[relationshipa1]

I work 14 hours a week and go to school for nursing full time and cook appx once a week ( since he works nights) clean weekly do laundry and make sure all the bills are paid on time he works appox 36 a week takes out the trash and do dishes occasionally we have one car so I usually take is since i leave school and head straight to work however my husband complains all the time that he shouldnt have to take the train even though it goes straight downtown and isnt too far from the house he also thinks i need to work more hours plus come home and cook more types of food and still have time to do homework and have time for myself whos the problem?? and any additonal advice???

[April Masini]

Just because someone wants something from you doesn’t mean you have to do it! I bet that’s news to you! 🙂 It sounds like both you and your husband are spending a lot of time on your separate lives, and running your home together, and you’re both highly functional. You’re probably also used to being successful at what you do, and when you hear someone tell you you need to do something, you aim to do it and have success in that way.

I’d like to suggest a new way for you to look at things. When your husband wants things from you — like for you to work more hours at your job and cook more, I’d like you to not react. I know that’s probably going to be hard for you since you’re used to doing, doing, doing! But I’d like you to just stop and think about what he’s saying, how he’s saying it, and how he’s feeling when he’s saying it.

First of all, what he may really want is more “you,” but he doesn’t know how to ask for it. So, he’s asking for these other things instead. He may be wanting more intimacy with you — sexual as well as emotional. He may be wanting to feel more like the man in the relationship, and if your sex life has cooled, he’s not getting that opportunity, so he’s ordering you around outside the bedroom. This could possibly be solved by leaving work and cooking and the dishes and the trash behind you for some time alone in bed.

With both your schedules and your efficiency so busy and high, my guess is you’re forgetting to be with each other. When your sex life is good, sometimes these other things don’t matter as much — to either one of you. So check in with yourself and ask yourself how your sex life is, and if that’s not really what’s going on here.

Secondly, just because he wants things doesn’t mean he’s going to get it, and you have to be okay with not doing what he wants all the time — and disappointing him, and yourself. I bet it’s hard for you not to please him because you’re so used to doing the right thing. But just because he wants you to work more and cook more, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you or your marriage. It’s important to know your limits. If you do that extra work and cooking and you’re cranky from being exhausted and depleted, you didn’t do a service to your husband, your marriage or yourself. So your job is to explain your limits to your husband.

And thirdly, the WAY you explain those limits is crucial. If you get into a defensive mode, you’re going to start a cold war with him. What is really important is that you tell him how much you understand why he wants you to work more hours and to cook more. You really do, and you wish you could be someone who is able to do that with full time school and a part time job, but you’re not. See what’s going on here? You’re diffusing the situation by not fighting with him, and by telling him he’s not wrong to want these things. But you’re going to have to disappoint him, and yourself, by not being able to give them to him now. Tell him you can’t wait until you’re finished school so that you can just have one job and not school and a part time job, and you’ll be able to do more for him then. But right now, you feel so sorry that you can’t do this for him, and you hope he’ll understand.

So consider my points, one, two and three, and see what works for you in your marriage. Let me know!

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