made a mistake, can i fix it.

[cynmart5]

I love my husband but i got caught up with another guy. We talked and met up a few times.the last time we met he put the moves on me but i didn’t do nothing. Somehow my phone went to recording him and when his pants were down. My husband saw it and now thinks i did do. .. what can i say or do to make him understand i didn’t have sex.i can explain further if needed i just know i left amd havnt called him in over a month

[kitkat620]

i’ll tell you what, if i find a recording of someone with their pants down on my partners phone i don’t know if there is any explanation that could right this wrong. how in the world did it get so far as to have his pants down?
good luck. you’re gonna need it.

[April Masini]

I know you said you didn’t do anything, but you need to reconsider what you actually DID do and try to look at things from your husband’s point of view. You said you “got caught up” with another man. I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds like a betrayal to your marriage. It also sounds like you went on a few dates with him, although you describe them as “meeting up”. Dating another man when you’re married isn’t going to make your husband feel very good. It’s going to make him feel like you were cheating. I hope you can understand that. When the other man took off his pants, you could have left and taken a cab home and/or never seen or spoken to him again out of reverence to your marriage, but it doesn’t sound like that was what was on your mind.

If you had gone to your husband to explain what happened before he found the photos on your phone (why didn’t you delete them? 😯 ) he wouldn’t feel so angry. Right now, he thinks he caught you red handed and you’re back peddling to make excuses for your behavior rather than your having come to him clean with a dilemma and a desire to partner on a solution.

So, the first thing you have to do is try and see things from his point of view and be empathetic. Then you have to understand what your part was in this mistake. It sounds from your post like you have to take some responsibility — I’m not sure you’re ready for that. Then you apologize, profusely, and you tell your husband what you’re going to do to make him more comfortable in the marriage given what’s happened. I think that’s all you can do because he’s going to have to decide if he accepts the apology and if he’s going to trust you again. Trust is earned, and you’ve got earning back to do!

I hope that helps. 😀 Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[cynmart5]

I finally told the other guy that it was not even good to talk no more and he agreed. He will never call me amd its done. I know i should have never even went to see him. As far as the other times we met up one was in the shopping plaza and one was at a mcdonalds for 10 minutes tops no planned dates. It was the last meeting that was planned behind closed doors. I keep telling my man nothing happened but he still saying he doubts that. I’m trying to tell him that i just couldn’t do it. That i had no attraction to him. Hw has stoped buggjn as much but says he still thinks about it. All i can do is wait and see if he gets over it.

[April Masini]

I think you’re right that now that the damage is done, and you’ve done your damage control by cutting off communication with the other guy, you have to wait and let time pass to allow him to decide what he wants to do — and you, too.

[cynmart5]

An update- I have been praying for my situation because i feel like i can’t get through to my partner. He still thinks i had a sexual thing. Two days ago he calls me and when i didn’t pick up for dealin with the kids he left a message. I called him 1 minute later and he says. I don’t feel like talking. The message he left was about how he knows I’m busy with other things. That’s how women like Me do. Like if i was busy with that guy. Now yesterday he says he has great love because of our two kids but he might leave me. Then i told him to let god guide him. He says if he does i won’t like it.i refuse to believe god is telling him to leave me. I am trying to be patient but i dont know how much i can take. Always worried abou doing something that will be flipped against me in some way. All i can do is be patient.

[April Masini]

It’s very sad when you have to learn by your mistakes. In this case you don’t have a choice. He’s lost his trust in you and you have to earn it back. He’s going to figure things out one way or another, but what he figures out may not favor you.

[cynmart5]

things are not looking too good. my husnand sent me a text after arguing that he wont come for another 5 monthsay he says he is so hurt he feels like choking me, so he wont comeback until his heart heals. I dont know if he’s serious, but he hase never ever hit me or talked this way.

[April Masini]

I’m sorry that this is difficult for you.

[cynmart5]

So my man still thinks i cheated or had sexual encounter so he’s talking about not coming back. I know i am innoscent. He will support the kids for now but i got to have a plan b in case he loses his employment or such. In the meantime i will wait for a change of heart but keep on goin strong. Will try to go back and finish up culinary school and get stronger. Thinking about gettin lie detector test done om me to stop him from continuing goin on about it cost $200 250 but i don’t have it yet.

[April Masini]

If you’re at the point in your relationship where you’re shopping retail for a lie detector machine, you’ve lost your focus. 😳 You may not have had intercourse with this other man, but you were in a car with him when he took off his pants. If you take up a strong defense, as it appears you are, it’s going to come in to your husband like a combative approach. What he needs is understanding, not fighting him and lining up government issue lie detectors.

Your attitude about finishing school, being strong and finding a financial plan B are all smart moves. Just stay focused on doing the right thing and if you can balance that with understanding for your husband’s thoughts — it’s not hard to jump to the conclusion he has once he’s seen a guy with his pants down photographed on your cell phone before you had a chance to tell him what happened first.

I’m not blaming you — just asking you to try and see it from his point of view, and to have empathy for him, all the while taking care of yourself and your kids. Not an easy feat, but you can do it. 😉

[cynmart5]

My husband is telling me that its no more between us. Even though i own up to the wrong I’ve done he is still mad. He got job local so that’s good. I’m still thinkin about that lie detect test. I don’t think he will ever believe me. I just want to stop him from being so cruel to me. If he don’t want to work things out that’s fine. I think i will get more help with me going to school and all. Plus he is calling me a liar lying since we met 8 years ago. Doesn’t that make it okay to take the test? I mean i refuse to be called a liar and wait to see if he is just calling me names, bashing me as he is hurt. Or if its what he truly feels and we can’t be sivilised for the kids.

[April Masini]

When marriages end both people involved go through their own processes to end it. Your husband is rethinking the entire relationship and he’s accusing you of being a liar because it’s easier for him to end things if he’s been wronged the entire time. Obviously, this isn’t a black and white situation, but he’s trying to make it so so he can have an easier time of what appears to be an impending divorce. Even if you take a lie detector test (which I still think is a mistake and a waste of time because he’s not going to believe the results if they’re favorable to you), he’s going to find something else to help him find his way out of the marriage. He’s decided he wants out and he’s acting on it. Not everyone does this gracefully, fairly or wisely. But this is his journey now.

I know you don’t like these indignities, and while you’re owning responsibility for what you did in the marriage, this extra heap of insult seems wrong. Your best bet is to take the high road. Establish boundaries and find a balance of sympathy for his plight and focus for your future. I know this is difficult, but I know you can do it, too! 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[cynmart5]

My husband broke it off with me and keeps telling me that he likes the single life now. He talks like he is talkin to another. Everytime we talk he acts like some other lady is around but i never hear in the background. Since this he says i forgive you for what you done. Really i don’t know if you did it or not. He still calls and asks if he’s around he sometimes argues with me but. He says I’m sorry sometimes. He talks more sivil at times. The worst is he says he’s not comin back for a looong time. That is bad for the kids. He got a job local but says he will stay at a hotel.as far as the lie test I’m not going to do it without his involvement. I know it will backfire if i do. If i tell him i am doin it and he says no i won’t. I think i can prove that I’m so being true I’m willing to do that. Just a thought.

[April Masini]

He’s moved on, and it’s time for you to accept that. 🙁 Focus on being a single mom and try and make your life better one step at a time each day. 😉

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