Is she still attracted to me?

[relationshipa1]

My girlfriend and I have been dating a little over a year. What we have is special – there’s no denying that. We met while I was living in CO, and we dated long distance for about 5mos, then I moved out here to NY to be with her. We’ve had our ups & downs, but overall, things are great. We live together, have a dog together, her family loves me, etc. So what’s the problem? Well, I’m not the most confident guy in the world, and she unfortunately knows this. She’s incredibly successful, beautiful, and confident. I still need to get my shit together. When I first moved out here, she laid it on pretty thick with the pressure – saying things like “you’re at least 6years behind me” and “I’m not even going to entertain marrying you until you’re financially stable”, really making me feel like our love was conditional. I’ve questioned the depth of our relationship many times, but that’s a whole different topic. Overall, I’ve concluded that everyone is insecure at times, and every relationship has it’s BS. Though at times I’m unhappy with things, I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone, and I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. She tells me the same, and I know she means it.

Anyway, the intimacy has plummeted. And there’s a few things to go with this – and this is where, ladies, I need some advice. To start, she was physically abused about 7yrs ago in a serious relationship. So that definitely scared her. When I first moved here, I kept seeing things of her past relationships; pictures, notes, etc. And they weren’t just regular pics, they were intimate. We’ve never done anything like that. She’s never dressed up for me or done anything sexy or romantic for me. I recently made the mistake in reading her “list” (found in an old box). It talks about all the things she wants in a guy, and about all the guys she’s dated and what went wrong. Now, this list isn’t that old, because I’m in it. I assume the last time she wrote in it was shortly after we met. In it, she talks of several guys, about their qualities and disadvantages. In general, I don’t meet the list. In fact, she told me when we first met that I “blast right through her list” This is a good thing, right? I’m not what she typically looked for; I’m not a successful Armani suit wearing business man. Well, in particular, she talks of “S”, saying how they dated on and off for a couple years, and it was nothing serious, but “get us alone and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other”. That sentence alone makes my stomach turn. Well, I’ve met “S”. He’s a good looking guy and carries himself well and is full of confidence. She later told me they hooked up once. (I know it was more than just once) Now, I know we all have a past, and the issue is not that she’s had sex with other guys. I just never get to see that side of her. When we do get intimate, it’s always me initiating it. The sex we do have is amazing, but it’s not frequent – about once a month. I just can’t help constantly thinking to myself that sentence she wrote about her and “S”. It fucking EATS at me, and I can’t seem to shake it. Every time she denies me sex, or I try to do something romantic and she changes the topic, I think to myself, “Jesus, what am I doing wrong?” I always feel like nothing I do turns her on anymore and she’s not even sexually attracted to me.

Well. I’ve of course confronted about this, several times. It’s now to the point that I feel I have pressured her. She tells me that she knows there’s something wrong, and she doesn’t know what it is. She’s cried about it. She says it’s something in her head, and that she’s really upset about it. She insists that she is attracted to me and is happy and I’m everything she wants and wants to be with me the rest of her life etc. I’m just struggling with this, and need some outside advice. It’s a huge blow to the ego when I try to turn her on and get denied. And I ALWAYS do things for her; clean the house, dishes, flowers on occasion, even try with bubble baths and massages. I don’t over-do it, but I feel I’ve made more than a solid effort. For example, last night it was pouring rain, and I took her by the hand after dinner to take her outside just to watch the rain and be romantic and hold her. She completely de-railed and insisted I go back and get the dog so she can sit with us. To me, I look at that as she can’t just live in the moment with me. She always does this; every time I try, she pulls away. I try to tell her that not every time I do this I want sex. Being intimate is so much more than just sex…

At this point, I feel like I need to just back away, I just don’t know how. I want to feel like the girl of my dreams wants me, and that I’m the man of her dreams. I’ve tried explaining all this to her, but feel I’ve failed. Again, I know I should just back away, but don’t want to hurt her. I know this was a long blabber, but I’m kind of hurt here, and could really use some advise. Thanks for reading.

[April Masini]

Since she’s admitted to you that something is wrong with her, but she doesn’t know what it is, it’s HER job to figure it out and find a way to overcome whatever obstacles are keeping her from being intimate with you — or anyone else in her life. I know that you don’t want to hurt her, but hurt is part of life and you have to look at the bigger picture. If she doesn’t deal with this problem, the hurt in her life is going to be exponential.

As for her past, it wouldn’t bother you if things were better in your present life with her. It’s very normal for you to have sex more than once a month, so what you’re wanting with her is normal. Her reaction is not.

Ask her what she’s willing to do to work on this problem. If the answer is nothing, this isn’t going to work for you (or her) in the long run.

I hope that helps. Let me know how that goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

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