LDR/Relationship Question

[inloveRN]

Hello April,

I am in a pickle and need your help.

I am with an amazing guy. Our relationship is progressing beautifully and he treats me with respect and the utmost love.

A little background: I had a job and he was a contractor on that job. That was how we met and how our relationship started out. We had a normal relationship for the first4 months and then these last 3 months have been long distance because I found a new job in another state and he had to go back home after his contract was up.

We have an overall healthy relationship.

About 2 months ago, he came to stay with me for a few weeks. I think he was testing the waters to see how it would be to live with me. It was a positive experience and he keeps mentioning that he wants to move to my state.

However, there is one thing: He financially helps his family out. His dad to be specific. He is from a Filipino family, so I know the family obligation runs strong. I know, because I come from a Latino family.

I have been clear from the get-go of this relationship that I wanted it to go somewhere and I did not want anything casual. Another talk consisted of if we were going to enter a long distance relationship, we would have to have an end-date/future goal.

The one thing is, his home is his home. His family is there and close friends, so I understand it is a big decision. Especially with the financial part involved.

But I’m afraid of progressing forward with my feelings because I feel he is not quite ready for taking this step, even though he says he is and that he wants to be with me. I feel he is hesitating talking with his dad, even though he says he isn’t, he just wanted to wait until after the holidays.

He usually is a man of action and follows through, but I’ve felt, ever since he’s mentioned about moving in with me back in November, he’s never really moved forward with it and he keeps pushing it back.

Our recent conversation consisted of me saying I wanted him to be honest if this is something he cannot do and if family comes first. He says that isn’t the case and that he needs to talk with his dad to see if the move is possible.

What should I do? Should I wait?

[April Masini]

Typically, I suggest that you use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating that person, and the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. If you both agree, which it sounds like you and your boyfriend have, I suggest using the next six months to decide if you want a more formal commitment like marriage or living together. The reason for this timeline, is that it gives both people involved the opportunity to really get to know each other without rushing into a decision or a commitment. Too often people commit early, and then figure out that they’re incompatible. The 12 month timeline I like allows you to take the pressure off of rushing to commit and focuses on dating smart and getting to know each other. That said, long distance relationships are a little tougher than in person relationships because you don’t have the same chance to see each other several times a week, casually, spontaneously, etc. Which is why long distance relationships often take more than that 12 month timeline because there are long chunks of time when you’re not together because of the distance. I think the distance along with your feeling of urgency to know if there’s a compatible commitment brewing, is putting pressure on him and on you.

Then, there’s the family commitment that you seem to really understand. He’s committed to his father and you’re in two different places so there’s a lot of heat on him right now, (and on you, too). If he chooses you, his father is left behind. If he chooses his father, you’re left behind. Why not take some of that heat off — in addition to relaxing the time pressure. Talk to him about your moving there, to him, so he can be with his father and you, too. Talk to him about possibly moving his father with him to you, if he comes to you in stead of your going there. In other words make it clear to him that you want to support his family commitment as much as he does and you’re willing to compromise and do what it takes if the two of you decide to make a bigger commitment. He’s going to feel relief knowing that you’re going to share the responsibility and support his values.

[inloveRN]

Hi April,

Thank you for the prompt reply.

I will definitely take your advice about the timeline. I will try with all my might. Just so hard with the distance, but I know that came with the territory when we entered into this relationship.

In regards to the family situation: I have already told him that moving to his state is not a option at this time as I just spent a good chunk of money to move and the company I am working with is expecting me to be with them for a few years because they are investing in me to get certified professionally for the position I’m in.

However, I did tell him that I am more than willing to compromise on my bills (as in I would continue paying my own bills with the exception of rent rather than having him pay for half of everything) so he could continue sending money to his dad. He responded positively to that.

At this point how should I proceed? Just let things lie and let him figure it out since we just recently talked about it? Or should I tell him to take his time with the decision? Since I kind of told him at our last talk that it would be hard to do the long distance for much longer..( I said it while having a moment of sadness).

[April Masini]

I know you want this situation settled so you can proceed and feel secure in the relationship, but the reality is that you have to give him the time and space to process what the two of you discussed. It’s a big deal for him and for his father, so hang back and don’t press. Let him think about it on his own, discuss it with his family and friends and decide that it’s a good idea on his own. The more confident he is in the idea, the more grace he’ll bring to a move and your transition to living together. I know it’s tough for you not to bring it up — but try. If he wants to discuss it, has questions, or brings it up to rehash, then join in. But don’t you be the one to bring it up. Let him take the lead.

Do be careful when you talk to him about the long distance part of this relationship that you don’t give him what sounds like an ultimatum. You can tell him it’s difficult for you or that you like it so much better when the two of you are together than apart, but if he feels that you’re pushing him or trying to control him or giving him an ultimatum, it could backfire. So try to focus on what you love and what’s fun and interesting, and trust that he’s processing his future move towards you, without discussing it out loud. 😉

One thing you can do that will help is to ask about his dad. Ask how he’s doing. Ask more often than you used to. Send little gifts to his father. If your boyfriend feels that you’re invested in his father and not cutting him out, he’s going to feel that moving to you won’t be shutting out his dad as much as if you don’t ask after his father.

Hope that helps!

[inloveRN]

Hi April!

I want to thank you again for your responses. They are on point and very informative .

There is something else I wanted to get your advice on…

To elaborate, I am use to dating men who take the initiative/lead (I guess you can call them Alphas?), while my current boyfriend, for the most part, usually lets me take the lead and follows along (I guess you call that Beta behavior?). However, he does follow through when we make plans or takes the initiative every now and again.

In addition, he tends to make plans at the last moment, such as when we will see each other next, while I would prefer to plan ahead. I should point out that I do understand that his tendency to plan at the last minute is partly due to his laid-back nature and the type of job he is in.

He is a contractor, so he takes on temporary jobs and at times, might not know when he might get the next one. Once he does find a job, only then will he start to think about our schedule (when we will see each other next and the frequency of the visits).

The take away question from this all would be, how can I cope with these elements in our relationship so I don’t become needy/doubtful of it?

As a side note: I am pretty good about keeping myself busy with work, friends, and my own hobbies, but my thoughts do wander frequently to him as well as subjects like the ones I have stated above.

Thank you.

[April Masini]

If you and your boyfriend have a compatibility gap when it comes to planning, it would seem natural for you to try to point out to him what he can do differently – and better…. But try something else, instead. If he plans something last minute, and you want to join him, then do — but if you’re busy, don’t juggle your plans for him. Tell him that you’re so disappointed because you would have loved to have done something with him, but you made these plans a week ago. At that point suggest that maybe next time he can ask you further in advance so you’re not so disappointed at missing him. If you modify his behavior by a) using your boundaries, b) telling him with some sugar how much you’re going to miss him, and then c) gently suggesting an earlier plan — you’re much more likely to get your way than if you wag a finger at him and show him right from wrong. 😉

As for your becoming needy or doubtful, that’s something you can work on. Stay busy — you know the drill. And if your doubts become too strong, reconsider long distance. It’s a tough gig, and it requires a mutually long, two-way leash and different types of compatibility than in town relationships do.

I hope that helps!

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