already answered this question today for you under your first post.

[Evie]

Sorry, that second post was an accident and I couldn’t delete it.

Anyways, I don’t know why he’s not responding. Maybe he’s really busy or maybe he still needs time. For me, this silent treatment is making me scared and worried. A friend of mine said this silent treatment is not acceptable and is a control thing. It could be. Do you think he’s trying to control me or is he really busy or just needs time to think about this whole thing?

He told me he doesn’t want to do long distance. I told him I don’t want to either. I want to move there with him but for one, my parents is not letting me move there unless he’s going to marry me, thus giving me some sort of status. Second, to stay in the US long term, I need either a job or go to grad school both of which is out of reach and I’m working on trying to get into grad school. He asked me what I want to do in the future and I told him what I want, and that I want a life with him. I did what he asked and told hime what I wanted. And now I get the silent treatment.

Do I just sit here, panic that I’ll lose him and wait until he replies? Or is there something else I can do to tell him that I am serious about wanting to be with him for life? I had called him, sent him texts, and e-mailed him both at home and work and still nothing. It’s making me depressed and sometimes lose my appetite. I feel like sitting here and panicking is like my only choice.

[April Masini]

Please check the response I already posted. 😉

[Evie]

I still haven’t heard a reply from him. I called him both his cell phone and his office, not answering his cell or returning calls. I e-mailed him at home and work, still nothing. I text his cell phone, no reply. Not even an e-mail or text saying that he got my calls/e-mails. I don’t know what else to do considering that at this point in time, I do not have the financial resources to fly to Seattle to see him.

Is it possible he’s just avoiding confronting me. Does this mean it’s over between us? He asked me what I wanted for the future and I told him. I deserve an answer from him either way. Why is he ignoring me when he was the one who first told me that he doesn’t want to do LDR anymore, and the one who asked me what I wanted for the two of us in the future? I want to believe that he’s just busy because of his new promotion at his job, but it seems not likely. It’s been 5 months since he asked me the question. The least I deserve is an answer.

[April Masini]

It’s very confusing to everyone when you post the same story in two places. Since I answered most of your posts on this issue in the last place you posted it, will you please post this question there, too?

Thank you! 😉

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