Is it normal to feel like this?

[Evie]

I’m feeling so confused and I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel like that after my two situations:

[b]SITUATION 1[/b]

This past Saturday, my friend and I went to a city two hours from where we live, just to hang out, have fun and leave our small town, where we live for the day, as well as to run some errands that we can only do down in the city. We hit one of the malls in a part of the city I know well and frequently go whenever I’m in the city, and one of my errands was to custom order my new laptop (yay!) from the Sony store located at the mall. Anyways, I went to the store to do my errand, and it so happens that the computer tech guy who’s a good 6 years older than I am, but I think that he looks old enough to be my uncle, and also who usually ends up being the one fixing my computer issues the past couple of times I had been in the store, ended up helping me custom order my new laptop. He confessed to me right then and there that he likes me. He found me on Facebook and sent me a message telling me how he felt. It was kind of creepy but I kind of liked the attention (minus the creepy part).

I feel confused because by liking the attention, I feel that I am betraying my feelings for this guy at work that I liked since December 2009. I feel bad because the guy I like at work, I like him a lot. Is it even normal to feel like that?

[b]SITUATION 2[/b]

So the scenario is, I’ve been friends with this guy from Scotland who’s about 8 or 10 years older than me on my research team since January. I like him a lot (he has charmed his way into my heart since we met) but I have given up since he told me that he wasn’t looking girlfriend, at least not while he’s pursuing his Masters right now and maybe a Ph.D.. We’re good friends, flirting and chatting on Facebook. He’s a good friend who gives me advice, sometimes, feeling like an older brother figure (at least that’s how it feel it has been), someone looking out for me, and playing clinical psychologist on me, talking sense into me when I freak out and stress about things (we’re both psych majors, him as a grad student and I’m an undergrad close to my 30’s).

Anyways, with the flirting and chatting on Facebook, sometimes things said gets a little sexual in context. To jump straight to the situation, we were hanging out at his house just a couple of hours ago, and we ended up having sex. But he stopped it before it got too far. He thought he was hurting me (it was vague whether he meant psychologically or physiologically) and didn’t want to continue (though he didn’t say it in our Facebook chats, but it’s implied that he has wanted to get me or see me naked for sometime now) even though I did (want to continue). For me, it was like the “WTF just happened?” moment. Anyways, after that, I went home.

I didn’t feel like he used me. This whole thing was consensual from both sides. But after I left his house, I felt anxiety and felt so confused. I wanted to go somewhere where no one can hear me, just scream on top of my lungs, and then cry it all out. I’m not sure if this is a reaction to the stress and depression I had been going through for the past couple of weeks, after finding out that I didn’t get accepted into graduate schools and have to go home to China for about 10 months to a year until I can come back to the U.S. to do graduate school (I’m on a student visa that’s due to expire soon). And knowing that I will miss the life here (living by my own rules, on my own terms) and all my friends, mentors, and most of all, him.

Some advice would be much appreciated.

[stjaba]

As far as scenario 1 goes, everything sounds fine to me. You’re not “betraying” your friend at work, because it doesn’t sound like you actually have any relationship with him. The six-year age difference would be a big deal if you were 14, but you mentioned you’re almost 30, and 29 to 35 is practically inconsequential.

The computer tech sounds mildly creepy, but not dangerously so. If you’re a computer tech, and you’re smitten by a girl, tracking her down via Facebook seems reasonably logical. Did he do something else that was creepy? Us computer guys aren’t the most graceful social creatures. 😉

As far as scenario 2 goes, it sounds like you’re struggling a bit to communicate openly with Mr Scotland about what’s really going on. If you wanted to continue having sex, why not just tell him so? It sounds like your possibilities for a long-term relationship are slim, with your pending return to China, but you could still enjoy each others’ company until then. It sounds like your relationship is based on your ability to talk and give each other advice. Just talk to him! The key, though, is that if you are going to be sexually involved with him, you MUST communicate and be clear about what your relationship is. If you think it’s the beginning of a deep relationship, but he thinks it’s just casual sex, that can harm your friendship. But as long as the two of you are on the same page, then everything should be fine!

[April Masini]

I love [b]stjaba’s[/b] advice to you about situation number one. You don’t have a relationship with someone you’ve liked since 2009 — just feelings, so it’s curious how you feel you’ve betrayed this guy you like by liking someone else, too. ❓ It’s very normal to feel good when someone you like gives you attention, so if this computer guy told you he likes you, and you like the attention, you’re responding normally. You probably felt creeped out because he was so open and assertive about showing you his feelings, and you’re not quite as ready to be that open (with yourself) or anyone else. The difference between the way you do things and the way he does things made you uncomfortable and you translated that feeling of discomfort as being creepy. Try to allow for differences in the way people express themselves, and you’ll find that what he did wasn’t bad. The six year age difference at your college age isn’t a problem, but you are seeing that he’s got more experience and is more confidence at showing you he wants to date you and that difference, again, is new and maybe uncomfortable because it’s new. But allow for the new! 🙂

As for the second situation, I do think you hit the nail on the head when you said you’re generally stressed about the rejections you’ve gotten from graduate schools and this episode where the guy stopped the sex from completion made you feel like you suffered one more rejection on top of all the others in your life right now. In addition, I think he represents comfort to you since he’s been a friend for a while and someone you’ve liked for a while in a country you want to stay in that now, you probably can’t. This was just a symbol of rejection for you at a time when you’re sensitive.

Keep the communication open with him and don’t cut things off. There is more to be revealed in this relationship you’re having. Let it happen.

And….if you want more AskApril, check out and chime in on my new Facebook Group at the following link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/people/April-Masini/100001113133958[/url]. I hope to see you there! 😀

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