It’s complicated

[bandit]

Been married for a bit over 5 years now, two children, 3 and 5. I’m really struggling at this point on whether to ask for a divorce. I want to prefix this by saying that I don’t hate my wife, not at all. This makes me feel like a total jerk about it, but there’s a few major problems in the relationship that aren’t getting addressed.

She’s a swedish citizen, moved here to the USA so we could get married, we both wanted kids, and had an online/phone relationship that was good. We talked every day for months, she’s a smart girl, and we bonded intellectually and emotionally. I actually like the Meyers-Briggs thing, I’m an ENTP, very extroverted, very much into ideas, intellectual growth, and exploration. In the last few years, this has become probably the pinnacle problem in the relationship:

She doesn’t care what I think.

She’s been quite clear about this, she doesn’t want to know about my work, she doesn’t want to bs around with me talking about politics, philosophy, law, current events, anything really. She spends the majority of her day on Facebook and dog forums. (I bought her two pure breed australian shepherds, which is her primary hobby, training, agility). She’s obsessed with the dog stuff to the point where she’d rather run off to dog shows than take a vacation with the kids and I. If we actually have a conversation, it’s usually her regaling me with dog stories, which yeah, I’m guilty, I don’t really care about beyond the superficial and that it makes her feel good. This breeds resentment because I watch the kids, let her go and partake in these shows, listen to her stories, watch videos, just to take an interest in what she’s doing, but she doesn’t reciprocate. I’ve been told to my face that she “doesn’t care”.

I suggested marital counselling a year back, and she refused to go. I’ve talked to her about how we never talk, go out, or do anything. Weekend in Vegas? No thanks. Accompanying me to a conference and staying in a 5 star hotel? No Thanks. Her response when I tried to express that we’re not bonding emotionally/intellectually is that “she can’t meet all my needs, maybe I need some friends”. Yeah, she’s a super introvert.

All this comes into my second major gripe. The oldest child starts school this year, the youngest next year. She got a work permit when she moved here, but never got a job. We started having kids, she was home with them, that was fine, I make enough money to keep the household afloat. So I approached her recently, asked her if she’d like to start taking part time classes, finish her education so when the boys go to school she can get a job and help me with the finances, pay the mortgage down. I mean, I’m not rich, but her working could mean a lot of perks for the boys, perhaps early retirement for me. I got a stone cold no. So now I have a wife who doesn’t fulfill my emotional/intellectual needs, and also doesn’t want to chip in helping with the finances when the kids go to school. At this point since I fund all her dog activities, etc. I’m feeling like a checkbook and sperm donor.

Here’s where the guilt comes in. She’s not really a bad person. I don’t think she dislikes me, in the sex life, eh, it’s not like it used to be, but we have sex several times a month, though this is dropping because I don’t feel like it much anymore due to the above factors. I think she truly believes that my issues aren’t her problems, any time I’ve tried to have talks about it she’s not helpful, accuses me of being needy. But if I were to just file for divorce, I mean she has no education, no job. I pay for everything, the alimony would force me into bankruptcy, my kids would lose the house. I feel like I’d really be screwing over the kids, and my finances. She’s the mother of my children as well, i don’t hate her, I don’t want to put her in the street either. I really don’t want to go on like this for the next 40 years though. I’m 31, in good shape, reasonably successful, people like me. I fear as I get older this window will close and I might miss out on a chance to find happiness elsewhere. But I’m also guilty because it’s not like I’m overly abused or mistreated, there’s no infidelity I’m aware of… it’s just that I feel like I have more of a slacker room-mate than a wife.

I’m considering going to counselling by myself. I’m not sure it will help though, and last time I asked her to go a year ago she said no. I guess at the end of the day I can tough it out, try to lay it out and see if I end up in an explosive divorce just by broaching my unhappiness, or just pull the trigger and divorce her.

/sigh

[April Masini]

You didn’t mention how long you dated your wife before you married, but I’m guessing not long enough. 🙁 It sounds like you didn’t choose a wife well, and got pregnant as soon as you got married, if not before. Online dating is really great, but it does not substitute for in life dating. I’m reading between the lines of your post and when you wrote that you brought her to America to get married, I don’t think you really thought about what this marriage to this woman would be like. Now, you’ve got some marital problems, but they’re not just your problems. If you divorce your wife, your three and five year old are going to suffer. You need to put the children ahead of your discomfort in this case.

Although right now this is not a match made in heaven, it sounds like divorce is a bad idea because it will bankrupt you and force the children out of their home, as well as create possible problems for the children that they might not have if you and your wife stay together. Your problems are very real, but you need to put your children first in this case — especially since your wife isn’t cheating on you, abusing you, abusing herself, mistreating the kids — her worst offense, while hurtful, is losing interest in you and your relationship and perhaps having a different expectation of marriage. You don’t hate her, and you don’t think she’s a bad person, and you never mention that she’s unhappy, but you do have some incompatibilities.

My suggestion is to work on the relationship and try to accept it for what it is, as well as your responsibility for it, and nurture it, while changing your own expectations of marriage.

First of all, your wife has made it clear she doesn’t want to go to therapy with you. So, stop asking her. Therapy can be great, but it only works if both people in the couples therapy want to work at the relationship. She doesn’t, so it won’t work. That door is closed, so don’t keep banging your head on it. Instead, find a way to walk through the metaphorical doors that are already open.

Since, you want to spend time with her, instead of trying to get her to do things she doesn’t want to do, try going to her dog shows with her. You don’t have to like it as much as she does, but go as a way to be with her. I know it’s going to feel like you’re caving, but as it is, you’re at a standoff and someone has to bend a little, so you take the high road and do it. See if you can enjoy what she enjoys or find a way to have fun there.

Her suggestion that you look for intellectual stimulation with your friends, while it may feel like a slap in the face because it’s not what you want (intellectual stimulation with her), isn’t necessarily a terrible suggestion. In fact, I think it’s a good one. She’s not fulfilling those needs, and those needs shouldn’t be a deal breaker because you have children, so see if you can find friends to go out with regularly who do.

Your second gripe about your wife not wanting to work shouldn’t come as a surprise, since you married her knowing she had no education or career. It doesn’t sound like you ever talked to her about working after the children were of a certain age, and now that you have, she’s said no. It sounds like you jumped the gun altogether with this marriage because this should have been something you discussed or sensed ahead of time, before you got pregnant — at least with your second child.

Consider a vasectomy so you don’t have any more children you don’t want to support or co-parent, and put your own needs on a back shelf so it’s not complicated any more. You married someone you didn’t know that well; she’s not horrible; you have to work at the relationship and make some changes in your own behavior and expectations, but for your sons’ sakes, make it work.

I hope that helps.

[bandit]

You are correct that it was a fast courtship. However, I kind of feel like I was sold a phony bill of goods on this one. Yes, she has no education, but she was once in Engineering school, which she stopped for financial reasons before we met. You are correct that I just assumed she would go back and finish someday. She certainly worked and lived on her own before shacking up with me!

I actually did have a vasectomy done after she got pregnant with our second child, the second one wasn’t planned (but I love him anyways of course). While I didn’t mention if she’s unhappy, I honestly wouldn’t know. I can’t imagine she could be in a marriage with no communication, but she is a super introvert so maybe she is satisfied.

I have attended dog shows with her in recent years, the lack of reciprocity just causes bitterness on my part though. I agree that the friend stuff is probably a good suggestion, but all my life I’ve bonded with women a lot easier than men, and frankly I fear that getting intellectual and emotional stimulation from other women with the state my relationship is in will lead to infidelity some day.

I’m going to spend some time to try to improve things, yet again, but honestly, if it can’t improve I really think I’m going to take the selfish route. I can recover from a bankruptcy, I can’t recover from being constantly unfulfilled. While your concern about the children is valid, i have to wonder if it’s more damaging for them to see mom and dad never interacting, and have dad grumpy and withdrawn, sometimes downright depressed about his lot.

[April Masini]

It sounds like you are both a little stubborn about making any changes, and I understand that divorce is an option you want to take. Your point that your children may suffer having a married but grumpy dad who may harm them in some way is shortsighted. You have to understand that the divorce may hurt your wife and then they’ll have a depressed mother who’s demeanor may also harm them in some way. And with two single parents, there may be girlfriends and boyfriends and step parents who will come in and out of their lives, as well. Unless both you and your wife make changes — whether it’s in your marriage or in your divorce, the children are prone to instability and emotional distress.

The children are victims in this in spite of your feeling your were “sold” 😕 a bill of phony goods by marrying a woman [i]you[/i] didn’t get to know well enough before taking that leap. I hope you’ll find a way to put them first because you are the adult. Blended families can work, but they take an inordinate amount of compromise that I’m not sure you and your wife are willing to employ. Divorcing may seem like an easy fix, but more likely, you’re going to take your problems with you into future relationships, and your children will have an easy or tough time of it depending on how stable BOTH parents are and become.

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