[relationshipa1]

Hello, just looking for some advice. Help! Thank you for responding in advance..
I have been with my bf for 7 months and we are in love he has told me he is very interested in settling down with me and wants me to move in with him in the near future. He has a child. We play and hold hands and we get along very well. There have been several times that I wanted to go out to a party or what have you and he became upset and jealous because he could not go (because he had his child with him). Almost everytime this happened I cancelled my plans and hung out with him instead in order to save his feelings. (This is just some important background, not part of question)
In the last few months I have noticed that he is close with his child’s mother. They talk about relationships and occasionally do things with child together. He kind of insisted on having get-togethers at his house (including Thanksgiving and Christmas) where she is present although I told him it makes me uncomfotable. They will talk on the phone and giggle like old girlfriends and it kinda makes me feel bad. Anybody I have ever known in his situation just tolerates their ex for the child’s sake.
When I confronted him about this he told me in so many words that if he wishes I would have fun and be part of their family because his ex is a special friend and if I didn’t like it that was too bad. I smile and am polite in those situations but I felt like he should have a little consideration for my feelings. Especially since I have completely catered to him when it comes to my hanging out with other people.
I didn’t realize the reality of the situation until I had already fallen in love with him and became close with his child.
I want to know:
1. Is this normal behavior between ex’s that have a child and are in a relationship?
2. Am I overreacting? I’ve never dated anyone with child before

[April Masini]

When you date a single parent, the circumstances are very different than when you date someone who has no children. The relationship your boyfriend has with his ex-wife is important because it makes the child’s life better because her parents get along in spite of the divorce. While this sounds simple, it can be very difficult for someone like yourself who is not prepared for the extent of the relationship you will have to have with your boyfriend’s ex if you want to be in a long term relationship with him.

Single parents’ relationships with their ex’s range from acrimonious to very chummy. Your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex tends towards the very chummy extreme. The good thing is that you found out the extent of this relationship BEFORE you moved in with him or even married him. Now, you have to decide if he is compatible with you given this relationship.

In answer to your questions, yes, this can be very normal behavior for a single parent, and no, you are not overreacting. Both yours and your boyfriends’ feelings and behaviors are normal. The problem is that they may not be compatible.

Think long and hard about continuing your relationship with your current boyfriend. If you do move forward, be prepared for Thanksgivings, Christmases and other holiday get togethers where his ex and their daughter will be included. The reality is that they are still a family, in spite of the divorce, because of their child. You may end up being the stepmother and second wife to your boyfriend. That said, he will always have his daughter in his life (and yours, if you continue with him), as well as her mother.

Be honest with yourself because being in love with your boyfriend isn’t enough to make this relationship work. You have to be very flexible, mature and understanding of the complicated family scenarios that will arise.

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