loner who never dated

[coffeeman]

I am a loner who has never dated. I am mid 30s and never had girlfriend. I am afraid to date because I might be ridiculed and embarrassed to tell a woman i never even held hands. How do I tell a woman this.

[rbs]

Hi…well I think that is something really sweet. Most women would want a clean past of their lover. I would want it. No past baggage. Just hers. Don’t worry or feel embarrassed, it’s a positive thing. Just go out there and get the right girl.

[coffeeman]

Thanks rbs. i can get out there, i just get nervous talking to females and getting the courage to ask them out. I feel i have so much going against me

[rbs]

Don’t think of what’s going against you. Think that you are a good guy and if after a few conversations the lady like you…she’ll continue being with you. Things will fall into place. Just be yourself and don’t be scared of rejection. Its okay when a girl says no. Doesn’t mean the end of the world. Even girls get rejected. No biggie.

[April Masini]

I love the responses and advice that [b]rbs[/b] is giving you. 😀

The fact is that you’re facing fear, and you’re letting it run your life. 😳 Try to think about what the worst case scenario is. Ridicule is uncomfortable and even painful — but it happens, and if you can find a way to laugh at yourself, and understand that rejection is part of EVERYONE’S life — that you’re not special in that regard — you may be able to handle the fear of rejection more gracefully and effectively than you are now. Avoiding it means giving up all your chances at winning. If you never get into a race, you’ll never have that chance to come in first. Most people who do win, lose for the most part. The wins are rarer than the losses, but you probably don’t see that. People who find love, have a lot of rejection, breakups and even divorce, before they find that Ms. Right!

There are a couple of tips I can offer you. First, make a friend or two who’s the kind of buddy you can talk to and who will encourage you and listen to you when things happen in your love life. Not feeling alone is a great way to get out there. Next, start small. Invite someone to coffee. Smile at 20 women each day. Flirt with 10 of them. This is how you condition yourself to date! And it’s low risk, so it will alleviate some of your anxiety.

Bottom line — it’s great you to be so self-aware. 🙂 That’s the first step in tackling any issue. Now, you have to take the steps to move forward. I think you can do it. 😀

[coffeeman]

Thanks for responding April. Being a loner for as long as I have it is not easy finding friends.I am not a good conversation person. I don’t really know what to talk about. I can’t hold conversations very well. I am just a boring person to be around, even when I am around family I am the quiet one in the room

[ghyo3]

Hey Coffeeman, the thing that’s bringing you down is your subconscious mind. Your subconscious thoughts and beliefs. You’ve got to control your conscious mind and start believing positively. You will not be successful if you’re always telling yourself, “I’m afraid to date”, “I’m afraid girls will ridicule me”, “I get nervous talking to women”, “I don’t know what to talk about”, etc…

All these negative thoughts/beliefs are eating you up and destroy any chance of success. In order to be successful with women or anything you do in life is BELIEVE in yourself and fill up your conscious mind with positive thoughts and beliefs and act on them. You’ve got to start saying to yourself things like, “I will smile to all women”, “I will use eye contact when I speak to a woman”, “I will stand up straight and use my body language to my advantage”, “I will listen to what women say”, “I will not be afraid of rejection”, “I will learn from all my experiences with women” etc…

If you noticed I used “I will” when thinking positively and you’ve got to fill those beliefs in your conscious mind so they will eventually transfer to your subconscious mind and eventually all your fears will be gone.

April and RBS give great advice and your days of letting fear ruin your life are over. I used to be that lonely, shy, scared of rejection type of guy. It wasn’t until I figured out that my subconscious thoughts were ruining me. Conquer your subconscious mind with all those positive beliefs and positive experiences with women and eventually you will be a natural.

[coffeeman]

Thanks for your post

[April Masini]

If you truly are boring, then focus on the other person. 😉 Ask them about themselves. If they’re funny, laugh at their jokes. If they’re attractive, tell them what you like about them. In other words, stop focusing on yourself, and start focusing on other people. 😉

In addition, again — if you truly are boring, then do something about it! Take a sushi making class. Learn to ride a Segway. Join a tennis club or a YMCA and play a new sport. Adopt an interesting rescue animal as a pet. Go to a museum. Read a great book, or take a class. Being boring, with all the resources at your fingertips, is no longer an option! 🙂

You have to change your attitude and stop talking about what you won’t do, and what’s wrong with your life — and start talking about what you WILL do, and what changes you’re going to make. 😀

[coffeeman]

I don’t have confidence in talking to women. I get really nervous, so I can only talk to women online. How can I help that. I have been told to just do it , but I get a cold feeling and slur my words. I am also wondering if I am bisexual because I am attracted to women, but I have thoughts of wrestling and doing some bdsm things with a man

[April Masini]

Social anxiety is tough to feel, but there are baby steps you can use to overcome it. Start by simply saying “hi” to 10 strangers a day. After a week, say one sentence to 10 strangers a day! This can be, “You have a beautiful car,” or “What kind of dog is that?” or “Have you been waiting in this check out line for a long time?” Simply asking these questions all get mini-conversations going. Do this for as long as you need to to in order to feel comfortable.

As for your questions about your being attracted to men or women — I think you’re coming up with an excuse to not converse with either one (men or women). Don’t complicate or sabotage the situation with these questions. Instead, start talking to people and work on your social anxiety. 😉

[coffeeman]

thanks april. I wish we could have conversations together like a daily chat.

[April Masini]

That’s very sweet of you — now, take that instinct and go have the daily chat with someone in your real life. 😉

[coffeeman]

I have started online dating. I message women and ask to be chat friends. The women that accept start but stop conversing with me. I am having a hard time holding a conversation. Please help. I for some reason cant hold a conversation with people

[April Masini]

That’s great that you started! Why did she stop conversing with you?

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