[angiebaby4384]

I met my fiance about a year and a half ago, and we immediately fell for one another. Things seemed so perfect. We never fought, argued, or spent any time unhappy. We spent the majority of our free time together (although we were working completely opposite shifts), and he was an excellent role model for my then 4 year old son from the day they met each other. I felt like a princess living in a fantasy world. He would leave flowers at my door step, lay in bed and cuddle with me for hours ont he weekends, and stay up talking all night with me. I never felt more loved than by him in the beginning of our relationship.

We were only together a matter of months before he moved into my apartment with me, and almost immediately I was pregnant. We now have a 5 month old baby girl, who he absolutely adores, and he asked me to marry him at the hospital in the delivery room.

Seems like everything should be so perfect, but I can tell that something huge is missing. I think its the fact that we have a major lack of communication in our relationship. I can’t help but blame it on him, because I am very vocal, and have never had this problem in any other relationship in my life. If I have an issue or a problem, I let him know. My intent is that we can talk about it, he’ll put in his opinion, we can compromise, and the problem will be solved. I don’t know if its the way I say things, or his enormous fear on communication, but it never works out that way. Me vocalizing my wants and needs is always “complaining” in his eyes and never fails to turn into a blow-out fight. Not only do we fight, he ends up saying things he doesn’t mean (well at least I don’t think he means them) and I end up upset all day.. but the problem never gets solved, and will probably escalate into the same exact fight by the end of the week. Please tell me how I can get him to communicate with me! He tells me he loves me so much, he sleeps in the bed with me every night and pees with the bathroom door open for christ sakes, why is it so hard for him to tell me him feelings?

This man treats me better than anyone I have ever been with, and takes care of me and my children in a better way than I could have ever asked for, but I just don’t see how I can marry someone when there is no intimate communication. I guess I was spoiled in this department by a former boyfriend. He was a terrible, unfaithful, disrespectful guy, but we could talk for hours about anything and everything in the world. We would sit on the deck all night solving the worlds problems over a beer, and he always understood me and where I was coming from, even if he didn’t agree. I believe my fiance has this capability also, and that is the only thing we seem to lack, but I just don’t know how to open up that side of him. Please help!

[joe2424]

Ha! Hey, you’re not alone! I’ve got the same issue in reverse! My wife will not open up unless she is absolutely ticked off about something. Getting her to tell me what’s up, or how she is feeling, is like pulling teeth. At our wedding when she was saying her vows to me, I choked up, because that was the first time I’ve heard those kind of words coming from her mouth, and it was the last! Anytime I try to express any kind of displeasure, or whatever is bothering me, it turns into a fight. Here is what I learned from her. I point blank asked her why she would bottle things up, refused to talk things out, and could never express her feelings for me. Her reply was that first, she hates confrontation, and the way I present things sometimes, sounds like I’m looking for a fight. Second, she has never been comfortable talking about things that involve feelings. Why she can’t tell me face to face why she loves me is still a mystery! Here’s what works for us. Instead of talking face to face, she will email me any problems she has. It’s childish in my eyes, but if that’s what it takes to keep the lines of communication open, I’m all for it. The issues that you have to watch out for are that you can’t read body language, or sometimes things are taken wrong on an email. Plus, it’s not intimate at all. I have changed the way I approach certain things with her. I have taken a more “beat around the bush,” tactic to get a point across. This guy you describe sounds like a good man. Could it be that he’s just not comfortable expressing himself, or maybe doesn’t like confrontation?

[katdawg]

in my opinion someone in her childhood made her the way she is. i admit i am the same way, but i am working really hard to overcome this problem so that i won’t keep doing what is happening in your case. i would send emails and write out my feelings just as you described. i used to think at least it’s getting communicated in some form..right? welll….see how frustrated you are and i admit some ex’s i’ve left behind were. i can tell you my story and it may or may not be your case…but hey…it’s somewhere to start. i grew up with a narcissistic mother. if i wasn’t the pretty wall flower or did as she please i got hell. my dad…probably a little bit as well but it was mostly my mom. i was never able to explain myself or my feelings were always discarded and never mattered. i’m 36 now and i’m still scare to express my wants or something i’m upset about. i learned to express vocally, but i think i took it to the extreme because a guy described me as annoying. so finding a happy medium is a challenge. maybe approaching her with empathy and compassion will help. i know i am looking for someone “safe” i can express freely using my voice to rather than email/text. maybe letting her know by SAYING/TELLING her it’s safe for her to come to you. you won’t judge her or think any less of her for what she has to say and that ya’ll can work through it together. see, my mom just thought i was stupid with my feelings and i guess sooo many years of that beaten into me….it’s fearful to express feelings (at least for me). just something to think about – maybe it’ll help/maybe it won’t. hope all works out for ya.

[April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

I am here to help, and happy to answer any questions you have. 😀

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