Marriage and Stepchildren

[Jim]

My Wife and I have been married 9years. I have 4 grown children and 1 minor who lives with my ex. spouse. Since I married my wife, I have relocated to Hawaii and my grown children remain in the mid-west U.S. I created annimosity between my wife and children. My daughter has not only treated my wife badly, but my mother and sister as well. We had a family reunion, that was the first time my wife met my family, and my daughter and son treated my new wife and stepson horribly. My ex-wife was brought in on it by my children and harrassed us for 41/2 hours. On our first anniversary, I took my 16 yr old daughter out of state to a hotel and stayed with her without my wife’s knowledge or approval. My 24 yr old daughter sent a E-mail threating my wife. My ex-wife has also infiltrated our credit and accessed my account to recieve copayments that were intended for us.Over the course of our marriage, there has been an increasing amount of animosity between my Wife and children. My Wife is requesting that I cut off contact with my children unless they apologize to her, my mother and sister for their attitude and behavior since our marriage began. My Wife insists on me being there for her exclusively and will not entertain the thought of visiting the children until this apology takes place. She has reached out an and has had my daughter with mental illness with cutting issues and helped her obtain her GED and went to counseling with her to support her. When my oldest daughter had her first child, she sent her an amazing gift to both her son and step-child and never recieved a “Thank You” nither did my mom, contributing to the tensions between them. I am in the travel industry and gone 18 days a month- sometimes a full month– though seldom. In addition, my stepson (her only son) is leaving for the military–so she has some abandonment issues to deal with as well. Our marriage is not healthy because I am decietful to my Wife and she does not trust me, but I do love her as well as the children, however, I find it difficult to maintain a relationship with my children since there is so much strife between them. My loyalty is with my wife and I am committed to her, however, I want to be a father to my children too since I am now a grandfather. I have spoken with my children and my Wife about this matter many times without resolve. Since then, I have gone covert with maintaining a relationship with my children through email and phone calls while away on my trips which makes my Wife understandably suspicious. What more can I do to encourage resolve between everyone? Is it realistic for my Wife to ask me to terminate contact with the children unless an apology to her takes place? I am skeptical that even an apology will improve this relationship because my children will continue thier behavior and I keep giving them the green light by not standing up for myself or my Wife. I am walking a tightrope wanting to be a husband, and a father. Any advise for this situation. Now,I have told you the real story .Thanks

[April Masini]

Stepfamilies are [i]very[/i] difficult! I’m glad you wrote, because this is an important problem that needs care — and ongoing care, at that. The trick with stepfamilies is understanding that they change. Your wife is changing because her minor son is leaving to go into the military. Your children are all changing by marrying and having children. And your role is changing when you become a husband, a father, an ex-husband, a re-married husband, a step-father and a grandfather! And that’s just for starters.

My first piece of advice is not to lie to your wife about your keeping in contact with your children. You need to come clean with her and tell her the truth about what you’ve been doing. I suspect the reason you didn’t tell her you were contacting your children against her wishes is that you didn’t want to deal with the conflict and disappointment from her. Tough. Welcome to marriage with children and step-children! Conflict and disappointment are as much a part of the terrain as love and security are. So buckle up, and tell her the truth. And apologize big time for betraying her trust in this arena. You were wrong here. Admit it and move on.

Second, you need to tell your wife that she does come first, and that you will support her in expecting good behavior from your children. In the same breath, you also need to tell her that you will not cut off your children. In answer to your question, it is realistic for her to ask you to cut off from them unless they apologize to her — anything she asks is realistic. But you’re not going to do it. They are your children, for better or for worse, and you want a relationship with them.

Third, you can tell her that you will only visit the children with her, to show your commitment to her. If she chooses not to go, then that’s okay. But every time you visit them, invite her. [i]Every[/i] time!

Fourth, you need to deal with this apology demand on her part. It would be wise for her to drop her demand for an apology. It’s petty and step children and step parents say stupid things to each other all the time, mostly because they don’t have models for these roles. Also, because the pressure on stepfamilies is uncharted territory. Eventually studies will come out showing how much stress stepfamilies endure, but for now, take my word for it. Somebody has to break the cycle and take the high road here, and if she can find it in her heart to do so — even if the children all have 666 etched on their scalps and are terminally unpleasant — it would be a big gift to you because they’re your children.

Most importantly, is your own attitude in approaching your wife on this subject. You’re going to have to breathe new life into what I suspect is a beaten down subject with her. Be understanding of her very difficult role in this family. Step-mothers are almost always in a no-win situation with the step-children. So empathize and thank her for sticking in there with you for all these years even when it’s been rough going! In fact, a preemptive present wouldn’t be a bad idea because she’s going to automatically go into defensive mode. You want to try and stay away from attacking her or making her feel anything, but supported and heard. A gift might do the trick to grease the wheels on this tough (series of) conversation(s).

[optimistvik]

I have a feel that she is worried that you will leave her and go to your children so she is very firm in her decision as she knows very well that it is not possible for your children to come and ask apology from her.
first assure her that she comes first in your life. and that she is very important no matter what happens.

[April Masini]

Optimistvik is right that your wife is feeling insecure. Being a stepmother can really bring that out because the husband’s children have a bond to him that the new wife can never share in the same way that the biological mother can. This [i]can[/i] be threatening. And to be fair, stepchildren sometimes feel threatened by the stepmother, for the same reasons, as well. They see the new wife as replacing their mother and threatening their family, as it used to be. They can also see their father as rejecting them for his new wife.

It’s [i]complicated! [/i]

This is exactly why it’s so important not to put family members on the defensive when possible. Absolutely make the new wife understand that she comes first, but at the same time, don’t let go of relationships with children. It’s a big balancing act that looks different every minute of every day! But it can be done.

[Author]

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