My Fiancee and his baby’s mother (kinda long story)

[relationshipa1]

Hi April, happy holidays everyone…

My boyfriend of 2 years gave me an engagement ring on Christmas day that i picked out and he (@ a later date) paid for . We had discussed marriage before and both of our families get along well. I know all of his friends and most of his family. So I kind of believed he wanted to marry me eventually.We do everything together and he leans on me for everything. I was pleasantly surprised to have the ring soo early! He is good to me and my son. He takes care of many of my bills and puts food on the table and clothes on our backs. But I am also self sufficient and dont NEED him to do it but hey why not? Well long story shorter:
three days after the “engagement” his childs mother calls me up at 3:30 am from HIS CELL PHONE telling me that they’re married and currently sleeping together ! We went back and forth over the phone all night while he slept, (at her house) until the morning. Well I knew where she lived so I went over there to see for myself if he was really there and sure enough he was! I caught him coming out of her house!
She came outside words were exchanged and physically attacked me! But I managed to defend myself and get the upper hand in the situation. He yelled at her and made her get out of his car and walk.. I guess he was giving her a ride to work?
Well she didnt have any rings on her finger so I guess the married part was a lie atleast…
But I do deep in my heart feel as though they were having sex, atleast that night, why would she call me if they werent? Why would she intentionally cause this drama by calling me? I thought theyre relationship was STRAINED to say the least according to him. And I had never seen her or had any problems with her until she called me up that night!

So later at the house, he admitted being there was wrong,that he should have left once he started getting tired, (Denied having sex of course) but that She does know we are in a serious relationship, and that her child really likes me…We (me,him, my child, his child and my parents) have spent holidays together and vacationed together as well…
He says she snuck and called me from his phone while he was sleeping just to ruin our realtionship/ engagement…because she obviuosly still wants to be with him. But he said he wants to go forward with me like nothing has happened..

NOW….my questions are:

1. Should I still believe he wants to be committed to me because he gave me a ring? In leiu of what has just happened (the fight)?

2.Should I still honor the engagement?

3. Should I feel bad for beating up the Babysmother (In self defense)?

4. Do you think this incident has permanently ruined our future relationship with him, his child and me?

This is deep and I am confused….plus I may be pregnant!

please advise!
Thanks in advance!

[April Masini]

You need to get some crucial information before you proceed.

First of all, you need your fiance to show you his divorce order that was issued by the court in the state in which he divorced. Marriage and divorce are legal arrangements that are granted by the state. It’s naive of you to think that just because his (alleged) ex-wife isn’t wearing a ring doesn’t mean she isn’t still married to him. So make sure he is actually divorced. Immediately.

Second of all, you need to report the assault to the police. Violence is serious, and just because you think you “got the upper hand” in the altercation doesn’t mean the incident did not happen. So, call the police today, and file a report.

Third, you need to find out why your fiance was sleeping at his (possibly) ex-wife’s house. Whether or not they had sex, the fact that he would sleep there without a prior arrangement with you, is extremely suspicious.

Those are three flashing yellow lights you need to deal with pronto. 😕

In answer to your questions, a ring is just jewelry. It doesn’t imply a legal arrangement, so just because he gave you a ring and talked about marriage doesn’t mean you’re in any kind of legally binding arrangement. This is just like the fact that just because his ex isn’t wearing a ring doesn’t mean that he’s not married to her, still. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and have feelings for you, but it does mean you may be the mistress and not the fiance if he’s still married to his ex (?) wife.

You should not honor the engagement until you find out if your boyfriend is currently married. If he is, then you’re in deep trouble. If he isn’t, then you’re in a serious bind. But wait until you find out the facts of his marriage first.

You should absolutely feel badly about beating up anyone. What you did was wrong. If you are attacked, get to a safe place and call the police. Never strike back unless it’s in self defense.

As for your future together, hitting your possible future step-child’s mother should damage your relationship with that child. From the child’s point of view, you will have done something unforgivable. Violence is never the answer. Once things get straightened out, you owe both the mother and the child a sincere apology for your part in the violence.

As for your being pregnant, that’s a separate issue. First and foremost, take care of the top three items on the list, after you have that information, let me know what advice I can provide for you. I know you want a big, happy family, but you have to get some perspective on your situation first, and getting the facts will help you to do that.

[dymdeva]

Whew! where to begin?

Okay, so my “fiancee” said they were never married, so no divorce decree.
I did file a police report immediately afterward, and
I still dont know why he was sleeping there that night…

As far as the assault is concerned, It WAS self defense…I was sitting down and she came over and HIT me…so I guess there’s no wrong with me hitting her back right? The child was NOT there to witness the fight. So why should i apologize to someone who instigated the situation and got what they deserved? Finally I feel as though my “fiancee” now feels bad for the Baby’s mother and is feeling sorry for her, although he says it was her fault for initiating and instigating and lying about the situation…

I think I want to just fall back and let their situation heal, and see what happens in a couple of months (while still being engaged to him), If he loved me that much to propose to me, then he’ll love me more for letting them sort out their issues…..

[katdawg]

why would you even want to be involved with someone like that? you saw with your own eyes he was with another woman…married or not. isn’t he supposed to be building a future with you? how can he be when you’re out there chasing him around trying to find out where he is or which bed he’s in? are you really that desperate? think smarter.

[April Masini]

I think it’s a good idea for you to lay low and see what happens before getting married. Clearly your fiance has strong feelings for his ex-girlfriend with whom he has a child. His sleeping over her house without clearing that with you is highly suspect, but if he’s going to do it again, you’ll probably figure that out.

There are definitely some flashing yellow lights here, so proceed with caution!

And if there is any more violence, you should consider getting a restraining order.

[dymdeva]

You guys are sooo right! since the confrontation, he has been very cold to me. I can tell he feels sorry for the Ex who got beat up, even though she started it. He says I acted immature like a 14 year old and was stalking her house all night looking for a confrontation. I feel I was encouraged and egged on tho go there after all SHE CALLED ME from HIS phone and told me he was there. I had to see for myself! He says the only victim is his son. But what about me I am a victim too! I was happily in an engagement only to find out that it was all not completely honest with me, then she assaulted me first….
Anyways, I have since taken off the ring and I am preparing myself to exit this situation. They need to salvage their relationship for their child and they can do that without me. If this is what the Baby’s mother wanted by calling me in the first place, then she’s got it! She will sabotage EVERY relationship he seeks to have…
As for Me, 2010, New Year, New Job, New Status, No Looking back! Let them drag out their obvisously imperfect relation that didnt work out BEFORE I came into the picture and probably wont work out after I’m gone…..

[katdawg]

OMG!! WOW! You sound soo strong and confident! You’re a fast study! Congratulations on taking control of your situation to protect yourself! I can hear the excitement in your words. I’m excited for you.

[April Masini]

New you in 2010 — I love it!

Put the spotlight on yourself, and get back out there and start dating again so that your now ex-boyfriend becomes a distant blip on the radar screen.

And if you do consider dating any single dads, I bet you’ll be a lot more interested in the guys’ relationship with his child’s mother because [i]that[/i] relationship, as you now know, can be so crucial to your own dating interests.

Good luck! 😀

[katdawg]

I totally agree about dating men that are already dads. I may be eliminating many potential loves but I have made a choice not to date em. You will always be the third wheel in that situation. He has a responsibility to his child and he will always, always, be involved (if he’s a good father) in his child’s life, as well as his child’s mother. His first priority and person to get his attention is his child. I, personally, wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. It is already bad enough the child has to go through life with parents living separately and then to add another woman/man who threatens the possibility of them getting back together is hurtful. To be with a man with kids takes a lot of confidence in themselves, compassion, and understanding for what the child is going through. I just wouldn’t want to be a part of causing more pain for the child. Been there, done that (twice), and choosing not to do it again.

[April Masini]

It’s great to know yourself and who you are and aren’t compatible with — it will save you from wasting years of your life dating the wrong men!

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