[markblancarte]

Hi!

I am a 50 something man that has been in a committed relationship with a late 40’s woman for the past three years. We’ve gone thru the death of parent’s, DUI’s of children, drub abuse (children again..hers), armed robbery (again her children), cancer, a shooting in a business that we both worked that left 5 people dead…you get the point.

We left our previous spouses for each other and have had a passionate and amazing relationship…except for the following. Over the summer she took off and went to see a girlfriend for the 4th of July holiday weekend. No discussion in advance, just an I’m leaving to get some space. I don’t own her and would have supported her going, just was frustrated by the lack of communication. We were in NYC recently with friends and had shared quite a few bottles of wine. During the meal and a cab ride to a nightclub, I felt as though she was belittling me in front of our friends. I shared my feeling with her (the “I” message”) and got a ‘I’m done!” and ‘I put up with so much sh*t from you” as she flagged a cab and went back to the hotel. The next day she said that the “wine was talking” “she can’t love without me” and the “I’m done” was “done for the night” not forever. I have never done anything to give her pause as to my level of commitment and tell and show her I love her every day.

Having been in prior relationships we both agree that we should be with each other because we want to be, not because of a piece of paper, nor the passage of time. I must admit and have to her as well that the vomiting of the I’m done has caused me to question her commitment. Now she informs me (she only informed me as she saw that I was making plans to go to Napa and felt like she had to) she’s heading to Vancouver to the Olympics (again no discussion or invitation) with a girlfriend over Valentines Day weekend. I’m feeling a bit sad and know I will be miserable that weekend as she made a conscious decision to be away. When we talked about this I again got the ‘I can’t live without you” speech. A friend of mine always had the saying “It’s easier to get forgiveness then permission”. What are your thoughts?

[April Masini]

The two of you have been through a lot together and apart and this problem you’re bringing me is not a deal breaker within the relationship, so before I get to the specifics of the problem and some possible solutions, I want you to know that your relationship is not in jeopardy of ending over this problem. This is something that you can work on within the relationship.

That said, first of all, her way of communicating with you is an issue. It sounds like she’s a little impulsive when she says, “I’m done!” and you’ve come to learn that her bark is worse than her bite. However, even knowing that what she says isn’t necessarily what she really means, it doesn’t make you feel very good when she barks at you. On the flip side, she makes plans for herself on her own without telling you about them until they’re already made and doesn’t give you a vote in whether or not the plan will go forward. And while it’s great that she’s independent and not needy, Valentine’s Day is a day when most couples want to celebrate together, and it sounds like you feel disrespected by her neglect of your feelings on this day.

One thing you can do is to try and talk to your girlfriend OUT OF the heat of the moment. If you try and talk to her about a problem while it’s occurring, she’s going to be defensive and your conversation will sound old, familiar and will go nowhere. So choose a time when you’re both not stressed, and pick a place with no loaded meaning like a coffee shop or a hike you’re taking as opposed to the bedroom. Start the conversation from a productive and positive place, like you love and adore her, and look forward to a future that lasts forever together, but one of the ways you’d like to improve on that future is to ask her a favor. Tell her that it hurts your feelings when she gets angry at you so quickly and tells you she’s dumping you — only to apologize later. Tell her that you understand she’s got a quick fuse and the flip side of that is her passion that you find so appealing, but that in an effort to protect your own feelings, you’d really appreciate it if there’s a way you can help her not dump you when she’s angry and instead just say something like — I’m furious at you right now! or some other declaration that helps her express herself, but doesn’t doom the relationship and leave your head spinning. If the conversation goes well, be sure to level the playing field by asking her if there’s anything that you can do for her and if she can’t think of anything, tell her how much you appreciate this openness and that you hope she’ll feel free to come to you if she has any requests, herself.

Next, you have a scheduling issue whereby she makes plans with her friends without telling you. If you’re okay with her going away to see friends for a weekend every six months, which sounds like, from your post, the time frame she’s employing for these trips, then make sure to tell her how glad you are that she’s taking care of herself by taking mental health breaks from her day to day life, and nourishing her friendships with her girlfriends. If it’s only two or three times a year, and she’s with girlfriends, it sounds healthy to me. The problem, however, is the communication about it. So, ask her if she’d consider letting you know when she begins to plan a trip so that you can let her know your schedule (to avoid double booking weekends like you booking Napa the same weekend she books Vancouver), and so that you can use those weekends when you know you won’t see her to book weekends for yourself with YOUR friends and family. Again, don’t put her on the defensive because what she’s doing shouldn’t be a deal breaker, and actually has some merit to keeping your relationship healthy. Taking breaks from each other is a good thing, and just because you don’t need the break, doesn’t mean she doesn’t. Remember that all you’re asking from her is a heads up on her “away game” schedule.

Consider doing what I suggest in booking an away weekend for you with a buddy or two or one of your children for a special dad weekend during the weekends she’s away. Instead of feeling lonely and left out, you may start to feel like you’re taking care of yourself in a way that makes you feel a lot more okay about her taking these weekends off. I strongly suggest these mental health weekends away once or twice a year for all couples who can afford it and feel they have stress in their lives. It’s a great, safe way to take care of yourself, each other, and the relationship.

And lastly, in terms of her booking Valentine’s Day weekend, remember that that particular weekend is actually President’s Day weekend, so Monday is a holiday, and while it does happen to be Valentine’s Day weekend, it’s entirely possible that the reason she booked that weekend for a trip with girlfriends is not because she’s trying to thwart romance with you, but because Monday is a work holiday for many people and that makes it a great traveling weekend.

Reschedule Valentine’s Day for the two of you either before or after February 14, and make it special. As you know from having a blended family, lots of success comes from being flexible. Custody schedules and your adult children’s’ loyalties to both sets of parents means that Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years often have to be rescheduled so that everyone gets a day of celebration even if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Friday instead of Thursday! Use that same rule of thumb this year with Valentine’s Day. Send flowers or chocolates to her hotel room in Vancouver since you won’t be with her on that day, but also take care of yourself by booking her for dinner the week before or the week after and making sure you get a Valentine’s Day date with your girlfriend even if it’s not on February 14!

I hope this helps, and that you’ll let me know how things go.

[markblancarte]

Thanks for the feedback. Very helpful. A few other thoughts…She’s staying with an old friend of 8 years (happens to be male but she says that there is not attraction whatsoever) and I get the feeling that she wants to keep this part of her life separate from me for whatever reason. I also overheard her on a conversation with her girlfriend that she “needed to come clean” with me which is an interesting choice of words. I also heard her tell another girlfriend last night that she needs some one on one time with her and her husband next month. Honestly I feel like moving on and getting a golden retriever.

[April Masini]

Your extra information is helpful. This is the first I’m hearing that she’s actually staying with another man during her vacation, and not just girlfriends. In addition, the other things you overheard her saying are also of concern.

However, the solution, again, is communication. When you hear something that raises a red flag in your mind it’s important to verify it as true or false. If you don’t find out what the truth is, you’re going to stay in this place of discomfort and uncertainty. This isn’t a good place for you to be in, personally or inter-personally (within your relationship).

You need to talk to your girlfriend and ask her what she meant by her needing to come clean with you. If you don’t, you’re an active (although passive aggressive) part of the problem.

In addition, it makes a lot of sense that you’d be uncomfortable with her staying with a male friend on her vacation — especially since your relationship with her started when you were both married to other people, and left your respective spouses for each other. I trust that what you left out in your explanation is that you and your now girlfriend were cheating on your spouses at the time with each other. Therefore, you know she has a history of cheating and it’s possible she’s doing it again — this time not with you, but on you. 😕

Given the history and what you now know, you have to figure out your comfort levels. If you don’t want her to stay with a male friend then you have to make that clear, and offer alternatives. For example, you can tell her you’re fine with her staying with this guy friend, but you’d like to be there, too. That’s just for starters. Whether or not you like that solution is less important than that you express your feelings, be clear on your boundaries, and protect yourself.

Getting a golden retriever is great if you want a pet, but it’s not an alternative to a romantic relationship with a woman. Relationships take work. Do the work. 🙂

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