[relationshipa1]

Ok im confused, scared, frustrated…

Me and this girl have been dating for 5 months now. Everything has been going good till she went off to college. I know the whole giving space and letting someone go. I understand if you care for someone its better sometimes to do whats best for them and not think about yourself. Her family didn’t help her much growing up just like me. I had to learn everything on my own, credit, how to write a check, how banks work, interest etc…I started working when I was 15 and juggled high school. So my childhood was pretty much dead. So I’m more about money and business while she is about fun. (Which I dont mind, I need to loosen up a bit) We act like best friends. We compliment each others weaknesses with our own strengths its really hard to explain if you guys don’t know us.

Long story short she has never been in a long term relationship and nor have I. We both are real picky and take it serious…she has never been heartbroken but I have. I wouldnt cheat on her though because I know how it feels. I wouldnt ever put anyone else through that and plus im the type of person that gives a relationship a chance before leaving out on it. All relationships have problems and people fail to even give things a try before they go mess around and probably mess up something good. She feels the same way as I do. Thing is we both were on tight leashes growing up, I’m going to college at home but she is 3 hours away. I knew the long distance would take its toll so I made sure I’d rent a car (Lol hate being under 25) ride the bus, or whatevr I could do to make sure we see each other. We never argued a bit before college and we slowly started arguing. I work and goto school so does she….both of our families really arent supportive financially because they cant afford it. (We’re both the first to even goto college in our family so graduation is not an option for us and I promised her I would help her along) Because of that I make sure she gets clothes on her back…I send her money for her dorm make sure she’s comfortable. She had a minor accident and has a court fine that we are both trying to tackle….lol guys I can’t let her fall I’d feel bad making it while she struggles its not in me to let that happen. Plus I made a promise and my word is bond. Since we’re both honest with each other she told me about a guy she started growing feelings for and she caught herself…she is a social butterfly and has alot of male friends (Sometimes im jealous but its just my ego, but im fine with it) We tell each other if someone tries to hit on us, give us their numbers or whatever because we feel honesty is the biggest thing that holds a relationship together. So since she told me that I respected her alot more. Both of our families wants this to work out because they are proud of what we have accomplished and they say “We’ll be the next generation” Our friends love what we have and say we make the world jealous because what we have is so rare. We never been in love before but we been trying to figure out if its love or infatuation….I came to my conclusion that i love her but sometimes she says she is confused and thinks she does but she wants to make sure. I was gonna transfer next semester to a school 15 mins away so I can provide for her much easier and distance wouldnt be a factor. She said she wanted “space” It raised a red flag and then she apologized and said she didnt know what she meant by that but she wasnt sure why she said it. We have been off and on through october but we cant stay away for long because we end up getting back. We know this is what we want but we dont want to let it go. I don’t want to because without me she cover her fine in time, pay her cell bill, get rides back home during breaks (Im her transportation) I dont want her with debts from school loans so we were both paying those and getting them out the way but without me she’ll struggle…

So she feels she is missing out but she knows this relationship is what she wants. She has my facebook info, I allow her to check my phone because I show her she has nothing to worry about. My eyes are set on her and im not gonna let her struggle while I go and do me. I notice how flirty she is on her facebook and explain that guys can see that differently and take it the wrong way. She says she wont lead a guy on and she wont cheat but she wants to enjoy college to the fullest but she doesnt want to be unfair to me and would like if I did the same. She doesnt make it a subject she has a boyfriend but if a guy asks directly then she’ll tell him. Im the opposite I care about her and dont care who knows. No one in the family or our friends know our issue because she feels she’ll let em down. I told her its not their relationship its ours dont worry about them because it will bring pressure to her. I see it in her face she is really scared and confused and I informed her I got her back and i’ll help her along as long as she stays faithful. She said herself the other relationships she was the same way and let those guys go but she doesnt want this with me she feels its to right and see’s a future with me. She even cried and begged me back saying “She needs me” when I tried to break up with her and let her go and enjoy college. I felt bad and I asked her if she felt comfortable saying that and she said “No, but its true. Im so confused right now and im an emotion wreck I think I need help” I tried the “No contact” but she blows my phone up and is upset that I didnt contact her. Don’t get me wrong im nto a pushover, when she gets outta line I put my foot down and tell her whats up if she is doin something wrong. Im just not a dick about it I just come at her with sense.

Our last visit we went to her dads and at first we bumped heads a little not really talking to each other. But after awhile we started talking again and it was just like it was back then. You could tell we were super happy. We left on good terms. On my way back I called her to let her know that I love her and she didnt need to say it back but it is what it is. She said alright and I hung up. Now I kinda wanna stop contacting her for a little to give her that absence of something good.

Questions:

1. Do I let her go?
2. Does the family and friends pressure her?
3. Is she using me?
4. Is agreeing on “Seeing” other people while dating a good idea so we can get it out of her system? Im not putting my life on hold to chance her nto coming back but I dont want her to struggle.
5. What should I do period 🙁

[April Masini]

It’s very hard to make a relationship work that’s got 2 big changes:

1. Long distance

2. One person in the relationship is starting a new social life by living at college

So you’ve got double the pressure on your relationship, and it’s understandable that you are both confused and uncertain as to where this relationship is headed.

It really sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too — but she’s not an inherently selfish person, so she’s feeling guilty, and she expresses that to you as confusion. She’s not confused. She just can’t have what she wants, and she knows it’s not right. But that doesn’t stop her from wanting it and being pulled in two directions.

So, in answer to your 5 questions, I don’t think she’s using you. I do think she’s getting outside pressure from her family and friends. Those were the easy answers. As for the other three answers, I don’t think you should give her time to date and get dating “out of her system”. And since you’re wisely not interested in waiting for her while she tries dating other men to see if she likes it, I think that a clean break up is much better than giving her space to sow her oats.

As for letting her go, I think it’s going to be inevitable. Since she’s already conflicted, and it’s only October, I can’t imagine that conflict is going to go away. Her confusion is only going to mount, and the pressure at her age of living on a college campus, and having a boyfriend “back home” to whom she wants to remain loyal is going to turn her into a pressure cooker who explodes in some way — regardless, it won’t be pretty or good.

So, by letting her go, which is my advice, you’re creating the heartbreak of a break up, but you’re putting yourself out of misery by having a girlfriend who isn’t sure if she wants space or to be monogamous to you. It’s in your best interest to let go, amicably, and move on. I know this will be painful, but either way you’re going to have pain — so I’d choose the option that presents the best long term, big picture solution, and the least amount of pain overall.

Good luck! 🙂

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