[BryterLayter]

First off I want to thank you for taking the time to review this and all the questions on this board. It is truly remarkable that you can keep up with all these messages, with such professional responses. Thank you in advance.

Anyway here’s my problem.

I have this friend, who has this girlfriend. I will call them Ed and Larissa respectively. Though I consider “Ed” my friend, he is extremely immature and really has quite a bit of an ego problem, always talking about people behind their back. When we first got friendly I didn’t realize he was like this, but its really becoming rather clear what kind of person he is. As bad as this sounds, if I lost his friendship it wouldn’t be the end of the world, although, in some ways I kind of feel bad for him because I truly feel it stems from his immaturity, and his upbringing.

Anyway, his girlfriend “Larissa” liked me before they started dating, but I didn’t really know her well, and didn’t really go for anything. Ed on the other hand pursued her rather aggressively. She had just gotten out of a long relationship, and she is admittedly a little insecure. Eventually she gave in to him and they started dating. She was Ed’s first girlfriend. Now the more I hang out with the both of them its becoming really clear to me how compatible her and I are. This has been going on since around they first started dating so about a year.

Recently, since the end of the summer, he has become somewhat abusive towards her. Pressures her for sex a lot, and extremely untactfully. For example, he randomly calls her and asks if she can come over to his place to fuck. That’s how he puts it at least, to me its really disgusting, to think that that’s all he seems to get out of the relationship. Anyway, she talks to me, online usually, and vents. I always try to comfort her, and tell her if she isn’t happy, and there should be little reason why she is, that she really should do something about it. I told her to talk to him about it, and she does but he just yells at her, and doesn’t understand how ridiculous he is being.

I recently broke up with a girl that I saw rather briefly; a friend of hers, mostly because it just wasn’t going to work out. Simply, we were incompatible, and because I often caught myself thinking about “Larissa” after we broke up, and I explained the situation to “Larissa” she confessed that she thought I was too good for her (the girl I briefly dated) anyway.

I try to hint at the fact that I really like her (Larissa) a lot. Personally, I don’t know if there truly is such thing as “the one” but she is definitely the closest I’ve ever met. But because she has a boyfriend, I’m weary to just flat out tell her, especially considering my friendship, albeit dwindling friendship, with her boyfriend. Ed often comments on how I talk to her more than he does. Usually I just tell him, that that’s really sad, and it is. It’s clear he’s jealous, but then again he is a very jealous person, mostly stemming from his obvious Napoleon Complex.

So here’s the paradox. He’s abusive and rude to her; uses her. She should break up with him. But she’s insecure, and says she’s worried that she won’t find someone else. I should flat out tell her how I feel. But I can’t. I’ve been hoping that she does the right thing and break up with him, but she hasn’t yet. If she knew I was interested, I’m pretty confident she might though. But once again, I really can’t tell her.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel it was needed to convey the gravity of the situation. I’ve never asked for help like this before, but she’s extremely important to me, and although we’re basically best friends, I’d really regret not being more.

Thank you for reading and for you help

Much thanks,
Drew

[April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words and compliments. 🙂

In response to your query — well, you haven’t really asked me a question. You’ve expressed your problem, and I understand your frustration, but I’m not sure that there is anything for you to do. In fact, you probably know that too, which is why you chose to vent rather than ask a direct question of me! 😉

The bottom line is that whatever you think of Ed, Larissa is his girlfriend by choice. She responds to his booty call requests and she continues to date him. It’s hard to understand what draws people together sometimes, but at the end of the day, if two people are in a relationship, willingly, then that’s their deal between each other. She may be embarrassed to tell you that she actually enjoys the booty calls, herself, and that she gets some pleasure out of the way he treats her, because she knows that you don’t approve.

It sounds like you’ve counseled Larissa, and given her advice, but you’re not objective because you like her yourself, and want her for yourself. And frankly, she probably likes you, too, at the very least as a friend, so her responses to you about her relationship with Ed are stilted.

If you really want to extricate yourself from being in the middle of their relationship, and position yourself as a possible suitor for Larissa if she breaks up with Ed one day, then this is the time to do that. It really sounds like you don’t respect Ed very much, so why be his friend? You can easily transition to acquaintance.

If you do this, Larissa may see you as someone who isn’t her boyfriend’s friend, and may end up respecting you more for your independence. She may even begin to model it herself, if what she truly wants is to be treated the way you treated yourself by not settling for a friend you don’t respect.

In addition, if you can get yourself out of the counseling business with Larissa, and become a possible suitor who’s intention is that you’re interested in dating her, she may not see the lines as so blurred as they are now.

I know that’s a lot of work on your part, and what you were probably hoping for was that Larissa would do the work first by leaving Ed and dating you.

It’s much easier in life to change your own behavior than to try and control or manipulate someone else’s. My advice is you change the path you’re on and see if it doesn’t bring you some happiness and romance.

Let me know what happens! Good luck. 😀

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