Is it normal?

[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

II have been married for 10+ years and we are very happy together. That being said, until recently, our sex life was getting too boring and vanilla for my own taste. Don’t know if it is a mid-life crisis but I embarked on a mission to make our sex life more exciting than ever before. I told my wife we should be more adventurous and explore new things, I bought books on this topic, we did fun online questionnaire on being more adventurous etc… She’s been quite open and positive about the whole thing although I am the one sort of pushing this, she seemed fine with vanilla sex until now but I couldn’t take it anymore. In the process of exploring how we could be more adventurous, I discovered I had a couple of really strong fetishes and a number of things that were huge turn on for me. I guess I always knew about them but never had the courage to fully embrace them or share them with my wife.

I took the plunge and came out to my wife about my fetishes and list of other turn ons. She was very understanding and willing to give it all a try. I was hoping she would had her own fantasies to share, but she says she has none. She has since indulged my fetish a few times and it has led to the best sex of our life. The problem now is that I have no interest for vanilla sex now that I have tasted hot fudge sunday!

Even though I have explained to her a few times the difference for me between plain sex vs. including my fetishes, I feel I have to ask every time for her to indulge my fetishes and it makes me feel bad. She is usually keen, but it gets extremely mentally draining having to ask every time. I feel I am begging and it is extremely frustrating. I am not expecting her to go into crazy amount of trouble every time and to include everything I like but she knows all the small things that are turning me on but still choose to stick with plain sex. As I have tried to explain to her, she has the power to send me to the moon every time we make love but I feel she can’t be bothered most of the time and she won’t make small efforts to please me.

Am I being unreasonable to expect more compassion from her? I would understand if she was uncomfortable with my request but she says she doesn’t mind and seem to enjoy indulging me when I ask her. I am frustrated, tired and emotionally drained from trying to explain all this to her.

[April Masini]

Instead of looking at this question as one of morality or one of normality, why not look at it as a problem to solve, instead, and leave judgement aside? 🙂 Decide that neither one of you is wrong, but that there is a difference in your sexual menu appetites. Since you’re the one that wants something different, you have to figure out how to get her on board. One of the ways people win others over is to give them something they want in exchange. In other words, make a deal. There must be things that she would like from you — in or out of bed. In fact, it can be something like remodeling the kitchen, a trip to Europe, wanting more romantic date nights, spending Thanksgiving at her parent’s’ home, not yours, or maybe it’s jewelry or clothing — you know her, and you get to figure out things she wants that she’d be willing to trade for. 😉 You can have a lot of fun with this if your heart is in the right place, and you both have a sense of humor and generosity.

The other thing you can do is to adjust your own temperament, so you’re not expecting her to want the same sex, the same way, at the same time, with the same fervor that you do. It sounds like you’re upset that she’s not at the same level you are and although she does what you’d like, you wish she were more enthusiastic. You’re disappointed that she’s not more excited about these fetishes, and instead of being disappointed or sad, you’re focusing on her being unreasonable. I think “unreasonable” isn’t appropriate here — or useful. This is just a difference in sexual tastes. Think about it this way. If you LOVE Italian food, but she doesn’t, she may go to Italian restaurants with you, and look for a plain chicken breast on the menu, because she loves you. You will be thrilled that she’s going to the Italian restaurant because you love her, and you love Italian food, and you want both — and you’re going to enjoy both. But she’s going to have a different experience because Italian food isn’t her thing. And she’s not going to suggest the two of you go to Italian restaurants when you ask where she’d like to eat, because she can easily eat dinner with you a number of other ways.

The last thing I want to talk about is the fact that you said that you “feel bad” about asking her to indulge your fetishes. I think you’ve got some guilt going on here, about liking the things you like, and about having her participate in them when you know they’re not her thing. The guilt and the feeling badly are emotions that are upsetting you, and you may be projecting your feelings onto her. Your own feelings of guilt may be coloring the way you see her participation. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

Thanks for your insight on this 🙂. You are bang on when you mention I am feeling guilt about accepting what I like and getting her to participate in it. I have to work on this and accept it is a part of me and embrace it more rather than feeling bad about it. I guess it will take time to get use to it.

I also like your suggestion about approaching the whole thing as a problem to solve. It won’t be easy to find something she wants in return, she is not a demanding person so I will have to think hard about this one!

What I struggle with is the asking part. I hate to ask especially that a part of me feels that some of my preferences in bed are weird, so I feel like I am pressuring her to do something wrong 😕

Hopefully time and practice will make it easier for me to be comfortable asking for what I want or at least negotiate or bargain for what I want 😉

[April Masini]

[quote]What I struggle with is the asking part. I hate to ask especially that a part of me feels that some of my preferences in bed are weird, so I feel like I am pressuring her to do something wrong 😕 [/quote]

This is the baggage you’re bringing to the relationship and the bedroom. 😉 It sounds like you feel that you don’t deserve what you want, and until you’re okay with your desires, you’re going to always feel guilty asking for them. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[jbjb2010]

Hi April, here is more details on my situation and why I struggle accepting my sexual preference: I have a really strong smoking fetish. I get extremely sexually aroused seeing a beautiful woman smoking a cigarette. The problem is that both my wife and I are extremely healthy individuals and neither of us smoke, we both think it is a nasty habit. This is why it took me so long to admit to myself I had this fetish and to reveal it to my wife 😳

To my big surprise, my wife doesn’t think it is a big deal and she is fine with indulging me, as long as it is not too often (no more than a few times per month). She just smokes without inhaling but it is more than enough to turn me on 😀 . Even though she doesn’t like smoking, I think a part of her really enjoys the effect it has on me. Looks like she is having fun with it which is great. Using my fetish has led to the best sex since we’ve been together for both of us. That being said, she doesn’t initiate often, so I have to ask her, which makes me feel like I am corrupting her or getting her to do something wrong and it makes me feel conflicted.

Her accepting my fetish has been such a relief for me and has brought us closer together, but I still struggle fully accepting it myself. I have a tough time separating my real life and what we do in the bedroom.

Is it just a phase because this is all very new? Will it get easier for me to accept and even embrace my fetish as time goes by?

[April Masini]

[quote]Is it just a phase because this is all very new? Will it get easier for me to accept and even embrace my fetish as time goes by?[/quote]

I think that like anything new, when you get used to something, you’ll have a different reaction to it. That’s pretty normal — even for sexual fetishes. As for your question about accepting this part of yourself, that depends on how willing you are to do the work that people who want to know themselves better, do. My guess is that you probably have some self esteem issues that you bring to various parts of your life where you may not feel you deserve things — whether they’re sex acts, success at work, attention from friends and family, and feelings that make you uncomfortable because you don’t feel that you should have them. This issue you’re having about accepting all parts of yourself probably runs deeper than just in the bedroom. Consider other parts of your life where you have the same feelings and you’ll start to know yourself better.

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[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

I just turned 40 and have been married for about 12 years. I have started to notice a change in what arouse me in the last few months, for some reason, I need a lot more stimulation to get aroused and in the mood to have sex with my wife. By stimulation, I mean props and things that turns me on. For me that’s lingerie, makeup, perfume etc… I have a really tough time getting in the mood if my wife is wearing sweatpants, baggy clothes or anything that it is not sexy. My wife has a hard time understanding this, she thinks sex should be spontaneous and shouldn’t require work! What should I do!?

[April Masini]

Did you try this?

[quote] One of the ways people win others over is to give them something they want in exchange. In other words, make a deal. There must be things that she would like from you — in or out of bed. In fact, it can be something like remodeling the kitchen, a trip to Europe, wanting more romantic date nights, spending Thanksgiving at her parent’s’ home, not yours, or maybe it’s jewelry or clothing — you know her, and you get to figure out things she wants that she’d be willing to trade for. 😉 You can have a lot of fun with this if your heart is in the right place, and you both have a sense of humor and generosity. [/quote]

[jbjb2010]

No I haven’t tried because I cannot think of anything she really wants. She is not the kind of person who wants material things. I’ve tried to get her to open up about things she likes in bed but she says she doesn’t really have preferences. She is a very laid back person and talking about sex has always made her a bit uncomfortable… I feel that if I don’t insist, we would always revert back to plain vanilla sex, she never initiates to do something I like in bed unless I ask her (or beg for it!) and it get’s frustrating overtime.

[April Masini]

Instead of thinking about what she wants, [i]ask[/i] her what she wants… and it doesn’t have to be something material. It could be something like giving her a break on cooking Thanksgiving dinner, or taking over pet walking duty for her…. The two of you have a communication gap, and that’s directly related to the sexual problems you’re having. If you start working talking to her about what you want, about what she wants, how fun it would be to do x, y and z together, she may feel better about doing things you want her to do.

More importantly, it sounds like you’re giving up on your own opportunity to make some personal changes. 😳 We talked a lot about this here about 10 months ago…. and it sounds like very little has changed. Change doesn’t happen by magic. People have to do things differently than they have been — and that’s where you come in! Write back with a list of 3 changes you’re willing to make, yourself, to improve the relationship and your sex life with your wife. 🙂 I think that might be a good way to get things going.

[jbjb2010]

Hi April,

Great idea and here is what I came up with:

1-When in the right situation, I will communicate more honestly with my wife about what I like and what I would like her to do instead of backing up immediately and feeling frustrated if she doesn’t seems into it.
2-I will try to negotiate with her and offer her to do something in return. Even though I have asked her in the past if there was anything she would like to try and she said no, I will be more persuasive and try to find something she wants or can’t refuse!
3-I will try to learn to accept myself and the things I like in bed, instead of feeling ashamed about it.

You are probably right when you say that I have self esteem issues, I never really realized it until you mentioned it, I just thought I was a very humble person and always felt I shouldn’t deserve more than what I really needed. I always shy away from taking credit in my work, even when it is fully deserved. I do not know where this issue comes from or how to find out. So achieving #3 will be challenging because I don’t know where to start!

[April Masini]

This sounds like a great plan. 😀

[ealltech]

Instead of thinking about what she wants, ask her what she wants… and it doesn’t have to be something material. It could be something like giving her a break on cooking Thanksgiving dinner, or taking over pet walking duty for her…. The two of you have a communication gap, and that’s directly related to the sexual problems you’re having. If you start working talking to her about what you want, about what she wants, how fun it would be to do x, y and z together, she may feel better about doing things you want her to do.

[April Masini]

Great advice!

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