Loving relationship, not enough sex?

[chocochip]

Hi. I’m a 26 year old male and I’ve been with my 25 year old gf for a little over 2 years (** we do not live together). When we started dating, we didn’t have sex for a while, and when we did she didn’t take her top off at first, and I was also doing all the work in bed. I reassured her and she opened up a bit. We were usually having sex maybe a few times a month or so. I didn’t really mind at first, though I would like to do it a LOT more. As of today, it has been about 2 months since we last had sex. We love each other and hang out and cuddle and stuff, but it never leads anywhere. I know people have stressful lives that can affect their libido, and she does work a lot. However, I’m a nursing student who works, so I know about stress. On weekends, when she is off, we’ll spend the whole day lounging, and still no intimacy more than kissing and cuddling. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind those activities and I know sex isn’t everything, but I’m starting to wonder about the lack of sex. Is this something that would be rude to ask or talk about? I haven’t cheated or anything and don’t believe I would, but I’m wondering how much longer I can stay in relationship were I am extremely sexually unsatisfied. It is something that I have been thinking about more a more lately. I’m not even talking about everyday necessarily, but definitely more often than once every month or so. Thanks

[April Masini]

First of all, your concerns are justified.

Second of all, I’d suggest you get my book called Romantic Date Ideas, that you can download here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. It’s written specifically for couples who want to dial up the X in their sex life — which sounds exactly like you! This book has date ideas at every budget level and it’s very creative and will help you set the stage for dates that lead to sex. This is what I recommend FIRST and foremost so that you may not have to go to “the talk.”

If you try these dates and they don’t work, then you have no choice but to have “the talk” where you express yourself and your concern that your needs aren’t being met. Listening to her responses are crucial. This is a hot button topic (no pun intended! 😆 ) and causes a lot of people to get defensive, which is what you want to avoid by listening well.

I hope this helps — let me know how things go.

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I have just read the post by that guy and an female in a similar situation.My boyfriend has some issues with his libido, and it may simply be that I am a bit too forthcoming.We have talked about it but it hasnt changed all that much in the short term.

I have been seeing a lovely fellow over the last five months who I met on a dating site.He has been the best boyfriend I have ever had in many ways/definitely years!He is, respectful, so kind, caring,& with a great sense of humour.We have a lot in common and a great connection – it has taken me a very long time to find him after dating a lot of idiots who were not relationship orientated.There were a few initial issues regarding exclusivity between us but it seemed clear enough it was what we both wanted.However he has indicated a few times he is punching above his weight and I wonder whether this hinges some of the problems.

He is somewhat intimidated in the bedroom and overall I am beginning to find it a bit boring.I feel he has some intimacy issues – he doesn’t really like passionate kissing while having sex, loves doing it doggie style, often doesn’t finish with sex but with a hand job or oral.If I sit on top he is almost always looking away or eyes closed. I want to have sex more than he does and I must say compared to a lot of other great sexual relationships I have had – this is the most limiting.

He outweighs these limitations by being so fantastic in other areas.However he has sensed my dis-satisfaction regarding the difference in libido and I have come clean about the fact that it makes me feel insecure and that he doesn’t want me.He has reassured me this isn’t the case.I suspect he is now anxious about this issue which is in turn affecting things.

He is extremely sensitive (and has told me suffers from anxiety) and I suspect it is a major confidence issue.I have tried to be as encouraging as possible and even now am reverting to a loss of interest to try and spark his so he is not feeling challenged.I am a very sexually confident & happy woman and I think I may have intimidated him.

His mother left the family (he and 3 sisters) at the age of ten and he has had no contact since.I suspect his emotional trepidation may also stem from this and he has never dealt with it in terms of counselling and I am not about to suggest this (or should I – I am fairly certain he won’t engage with the concept,not that I have asked). I am guess I am trying to understand why his behaviour may be as it is.His early sexual experiences were also lacking in intimacy but when he did fall in love, he was with his girlfriend for four years.

The girlfriend before me was 10 years younger than him and he was heartbroken after it ended a year ago.Apparently this has a more profound impact than his other 4 year relationship where he ended it.

I in terms of the past, have suffered a heartbreak that was really only truly resolved a years or so ago.My previous partner of 5 years and I were married for 5 weeks(albeit 8 years ago)and then it came out he had had an affair for four months leading up to,during and after the wedding.I then spent the last 8 years forming short term relationship after the other; resulting in sporadic hurtful outcomes.

I took some celibate time out to grow stronger and reflect which helped, realising my ability to trust was damaged,as was my ability to recognise someone who had emotional intergrity. A year ago my ex husband contacted me and apologised – not in a way I really required but in a way I could accept.He had wanted to meet – to apologise to me face to face, but I declined – the thought was very painful and created a lot of anxiety for me. But I resolved a lot for me, by writing back to him, so finally I had closure.Subsequently I then met this man who I am with now.

I opened up my heart to this new man, but have also had to deal with ending what was pretty much an 8 year period without a long term relationship – previous to that I had been a serial monagamist.

My current boyfriend knows about my previous heartbreak but I have only recently admitted that its been a bit of a challenge having such a constant boyfriend in terms of a change for me.Without going into a lot of detail I said that I hadnt been in a situation like this for some time.

I have in fact had some issues spending so much time with him and am struggling with the issue of getting more space and not making him feel rejected.

However,in the heady mix of all this (as if this wasn’t enough !!)over a month ago I discovered through using his computer he had posted a casual encounter ad on melbourne dating site.
Yes, I was snooping through history and admit to succumbing to my trust issues as I have been burnt more than once with boys I have met on-line.They don’t seem to be able to let go of the multiple dates…I understand this as I had my own issues with settling on one also.

I was shocked and saddened and it took me 3 days to force the courage to confront him.
He declared he hadn’t done anything(as in met anyone had sex etc).I forgave him and told him I had feelings for him – to which I received little response in return.

I am now wondering whether I in fact did the right thing.I am now wondering given his lack of libido whether he requires another casual relationship on the side.

The cruel irony is that he knows all about how I was hurt previously.We did nearly finish but I decided to forgive him after he texted that he was falling for me and wanted to be with me more than anything.However now I am wanting more of an emotional overture.And I have to say I am not sure I will not wonder how faithful he is.This of course is the biggest restraint emotionally for me overall.

He is reluctant still however to discuss feelings and say I love you. And so am I.I feel given what happened he really needs to bridge that gap – yet I am not sure I am going to get the words.Instead I have many actions.
I haven’t quite had a boyfriend who communicates in this way and I am fairly certain it isnt enough long term for me.

I dearly yearn for someone who can emotional communicate with me on a deep level and knowing as many men as I have – I know how hard this is to find. I am not sure whether I need to start settling for second best. I have told him I am very glad he is my boyfriend.

I suspect if I explained a lot of what I have explained to you it would help.I am just wondering given all this whether I really should invest anymore emotion or time.

I do love him but am so worried that I may again be making yet another bad emotional decision.

I thank you for reading this.

[ROCKACHAW]

I was going to post a similar question but read this post first and thought I would just add it here.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. During the first year, the sex was great. It was creative, fairly frequent, and she was as eager to “get it on” as I was. The last two years, that enthusiasm has declined. We do have sex, but not as often and certainly not as imaginative. I have taken several different approaches to discuss this with her and her immediate response is defensive as if I am offending her somehow. I have taken the psychological approach, the supportive approach, the concerned approach, and I must admit, the angry approach. I have a degree in psychology which totally backfires because she thinks that I over analyze situations and does not like to be spoken to like a counselor (though I got a degree in Pscyh I did not take a career in the field). She has told me that I more likely to “get it” if I do not ask for it. However, if I do not ask, ten days go by with nothing! When I say that the first year was creative, I mean it was not the same old position, same old place (in the bed), it was more random. It was also a bit naughty meaning I received oral and loved giving her oral, there was anal a couple of times, and there was even some toys involved. This last year, that has all ceased. I can understand a female having some hangups on some things and I am fine with that but if she enjoyed that stuff before then why not now? She does not even want me to touch her down there with my hand. During one conversation, she said it may be her birth control but she has been on same bc since we met. During a different conversation, I mentioned how things were during the first year and her response was that was when things were new and “all relationships are more active in the beginning”. I, of course, took offense to that and felt that it made no sense. I try to relay to her that I just want to figure out what is going one and make efforts to resolve the problem, but it is so hard to talk to her about it. We have talked about marriage a lot lately and we do really love each other. Everything else is great in our relationship. Recently, when I was sexually frustrated, we were talking about marriage and I made a rude comment that I really was not looking forward to spending the rest of my life with someone who has such a low libido. I got chewed out for that, and I know it was not a good thing to say but it was honest. I read articles about men that cheat and often times it is because the lack of sex at home and if a man is satisfied in his bedroom at home then he will not look to hop in another woman’s bed. I would hate to be married and be so deprived sexually that I became interested in having an affair. Does anyone have any advice about what do do here? Getting her to admit that her sex drive is low is important and she has somewhat admitted that but she is not one to admit she does things wrong. I also do not want her to think that sex is the most important thing in our relationship but at the same time that a healthy sex life is somewhat important. HELP!

[April Masini]

Whew! That’s a lot of response! 😆

First of all, for [b]blackcat5[/b]: I think you missed a key clue when you found your boyfriend’s advertisement for a casual date online all the while he was dating you. Clearly, he’s not as committed to this relationship as you had thought he was and you kind of skipped over this rather glibly. Given your history of marrying a guy who was cheating on you before and during your marriage, I’d hope you’d be a little more self protective.

The sexual issues you describe with your current boyfriend definitely point to a disconnecting behavior on his part. The sex he is having with you is more about getting to the finish line than about intimacy which is one of the building blocks of relationships.

Long story short, I don’t think he’s your Mr. Right. His libido and his sexual behavior are indicators, but that online ad is a flashing yellow. It doesn’t add up. 😳

As for [b]ROCKACHAW[/b]:

You have a valid concern. If your sex life is not satisfying in years two and three of a three year relationship, they are not going to get better in a long term marriage especially if you plan on having kids, which can present genuine challenges for couples’ sex lives.

Your girlfriend does have a point when she connotes that you’d get more if you’d stop talking about it. Talking about not getting enough sex can be a real downer in the bedroom, so my suggestion is you get my book called Romantic Date Ideas that you can buy and download here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. This book sets the scene for sex so you don’t have to talk anyone into it! Try it and let me know if it works for you. It has for a lot of other readers.

If that doesn’t work, you should start weighing your options: a marriage with little to no sex or the opportunity to try and find someone who is more sexually compatible with you. Sex is important in relationships for many reasons. Don’t sell yourself short.

[Author]

Posts