Long Distance Communication Issues

[acgibson]

I met my boyfriend back in July, and somewhere along the line we became ‘official.’ I can’t even really say when, it just happened. I moved here in July. We met in a hotel lobby when I was here for a job interview, just before I moved here, and he was here for work. I now live and work here, and he lives about 4 hours away but commutes here for work. When we’re together, we have a great time. No question about whether we want to be together. But when he goes home for the weekend or has to spend a week or two working in another city, I don’t hear from him much. He doesn’t talk much anyway, so I don’t think he understands why I feel the need to hear from him on a regular basis. I don’t want to fight with him about it, I just want to hear from him more. We never talk on the phone because he hates the phone. But a text or two during the day would be nice. How do I address this in a way he will understand?

[April Masini]

The advice I have depends on whether your boyfriend is normally not a big communicator or if he’s not communicating with you because he’s not that interested. If it’s the former, then you’ll get more with a little sugar than with vinegar! So instead of telling him what you don’t like, reward him for what he does that you do like! Make sure he knows how great it is for you when he does contact you when he’s not in town. However, if he’s not communicating with you because he’s not that interested, make sure you’re reading the signs in the relationship correctly so you don’t waste time with someone who’s not really Mr. Right! 😉

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url]. 🙂

[acgibson]

I think it’s the former. When we’re together, we have a great time. He’s all over me. We laugh. We goof off. We cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Goofing off comes easy to him, but he doesn’t like to really talk, like about work, family, etc. He’ll bring it up occasionally, but doesn’t stay there long. I guess that’s a guy thing, compartmentalizing his life. So I guess it’s just normal, to him at least, to not want to communicate when he’s gone. How do I reward him for keeping in touch?

I should also mention that he and I are in two completely different places in life, trying to make this work. I’m 21, just recently moved out of my mom’s house, going to school and working full time. He is my first boyfriend, first date, first kiss. He is 35, divorced with two kids, ages 2 and 4. They currently live with their mom 1,000 mi away and he is fighting for custody. He lives 4 hrs away from me and commutes here every week for work. He is a soldier in the guard, so sometimes he’s sent to other parts of the state for a week or two.

We didnt realize the age difference when we met. He thought I was older, and I thought he was younger. It wasn’t until a few dates in that we realized it, and by then we were really enjoying each other’s company and decided to see what would happen. We don’t even notice the age difference, just enjoy our time together. But on stuff like this, If think he gets frustrated because I’m still trying to learn how to be the girlfriend.

He deploys to Afghanistan next year, so I’d really like for us to learn how to communicate long distance. A deployment can make or break a relationship, and I want for us to make it through.

[acgibson]

I have no other friends here, so I find myself trying to sit and talk to him forever, and he hates to talk, so I’m trying to get used to that. But a simple text like ‘good morning’ or ‘how was your day?’ would be nice. That’s anotherbthing. If I ask how his day was, all he says is ‘good.’ (Though I would love it if he gave a real answer…) If he asks how mine was (and he did once, when he was still trying to win me over), I tell him. I tell him about the good, the bad, the ugly. Then I realize he didn’t really wanna know, he was expecting me to give a generic answer.

[April Masini]

One of the biggest problems you have is not communicating with him — it’s that you have no friends. Without friends, you’re going to be leaning on him way more than if you had some friends to share your day with. In fact, I think if you do make friends, you’re going to find this communication issue you have with him won’t be a big deal.

He’s also probably preoccupied with his custody battle, his divorce and his deployment and probably doesn’t share a lot of this with you because you’re in such different places in life. It’s not anything against you — it’s just that you don’t have a lot of matching luggage in the emotional baggage department. That doesn’t mean it can’t work — it just means that he’s looking to you for fun, companionship when you’re together, and lightheartedness. He doesn’t want anything deep or complicated — he has enough of that in his own life right now.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url]. 😀

[acgibson]

The friend thing has definitely been an issue with me. I’m trying, and hoping, but my social skills suck. It’s gonna take awhile.

The army stuff we can talk about. It’s why we met. I used to be enlisted, and he was in uniform when he held the door open for me that morning. So I checked his rank and said ‘thank you, Sgt.’ That’s what started the conversation. I miss being a soldier, but I think the time I spent enlisted has given me a better understanding of what he deals with. He doesn’t have to worry about explaining terms and policies to me.

He’s actually doing it right now. At the last minute they sent him to another city to work this week, and he didn’t tell me until Monday afternoon when I asked what the plan was for this week. I asked what he wanted to do for Thanksgiving, and he said he needed to talk to his sister but would get back to me. I haven’t heard from him since. Granted, he’s probably working 12-16 hrs a day right now (usually the way it goes when they send him elsewhere), but I’d still like to know what we’re doing.

[acgibson]

I think I do realize he’s got a lot going on, which is why I’ve waited so long on this issue. I was trying to be understanding and let him do what he’s gotta do. But it’s gotten to the point where I feel like he’s ignoring me and I start to doubt our relationship. But then he comes back and we’re all over each other and everything’s great… until he leaves again.

[jade]

I agree with April. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to [i]make friends[/i]. 😉
If you feel that you “suck” at it, it just means that it’s one of your challenges and you are being given the opportunity to practice — and make it better.

I used to feel like I didn’t need women friends and also that I wasn’t good at making friends. I came to realize that it takes time to build relationships — up to a year and counting! The best way is naturally — cultivate friends where you naturally gravitate. Join a gym and take classes a couple times a week. Enroll in a course in a subject you are intensely interested in. You’ll find natural conversations occur after awhile.

In other words, you just have to show up — and keep showing up — in places where you are comfortable to begin with.

Female friendships are great — they bridge other relationships — and help you keep your perspective on those
male/female issues! 😀

[acgibson]

Making friends has always been difficult for me. Buf I didn’t come here to learn how to make friends. I came here to ask how to get my boyfriend to communicate and keep in touch.

[April Masini]

[quote]Making friends has always been difficult for me. Buf I didn’t come here to learn how to make friends. I came here to ask how to get my boyfriend to communicate and keep in touch.[/quote]

Hmmm….. A man goes to the doctor because he has chest pains and the doctor says, “You have to lose some weight. You have a weight problem. And you have to exercise.” The man says, I didn’t come here to learn how to lose weight or exercise. I came here because I have chest pains.

😕

Do you see how your response to [b]jade[/b] is part of the problem you’re having?

You can’t compartmentalize your problems and pretend one doesn’t have to do with the other. When we get into a relationship, we bring our whole selves to the table. So if you’ve always had trouble making friends and you have no friends, and you want more attention from your boyfriend, the answer may be that if you address the problem you have making friends, you may have a better relationship with your boyfriend — or at the very least, a happier life. 😀

Another issue to work on is to understand what men’s behavior means in the context of a relationship. That he’s all over you and happy to be with you when he’s with you, but then disappears and doesn’t give evidence that he’s thinking about you when you’re away, may mean that he’s not that interested in a long term relationship with you. He just wants what you have now: when he’s with you he’s with you; when he’s not, he’s not.

I know you told me that he’s just not a communicator, but the last pieces of information you gave me about his moving cities, and telling you he’d get back to you about Thanksgiving, and then not responding at all…. makes me think this problem is more than his not being a good communicator. I think he’s choosing when to communicate with you and when not to.

What that means is that this isn’t a serious relationship for him. Decide what YOU want in your life when it comes to relationships, and if it’s someone to be serious with and to have more communication and future plans with, he’s not your guy. If it’s someone to have fun for now, but not thinking about tomorrow, then you’ve met your match.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.facebook.com/Relationship.Expert.April.Masini[/url].

[chelsey]

You are awesome Ms. April! Two thumbs up for your advices 😉

[acgibson]

I really don’t see how one has anything to do with the other….. Making friends has nothing to do with our relationship. I don’t see how having someone to hang out with on the weekends is going to affect how we communicate. It just doesn’t makee sense……..

When we started this, he’s the one that brought up the idea that he was looking for a serious long-term relationship, and wanted to make sure I was prepared for it. And as much as he moves around and works, I don’t think he’d be staying with me unless that was still what he was looking for. I think he would think it wasn’t worth the effort (or the money…..army guys don’t make much, but he always insists on paying when we’re out somewhere). I think that’s why he hasn’t bothered dating since the divorce (until now).

He also mentions on occasion that he has every intention of ‘keeping’ me. Or he’ll ask if he can keep me.

And when we realized the age difference between us, he gave me an out. Said there would be no hard feelings if I was looking for something more casual with someone closer to my age. He’s made it very clear that even though he may not be looking to marry within the year, he’s looking for commitment, and a wife.

We come from very different backgrounds, and he had a hard time (at first) accepting the fact that I want to wait until I’m married to have sex. But he’s ok with it now. Says I’m worth the wait. We’ve been at this for 4 months and he knows he’s not getting anything beyond a kiss. It’s the first time he’s dated a girl like me, and I don’t think he’d stick around unless he were serious.

[April Masini]

[quote]I really don’t see how one has anything to do with the other….. Making friends has nothing to do with our relationship. I don’t see how having someone to hang out with on the weekends is going to affect how we communicate. It just doesn’t makee sense……..
[/quote]

You’ve already said he’s not big on communicating and that’s not new. And you’ve said you have problems making friends and don’t have many. If you have friends you won’t count on him as much for communication. The idea is for YOU to change. Not to “fix” him.

You have to be a little more open minded to find a solution to the problem. Thinking outside the box and seeing the bigger picture is what will help here.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[acgibson]

But I don’t understand how it can be ‘normal’ for a couple not to talk for days at a time just because there’s distance between them. He deploys to Afghanistan next year, and I don’t want it to turn into weeks.

[April Masini]

If you had more friends, or if you decide to make more, you’ll have a better idea of what “normal” is when it comes to couples! 😉 I hope you’ll take my advice — but of course, you’re always free not to.

Good luck. 🙂

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