[jbgone239]

Hello everyone,

I have been official with my current girlfriend for about a month. But we hung out and “dated” over the summer starting at the end of June. I recently got into a fight with her becuase I told her that it bothered me and made me uncomfortable to see pictures of her and her ex in her room and to see a framed love poem he wrote her on her dresser and then a baseball signed by him with a heart. They broke up last december after 3 years together, and were still hooking up with each other until I started hanging out with her. Anyway, I told her that these things made me uncomfortable and I told her that it bothered me they were still up. She said that she doesn’t even look at them anymore and that it’s just laziness and that she doesn’t spend time in her room for anything but sleep or getting dressed, which is true. She lives with her parents and her room only has a bed and a closet, no tv or computer so I know she doesn’t spend much time up there. But it still bothered me. I don’t believe her completely. To add to this topic, while we dated over the summer I told her that I was looking for a serious relationship, I wasn’t asking her to be my girlfriend but I told her that I was done with random hook ups and meaningless flings. She said she didn’t want a serious relationshop at the time but she only wanted to hook up with me and that she wasn’t pursuing anything else with another guy. But she also said that if something were to happen she wouldn’t stop it. Anyway long story short, she hooked up with another guy at the end august. We had been “dating” since the end of june. I was angry and upset but I got past it because I told myself that she just dates differently than me. The reason I bring up that last point is because she just told me yesterday after I asked her to hangout that she couldn’t hangout with me thursday night becuase she had plans. She didn’t elaborate. So I asked her what she was doing. She said she was going to the mall. So I said joking around “break you plans and hangout with me.”
She said that she doesn’t break plans with people after she’s made them, that is true and I figured that she was going to the mall with her friend so I thought nothing of it. When i brought it up again she came clean. She said she was going to the mall with her ex because he wanted her to help him pick out some clothes. She said she didn’t want to upset me and that’s why she didn’t tell me. But she she said she was going to tell me just not at the moment i asked. I was mad that she didn’t just tell me the truth. She didn’t lie about anything but she hid what was really going on. She told me that he knows she’s dating someone else and she told me that she no longer has feelings for him. I want to believe her but it’s hard to because of the fact that she tried to hide it. Then I found out that she hooked up with her ex two weeks after we started hanging out at the end of june. She apologized and I believe her when she says that she wasn’t trying to hurt me. All I want to know is whether or not she still has feelings for her ex. I want to know if she actually wants to be in this relationship with me. The fact that she was trying to hide it from me, the fact that she hooked up with him during the time we started hanging out, the fact that she hooked up with some other guy one time at the end of the summer, the fact that she didn’t take down the mementos of her ex in her room- all these things make me doubt whether or not she wants to be with me. She told she does and that she no longer has feelings for him but I don’t know what to think. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated, I feel a bit confused right now.

[April Masini]

Your instincts are good ones — [i]and you’re not following them! [/i] Your girlfriend is giving you every sign in the book that she’s not that serious about you, but you keep trying to make her be someone she’s not. Clearly she could take the photo and framed love letter from her ex out of her bedroom, and she isn’t. Clearly, she could have cancelled a plan with her ex-boyfriend because it’s disrespectful to be with him when you want a monogamous relationship with her. And….CLEARLY she’s doing what’s good for her — not the relationship.

I think you have to accept that she’s still playing the field and isn’t interested in committing to you the way you want her to. If you can do that and decide if you still want to date her, knowing she’s dating other people — or decide that you want a monogamous relationship and she’s not going to give you that, then you’ll feel a lot less upset.

I hope that helps. Follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 😀

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