Is there still a chance with my ex? What should I do?

[April Masini]

[quote]…by telling her that she means too much to you to be friends, and you’re not going to respond to her any more because these attempts to reach out and stay in touch aren’t serving either one of you. Instead, tell her that you’ll touch base with her again in a few months and you’re going to ask her out on a date, and if she wants to go, as a date, you’ll be very happy, but if her answer is no, you’ll understand and will move on altogether. [/quote]

[Amoop182]

Should I tell her this over the phone? I just don’t know how I bring this up. I don’t want it to be out of the blue. Or do I just text her?

[April Masini]

Don’t text her! 😮 Wait a few days and then call her. Give yourself time to think about this and make sure you’re ready for it. I really do believe this is the right thing for you, but you have to be ready to take this course and everyone is on a different clock.

[ealltech]

How can I get her back though? I’m not asking for a quick fix solution, I know it would take a lot of time. What would I do to work on mending things between us?

[Amoop182]

So I ended up not calling her. I sent her a Christmas gift as she had asked if we can still exchange. So I wrote her a letter with the gift stating how I can’t do this friendship because I only see her as someone I love and if she is not available for that then we cannot continue the charade of being friends. I didn’t put it exactly like that. But it is what it is. I guess I have no choice but to just give up on her

[April Masini]

You do have a choice! You always have a choice. This isn’t about your choices — it’s about the fact that you can’t have what you want when you want it. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and if you both want the same thing, then that’s great, but if you don’t, you have the opportunity to make choices. I know you’re disappointed that she isn’t behaving the way you want her to — but that’s the beauty of relationships. Sometimes the two of you are in the same place at the same time, and sometimes you aren’t. The trick is to find someone who makes you happy because you’re compatible enough – and who finds you make them happy for the same reasons. You’re giving the relationship a shot by letting her know what you want and what you don’t want (boundaries). She has the opportunity, now to have some clarity in her life, because you’ve offered that to her (and to yourself!).

Let me know how things go.

[Amoop182]

I know what you’re saying. What I meant by not having a choice is the fact that I really can’t do anything else at this point. It’s not about not getting what I want when I want it. I knew she was involved with someone else when I started this. I guess we are just in different places in our lives. I mean there isn’t going to be much more to even post because I pretty much resigned from trying to be with her by letting go like that. Thank you for your support and advice

[April Masini]

You’re very welcome. I’m here if you have any more questions. I hope you’ll use the new year to focus on dating to find someone with whom you’re compatible, happy and healthy!

[Amoop182]

Hey April. So I ended up writing something different to Kt when I sent her the gift for Christmas. I pretty much gave her an explanation of how I felt and things I was afraid to admit to her during the course of our relationship. Things such as the ongoing “competition” between her and Ashley (my ex). She ended up calling me and we chatted about it for a while and she said things like “this is exactly what I always wanted to hear from you”. Anyways we have been face timing and talking on the phone and I mean it’s only specualtion and actions speak louder than words but, she claimed she will consider moving back here in May/June. When I get back from a trip I’m taking for 2 months. She still gives me the I miss you and she has been flirting with me over FaceTime and on the phone, saying I’m cute and all that and that she still has feelings for me. Before I go away however I asked if she would want to hang out if I came down to Florida to visit her. She said yeah, so I booked a trip for a weekend to go visit her.

Just looking for your advice on the situation and what to do.

[April Masini]

My advice is to stay out of the friend zone.

[Amoop182]

Let me ask you this. Let’s say when I go down there and we hang out and she makes a move on me. Do I go with it?

[April Masini]

I think that going to see her for a weekend in another state to “hang out” is putting yourself in the friend zone — which I don’t advise. If she makes a move on you, as you’re considering, you’re just in more of a mess in that friend zone. 😕

[Amoop182]

If she states she still has feelings for me though, how does that put me in the friend zone? And what do I do if things do happen? I mean she obviously doesn’t have too much respect for her current boyfriend if she wants to see me for a weekend when I come down there.

[April Masini]

She’s dating someone else — and you just offered to “hang out”. That’s not a date. That’s the friend zone. If you want to date her, then you should date her. If you want to hang out, then you should hang out.

[Amoop182]

Well I am going to take her out to dinner. I guess I should have used the term getting together for the weekend. You seem to take things very literally.

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