Is this lying by omission?

[lotsalala]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. He just turned 25 and I’m turning 24. At the start of our relationship, he was very open about everything. Every activity that he does, he tells me through text. When he leaves the house, he informs me where he’s going and even minor things, he tells me. (example – what he’s eating). I understand that there’s a certain time that all this becomes lie low. Eventually it did and it was fine. But for that 2 years that we’ve been together, we did not fail to forget to inform the other where we are going if we have plans. Also, until now, he calls me a few times a day when he has nothing to do. Even if he just woke up.

A little backstory: He started studying again last June and he has classmates about 5-7 years younger than him. And he’s with them about once or twice a week having a few drinks after class. Sometimes he invites me to join them even if i’m the only girl.. which is okay with me also. He’s mostly with boys in his class. But most of the time I really don’t like it when he drinks because it kind of turns me off.. When he drinks… I sulk. I have tried to become more understanding about his drinking and he has been drinking less already but sometimes I still sulk. I try to be understanding because we were both heavy drinkers before we met and during the first months of our relationship. Eventually, we did not drink as much anymore but since he started studying, he started drinking more again.. but still not as much as before.

Anyway, recently, It has happened about 3 or 4 times that he went out with his friends without telling me or even informing me. And I can’t contact him. It’s like he’s doing a “disappearing act” and then the next day he’d just tell me that “sorry i wasn’t able to text you or call you last night” or sometimes it’s just like nothing happened. I try to be quiet and not reply to him because I do not know how to react in a tame way. If I’d react at once, I would just nag him. So I let myself be cool before talking to him. When I start talking to him, curious as I am, i start fishing about his activities the night before.. because I’d want him to still be open to me about those things.. and I also think that it’s about respect and responsibility to not let other people wonder and get worried..

The last time he did that to me was just this friday, when I couldn’t contact him and I started fishing again the next day… the conversation went on like this:

Me: I was trying to call you last night between 8:00 and 10:00pm but there was no answer..
BF: really?
Me: yup.. I couldn’t contact you.. what’s up, where you out? I had plans for us since it was friday..
BF: (short silence)
BF: i..i don’t remember.. (innocent tone)

That was the point that really irrirated me.. i felt that he was lying by not telling me something. What I don’t get is why would he start to hide such things from me… A small part of me makes me want to doubt him.. that’s why I ask questions. But I also consider that we’re together about 3 to 4 times a week.. It’s just a couple of days that he’s with his friends. And I’m not hindering him also from being with them. I just want him to still be open to me. I guess I just got used to him telling me everything..

It’s also quite irritating when he teases me jokingly that I’m a drinker when in fact he’s the one who drinks more nowadays.. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel about that.

Any ideas on how to face this matter? thanks in advance.. ❓

[April Masini]

It sounds like what you’re really upset about is that you feel he’s changing the nature of your relationship without your consent. He’s wanting more privacy, and you’re wanting the same level of communication that you had until recently. There are different reasons that people want more privacy than they have. One reason is because they want to test different relationships away from a partner’s prying eyes. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. In fact, flirting with other women may just be something he does to make himself feel good, but doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you in any way. The trick here is compatibility — if you’re okay with this it’s not a problem. If you aren’t, it is. Another reason he may want more independence from you is because after two years he wants more of his own life and less of his life as a couple. But based on the amount of time you seem to be spending together, this doesn’t seem like it has to be a deal breaker — unless, of course, and again, it’s a compatibility issue. Some couples only see each other a few hours a night if at all because of rigorous career schedules, etc., and it’s okay with them. For you, it may not be.

So rather than trying to beat him into submission, decide if his new independence is something you’re going to be able to live with. If you continue to act like the mother of a teenager, you’re not going to keep him in the game. He wants a girlfriend not an enforcer. 😕

The other problem you seem to be having is that you feel left out. If you want to make Friday night plans then give him advance notice — like a few days in advance, and get his confirmation rather than expecting him to just be there for you. He’s changing the rules of the game, and you can play along by asking that your own needs get met — like making plans for a date night. But you have to be a little more clear about those plans, now.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

wow april this was really good advice and you’re right.. not everything has to be a deal breaker.. in my relationship it’s been a year and we havent had that problem yet but if it does come up I wouldn’t be offended the way I look at it is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him and we love being together and spending time together! but it doesn’t mean he is sick of me if he wants to hang out with his friends once a week.. I’m literally with him 7 days a week .. and I have no problemmm with it and he doesn’t either.. and just because once in a while he wants to be with the guys i don’t find it an issue. I think it’s important to still have a LITTLE bit of space… considering we are soo damn close he doesn’t have a big issue with space and I hope it will continue on like this =)

[April Masini]

Thanks for your compliments! 😀

One trick to making relationships work is good judgment, and by good judgment, I mean mature judgment. Differences come up naturally between couples, and deciding what to fight over and what to let go is important to keeping peace. Compromising or deal making is another great tool in relationships because not everyone wants the same thing all the time or even ever.

Over time, most couples want space from each other within the relationship and that just means that the people within the relationship are evolving. Whether or not the couple evolves is the measure of success of the relationship. Sometimes someone in the relationship wants a “man cave” or sometimes it’s a night out with the guys. Sometimes it’s a weekend away with the girls, and sometimes it’s the ability to flirt with other women, but not needing it to lead anywhere that threatens the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Exactly April, and I’ve just recently learned that guys really are more visual and they are going to check our girls breasts or asses but they are not going to do anything about it.. my boyfriend brought it up to me like a girl isn’t goign to go and say ohh I love the crease in his thigh like guys don’t have asses or breasts and a girl can have the ugliest face and they will still comment on her breasts it’s human nature and I don’t have much of a problem with it because he isn’t gonna do anything about that.. And I also think like you said the space thing is a part of every relationship it’s important for a girl to have her girl’s nights as it is for guys to have their guys nights.. it’s an important distinction.. however, it’s just whether or not they behave which is something i have nothng to worry about..

[April Masini]

I think you really get it, now! Glad I could help. 😀

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