Is there still a chance with my ex? What should I do?

[Amoop182]

My ex Kt and I dated for about 8 months. It ended due to insecurities she fet because of my ex girlfriend trying to come back and forth in my life. We ended up on good terms and still chat every now and then. She ended up moving back home in August. And started dating some other guy in September.
I texted her happy thanksgiving and we started chatting again. And I told her how I do still love her and explained the confusion about what was going on with my ex and she gave me a “wow I feel like such an idiot” kind of response.
Just looking for someone to analyze the convo we had
Me:All I’m saying is, we both made choices based on assumptions of someone else. We let someone else control our emotions towards each other. It didn’t have to be that way but we both let Ashley manipulate us both. I know things with between you and me won’t change anytime soon. And I wouldn’t want it to, I want you to be happy and see your current relationship thru, but if anything does happen, know that I would always want to give it another shot, because I will always love you no matter what. Talk to you soon Kt
Kt:I can’t say I don’t think about you because I do. More than I rightfully should. You make a solid point and you’re absolutely right .. I still have feelings for you Ant. Undeniably
She ended up wanting to talk on the phone and called me when she got out of work. We talked for like an hour about things. reminiscing about each other and how we were together and just talking about things that were misunderstood on both of our parts. I mentioned to her that I was obviously willing to give things another chance if that’s what she was up for but I understand that she has a boyfriend now.
Anyway she ended up texting me the next morning
Kt:No. Ant I gotta tell you I feel really guilty for talking to you. It’s not fair to nick, and he’s such a great guy. I want to do what’s right
I feel like maybe she just feels like it wouldn’t be right to just ditch the person she is with, which I totally understand. But I mean I am going to leave things alone for now and if things don’t work out with them, maybe she will come around.
Anyway. A couple days later she ended up just calling me. I didn’t bring up any emotional stuff and just kept it as a casual conversation. I’m still confused as to why she keeps reaching out to me like this. I mean I love the girl and would really like a second chance with her where our feelings aren’t influenced by an ex, but I mean I also do not want to keep pushing it. I told her in previous conversations I am interested, so now it’s up to her what to do next. But I do enjoy hearing from her even just to talk and bull**** about things. She is a really good friend outside of our relationship we had.
Then the following day, she texted me a picture of her saying. “The day I left to move back home 🙁“
I asked her why the sad face? She said “bittersweet”
I asked her what she meant by that and responded with, you know what I’m getting at here.
ME: I understand why you felt you had to leave. I certainly did not do right by you and i just know that’s a big reason you wanted to leave, I just was in such a weird place when we got together and you really helped me out of it. I just realized it too late and things became the way they are. But I believe if things are meant to be then they will be. For what it’s worth it was worth all the while
KT:beautifully quoted. Kinda was a tear jerker for me.. Reading that
I responded with “you already know ❤️“
Then we just talked a bit after and joked around. Is there anything here?Looking for thoughts on the situation. Sorry it was such a long post

[April Masini]

You have to decide what you want and then do it. 😉 You got into the break up because you weren’t clear about boundaries with your ex, and you’re floundering in it because you’re not being clear with your new ex. 😕 If you want to date her, then make that the only way you’ll see her. If you don’t, you’re going to stay in this friend zone which isn’t a great place for either one of you to be. And ironically, she can’t really miss you if you’re not gone — so making a stand and moving on is a way to see how important you are to her.

People stay in the friend zone because they think they can leverage it into romance, or because they’re too frightened to let go, so having this type of contact makes them feel safe. But then they write me with the same types of questions you have.

You do have a chance with your ex, but you won’t know what kind of a chance unless you take it — which means making the relationship you have with her a non-friend zone relationship and tell her what you want and when — which is to date her, and be back in a relationship because you’ve made it very clear that you’re not going to see your ex again — now. This is going to be a big shift for you, but I think it’s a healthy one that will serve you.

She may say no and stay with her current boyfriend, and while that’s disappointing and what you’re hedging against by staying in the friend zone, at least you’ll know and be able to move on. Or, she may see a change in your behavior that is important to her, and want to get back together with you and to dump her current boyfriend. I think the risk is worth taking because either way, you’re better off than you are now. 🙂

Let me know what you think and if you have any more questions.

[Amoop182]

I think that is quite possibly the most insightful advice I have ever gotten: I do want to be with her. And I have made it clear that I want a relationship with her.

So what do I do now? Are you saying just stay out of contact with her? Because she had stated to me she wants to give this guy a chance and I have to at this point respect her decision.

I don’t want to stay in the friend zone at all. She actually hit me up this morning asking me how I am and she hopes well. I know it’s just speculation.

Does it mean anything that she keeps reaching out to me?
And if she does what do I do? I ended up just chatting with her for a while talking about things, non emotional stuff. Just having a laugh.

So what do I do in these situations?

[April Masini]

Thank you for the kind words.

I think that this is the moment when you give yourselves closure by telling her that she means too much to you to be friends, and you’re not going to respond to her any more because these attempts to reach out and stay in touch aren’t serving either one of you. Instead, tell her that you’ll touch base with her again in a few months and you’re going to ask her out on a date, and if she wants to go, as a date, you’ll be very happy, but if her answer is no, you’ll understand and will move on altogether.

By taking charge of the relationship, you’re going to be enacting a change in your own dating persona and the relationship dynamic you have with her. You’re setting a goal for yourself, and you’re giving her the opportunity to show you how she feels. If she wants to date this other guy, fine — but you’re not sticking around. She can’t have her cake and to eat it, too — and you have a lot of self esteem, and want to date her, but not be in the friend zone. By setting boundaries like this you may possibly be making yourself more attractive to her. You will be to other women, I can assure you. 😉

[Amoop182]

I see what you are stating. However isn’t give altimatums not a very good thing to do? I want her to choose me because it’s a choice she makes on her own, not do to pressure. I am going to however limit my contact with her. I haven’t been texting her. If she texts me I will just be polite and respond but I am not talking about emotional stuff with her in anyway. As for the date. Unfortunately we live in seperate states now. She moved back home after we split and that’s when she got together with this other guy, who was apparently a friend of hers for a while from back home. So I’m assuming they are going to work out for a while at least (but that is only speculation).

[April Masini]

I don’t suggest ultimatums when you’re in a relationship — but you’re not really in a relationship. By telling her that you don’t want to be in the friend zone and will only date her, you’re not giving her an ultimatum. You’re making your intentions clear, setting boundaries and showing her that you’re not someone who who settles. 😉 However….. I didn’t realize until your last post that you live in separate states. 😯 In that case, my advice is to just move on. It’s not realistic for the two of you to date long distance when she’s got a new boyfriend, and staying in touch is going to keep you from feeling single, which is the best way for you to get over the break up and find your Ms. Right. 😀

[Amoop182]

I guess so. But I feel there could be a chance she might move up here due to financial reasons. But that of course is only speculation. As she has told me she has been having a hard time getting by down there and in ny she made much more an hour. I mean she knows how I feel and I personally would not want to date her long distance. And I unfortunately am stuck up in ny. But even if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to just move down there I mean, I know moving down there would not sway her decision. But idk, I am not having a hard time moving on. Like I accept that things between us are done and over. I like hearing from her, we were good friends for a while before we started dating. I was just going through a rough breakup with my ex before her and she got the bad end of it. And my ex got really jealous and upset when she found out me and Kt started dating and became very manipulative. I in hindsight realize I should have just stayed with Kt but my emotions got the worst of me and I messed things up between us. She told me I was the only reason she was still staying in ny. So once we split the last time she felt she had no reason to stay anymore. I’m hoping that if things don’t work with her and her boyfriend now, that maybe she will consider coming back up here, not just for me but for financial reasons. I mean struggling to make a living is no way to live. But I mean that is her choice to make and I have told her how I feel, so she knows. I have not kept on about it, I’m not pressuring her like that. So I feel just being on friendly terms is good for now. I mean she even asked if we can still exchange Christmas gifts. So I just get these mixed signals from her. But I get what you’re saying about having the cake and eating it too. Idk I guess I just hate to think she is going to be the one that got away.

[April Masini]

Sometimes the one that got away teaches you the lesson that makes it possible for the next one NOT to get away. 😉

[Amoop182]

How can I get her back though? I’m not asking for a quick fix solution, I know it would take a lot of time. What would I do to work on mending things between us?

[April Masini]

I’ve given you my advice on what to do, but you don’t like it or aren’t ready to take it. 😕 My advice was not to get into the friend zone with her — clearly, you’re not comfortable in it and it’s just going to get worse. If you re-read this string of posts, you’ll see my advice given in different words, a couple of different times. You have to be clear with boundaries — your break up was a result of fuzzy boundaries, and you’re not being clear with them again. If you want to date her, then you should just have a dating relationship. If you want to be in the friend zone, then you should just keep doing what you’re doing, but expect to feel not so great. You’ve told her you want her to be happy and give this new boyfriend she’s dating a shot and that if things don’t work out, to let you know…. that’s not the same thing as telling her you want to date her and only want to be her date — not be her friend. 😉

[Amoop182]

i don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tel her that likes its all or nothing

[April Masini]

I understand — really, I do. And maybe you need to do nothing for a while and just think about things. 😉

I feel that you want her back, but you don’t have the tools to get her back. In fact, I’m not sure you realize the effects of your not using boundaries with our ex-girlfriend, that drove this girlfriend away. You kind of brushed your part in that under the rug… 😕 If you’d used boundaries back then, you may have still had this now ex-girlfriend as a girlfriend. 😉 You still don’t want to use them even now, because using them means standing up for yourself and saying that you’re not going to have your cake and eat it too — or keep company with anyone else in your life who does so. When you use boundaries and stand up for what you want, you do run the risk that people without the same values or interests will fall away — and that’s what you’re afraid of. But what you get when they fall away, is clarity. Confusion fades and decisions are easier to make.

Think about why you don’t know what to do — and whether it’s because you’re afraid of something. Then face the fear. Read this thread of posts. And I’m here if you have any questions.

[Amoop182]

I really appreciate you working with me and your advice. What exactly do you mean by boundaries though? Like what do I say to her? I don’t want to come off harsh and give her the it’s all or nothing kind of impression. I mean it’s really all up to her. She has the boyfriend and the choice to stay with him. I can’t really make her leave him, that has to be her choice.

[April Masini]

[quote]My advice was not to get into the friend zone with her — clearly, you’re not comfortable in it and it’s just going to get worse. If you re-read this string of posts, you’ll see my advice given in different words, a couple of different times. You have to be clear with boundaries — your break up was a result of fuzzy boundaries, and you’re not being clear with them again. If you want to date her, then you should just have a dating relationship. If you want to be in the friend zone, then you should just keep doing what you’re doing, but expect to feel not so great. You’ve told her you want her to be happy and give this new boyfriend she’s dating a shot and that if things don’t work out, to let you know…. that’s not the same thing as telling her you want to date her and only want to be her date — not be her friend. 😉[/quote]

[Amoop182]

I just don’t know how to say it to her without it sounding like i am being demanding or giving an altumatum. I told her how I feel, she knows I still love her and have feelings for her and she too admitted to me that she still has feelings for me “undeniably”. So what do I do? How do I state these boundaries to her?

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