Lifelong sweetheart

[confusedmonkey]

I am a 19 y/o college student, I have a bright future ahead of me and I’m a very attractive girl. However, when I was 15 I met a guy who was the opposite from me, he had no future ahead of him and a terrible past. We started dating but he ended up cheating on me. This left me heart-broken and I ended up forgiving him, he then left me for another girl and I was left heart-broken, again. You would think that this would’ve been enough for me to hate his guts and to wish nothing but death upon him. Nevertheless, I didn’t, I ended up forgiving him again and we became friends, nothing too serious. I continued with my life, I went to college but still in the same state. In my freshmen year of college he tried getting back with me, but with all the fun I was having he was the last thing I wanted. He continued being my friend and last summer we began talking, and that strong part of me that swore never to get back with him began diminishing, and in a matter of time we were a couple again. Now, I’m in this relationship that I really didn’t want to be with in the beginning, yet I find myself falling for him. I don’t know if I love him or what it is. He’s recently started coming to my house again and my parents love him. Another factor I should include is that recently we had sex and he’s the first guy I’ve ever done anything with. I truly love how we are in bed and sometimes I wonder if this is more of a sexual attraction than a true relationship. When we see each other we can’t keep our hands off one another and well, it is rare the time we keep it pg. There are still other problems, we are always arguing because I don’t trust him for one bit. He tells me he’s changed and that he loves and everything a girl wants to hear but how much of this should I truly believe? Yeah there are times when I really believe everything he tells me and that’s because his actions are completely adorable and he spends days with me on the phone. But how much can I believe, this guy was a complete pig but maybe he’s changed, he is much older. And now I am left confused because the amount of times that I’ve told myself that I love him have actually made me believe that I love him. We are always arguing and I am always stressing the little things, I hate the amount of time he spends with his friends, he’s 22 but he spends as much time with his friends as that of a fraternity boy. Sometimes I don’t know whether I’m just being paranoid and if maybe this relationship is what I wanted or if I’m digging a deeper hole for myself. I’m studying to become a therapist and you would think that I’d have the answers for this but I don’t.. I am so confused, I care a lot about him and try to be there for him, but I’ve started noticing how he’s always thinking about himself, it is rare the time that I am sad and he actually cares. Or is it just me ? I don’t know what to do.. When I try walking out I always come back.. I need advice on whether I should get rid of him for once and for all or work on the beautiful relationship we are now building, I could try to work it out. I must also include in this that he is not my perfect guy, everything I want in a guy, he doesn’t have. Help …

[katdawg]

I am having a hard time understanding what you’ve written. The whole story is basically about a dysfunctional relationship where he doesn’t offer you anything you are wanting and needing, he’s cheated on you more than once, twice (what is your standard?), but you’re settling for what you are getting. On the other hand you are calling this “the beautiful relationship you are now building”? You say he’s not your perfect guy nor everything you want in a guy. So why are you with him? You are a young 19 year old college student working to be a therapist AND you’re a very attractive girl. WHAT makes this guy so special you are willing to lower your standards and defer your energy from your education to him when he’s not your perfect guy?

The problem with having sex with someone before you really know who they are and whether they possess everything you want in a “man” is that the emotions over run your intelligent mind. Sex aside – would you still want to be with him?

Take a few classes or get a hobby or two that helps you gain self-esteem. You are scared to leave because you’re afraid you won’t find anyone better but you WILL but you won’t be able to if you are held up with this guy.

You do have a choice and you can choose to have everything you want. Sometimes in order to reach that goal you have to do away with and choose NOT to have certain things in your life.

[April Masini]

A healthy body requires more than one organ to keep it running. It requires a heart, lungs, a liver, a pancreas and a brain among other things. If you take away any of these organs your body isn’t going to run so well and the stress on the other organs increases — sometimes with a fatal result.

You are relying on only a couple of parts of your body in deciding whether or not to stay with your boyfriend, and of those parts you’re only relying on parts of them. Your heart has feelings for this guy — although the feelings are mixed. And you’re sexually attracted to him, although most women become attracted to men that they have sex with for the first time. What you’re not using is your brain. 😮

Time to dust off that big brain of yours and start using it! Feelings are never enough to sustain a long term relationship when there are other problems. And in fact, that’s what you’ve been doing, and that’s why you’re so confused and upset.

Treat your decision like a math problem: You’ve got a guy with a history of cheating on you. That’s fact, not “what if” thinking. You’re 19 years old, in college and ready to be sexually active — it makes sense that you’d choose someone you’re familiar with who isn’t as frightening to you as a man you’ve just met or someone who’s still out there. Your boyfriend’s not meeting your needs because he spends so much time with his friends and doesn’t respect your feelings. Add that all up, and you’ve got a relationship going that isn’t really great for you.

There is a reason you don’t feel that you deserve better, and I suspect it stems from your parents acceptance and approval of this guy who’s already cheated on you twice. Would you want a boyfriend for your daughter who did that to her? My guess is no. So understand that your parents have some esteem issues themselves, and make a decision to adopt your own separate feelings of self esteem that are different from what you’ve learned from your parents. Decide that you deserve a man who is loyal, respectful and socially compatible with you — and don’t settle (especially at your young age) for anything else! 😉

Until you can do the brainwork that is required for you to see your relationship for what it is, you’re going to continue to delude yourself by “working on the beautiful relationship” you think you’re building with a guy who’s shown you his true colors that you’ve ignored. 🙁

Feelings are one thing, but behavior is what makes relationships successful or failures. Work on your own behavior and then look for someone with compatible behavior, values, and yes, feelings.

[confusedmonkey]

Thanks for the great advice guys. I must admit I have been thinking about all the advice both of you have given me but I have yet to leave him. You must understand how hard it is for me to let go of him, sometimes I love him and others I hate him, I find myself unhappy because I’m really confused. The conclusion that I have gotten to because of you is that he is my comfort zone and that perhaps I’m just afraid to get out there,I am waiting to go back to college and then I will leave him. He is currently undergoing through a lot of problems that I can’t deal with, I can no longer be there to pick him up every time that he falls. For now, I will let you know that I know he’s not the one for me and I don’t love him because love, at least to me, is being so infatuated with someone and seeing them so perfect that you find no reason to not spend your rest of your life with them, but I don’t see myself with this guy in the long run.. but I need someone to explain, what is love to you?

[April Masini]

Love is a feeling, but feelings don’t make long term relationships work. In fact, feelings can sabotage and end long term relationships. What makes relationships work is respect, mutual compatibility and values, and an understanding that love and attraction come and go throughout our lives as we all undergo changes. Commitment is what people look for in relationships because they understand that love is sweet, but if we all followed love, we’d be all over the place! Look for more than just love. Use it is a geiger counter to start your dating processes, but don’t date someone you love, who won’t be there for you in the way you want them to, in the long run.

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