My hubby has no sexual desires he listens to his parents What do I do to get my husband back?

[Pretty]

Hello!
I met a guy he was after me 1 yr. I told him im separate from other indian homely girls i like to keep my title and i love my parents and woudnt give them up at any cost. He assured me he was different and that we will earn enough to build a new home big enough for all of us to stay together. I said yes to him and we got married. Before marriage we had huge fights for issues related to his parents. His parents would try to ruin everything i would ask him to fix it up we would have a fight. He fought with them too. We almost broke up but due to my parents efforts things got back to normal.
After marriage i found out he has Varicocele through an old medical prescription at the back of the almirah. During the four months i stayed with him he never showed any interest in being physical with me. I tried to lure him dress up nicely give him BJ’s nothing worked. We only did it 10 times in 4 months all my efforts that too it seemed he wasn’t into it.
There was a trust issue i had been facing. He never trusted me he would join my name with whosoever he liked. He neither kept any single amount of money at home for home needs. He would transfer all of it to his parents. I tried talking but it was of no use.
Amidst this all his parents were not picking up my parents calls so when we visited them my hubby tried to ask them why they have cut off communication with my parents since after our marriage. This turned into a fight and my inlaws turned us out using all kinds of abusive language for my family and me.
When we got back our fight started he started to force me to call them. I refused. He started abusing me my family just like his parents breaking things in front of me. He too told me to get out of the house i called my parents thrice to come n take me back. But in the end we would make things better amongst ourselves.
I got sick with TB and had to be taken back home since where we lived was a remote location (he is a civil engineer in a mines area )with no treatment facilities and which is why i couldn’t get any job.
He dint want me to come down but i was too scared and panicked after knowing i had TB and i cried and told him i need to stay back with my parents atleast a month till i get a lil better.
He took a 5 days leave to go down to the city with me. While packing bags i told him let us first go to your house then visit mine.
He refused to come with me to my parents i told him i would go to his parents house but atleast come down for 1 day he refused. His parents came down to the station so did mine. He overlooked my parents and went behind his parents leaving me inside the compartment. I located him behind his parents not looking at me straight not uttering a word. His parents asked me so now u tell me where will u go and he gave a mean smile. I tried to tell him still thinking he would solve my problem that my hubby is refusing to go to my parent’s house. He refused to listen and said i don’t want to listen anything. Talk to your husband.
I turned to him and asked him i will come with you but will u afterwards for one day come with me. He refused and his parents moved on along with him and his bag.
Not once he turned back.
We talked very few times over the phone he would always say he is too busy. I told him over phone that when he will come down we will visit a sexologist. He agreed. I aksed him to come down when a month was gone. He refused stating he is busy. He kept doing this to me till 2 and half months passed. I got impatient and asked him why u can’t get a leave he said his boss won’t give him any. I told him should i talk to his boss as i have met him few times and am aquainted to him. He said yes go ahead. I did and his boss said ofcourse he has leaves he can go to u anytime. I’ll talk to him. And then when i asked him your boss has approved come down he said i have leaves but not to be wasted on You. He even refused to accept he had any sexual problems.
He never visited me once while I was sick going through TB’s hard medications!
We started having fights over phone. Then i told my mother about our incomplete relation in bed.
My dad called up his dad to ask him to tell my hubby to come down as we all need to sit and talk. His dad insulted my father very badly. His dad had been saying he would call all his relatives and in front of everyone he will talk in a meeting. My dad agreed. Talking resolves everything be in front of his relatives or without. And my dad added that it’s a request that let us meet soon and till then tell your son to not call as these two have been just fighting and this will worsen situation where we stand.
Two months passed No contact from his dad or him i coudnt control myself and I tried calling my hubby many times he refused to answer my call. And texted me to listen to my dad and let’s not talk. I tried to make him understand it was only so we wouldnt fight and i tried and i tried crying begging texting him many times nothing worked.
His dad again called and tried to scare my dad saying he would say such things that my dad’s face will be covered in mud. My dad tried not to loose his patience and kept his calm and said we can do the same yet we want children to be happy. Tell us the meeting date we will be present with our family members.
Amidst all this he had been texting me that i should be behaving like a girl i should change my title and that i should live in his parents house forgetting about my parents the way all girls do in india. I tried to tell him that he had promised several times he said so what if i promised listen to what im telling you now. I told him let us do the meeting we will find a middle way. He texted me saying forget about the meeting if you wanna come to my parents house door is open if not it’s your wish.
When i texted him to make him understand on Facebook that too in his lunch hour. He just wrote he is too busy and we shouldn’t talk as he has lots of work. I agreed to him. Later that night his dad called my dad with him in conference stating to my dad that im disturbing him in his job hour. It’s not good manner. My dad said fine i would tell her not to disturb him from now on.During this time my dad said as u had said of meeting we will wait at this his dad refused to accept that he talked of meeting said my dad wanted meeting. And whn my dad insisted it is necessary now his dad said meeting will happen when time comes.
He was there too complaining alongside insulting my dad. When i took the phone he hung up saying im not interested to talk to u.He had complained with his dad by his side so im not replying to his texts 3 in total within last 2 months since call episode. We called 3-4 times but no answer nor we got any callbacks.
His parents have insulted us soo many times stating about the meeting. But now almost 7 months are gone yet they haven’t called any meeting nor has he come down once to talk to me. He would accasionally wish me on religious days and has recently written a mail asking very formally how i am and that i don’t talk to him so email is the only way.
He doesn’t trust me he will keep his money with his greedy parents who all the time kept telling us how much they have invested for his studies. he wont look for a job in a city where I too can work he wont go to a doctor and I have to live in his terms! He would never step into my parents house! My parents want the family meeting as they are in high doubts. Also they want to put forth the one thing that I should be allowed to do a job for which he has to leave his current job and look for another one.

What do i do??? Can you help me out April iv tried seeking help from his friends but in vain.
Please advise

[April Masini]

I think that you have to stop trying to change him and his parents and instead, start changing your own behavior. 😉 If you want things to be different, then don’t look to others. Look to yourself. You had big fights with him about your parents before the marriage, and now you have big fights about your parents in the marriage. Marriage doesn’t change those things, and maybe you expected it to, and are disappointed that it hasn’t. Your biggest task is to take a look at your expectations of this relationship and where it doesn’t meet reality, give yourself the opportunity to change. For instance, you can stop trying to get the two sets of parents together and to have peace between them, and instead accept that his parents don’t like your parents and if you want to stay married to him, then you’ll have to see your parents separately. It sounds like he hasn’t been interested in sex before or during the marriage, and if he isn’t interested in taking care of this issue for the sake of the marriage, the decision to leave it because of this falls on you.

I think this is probably going to be very disappointing to you, but the problem here is that you keep looking to him to make the changes and the solution lies in your making the changes yourself. 😉

[Pretty]

Thanks tons n tons for replying April. I knw u r right.
Only one thing is that before our marriage topic of fight was his parents like his parents told us to wait 2 years we waited they again wanted us to wait another year for no cause at all. Then his parents wanted keep a gap of 7 days between marriage and reception and they did so due to this a lot of my relatives wanted to but couldn’t attend the reception as they all stay far away from where we live and they attended only wedding. Since only a few ppl came at our reception my inlaws again created a row as to what kind of family I have. They just anyhow created rows. I bought a nice gift as door hanging for them and they called my dad the next day to complain its not in their culture to hang such things and that my parents haven’t taught me anything.
I gave them nice expensive clothes as gifts at this too they pointed out that ppl like to show off in front me n continuing to say bad words making me cry.
Before marriage our major area of fight was our delayed marriage cause of his parents. My parents stepped in and settled the matter talking to his parents even. After which my hubby even apologized to my parents for the sleepless nights I had suffered and which caused my dad to get blood sugar. He promised my dad he will always keep me happy and never fight but try to find ways to solve matters. Yet today he has broken all his promises promises to me n my dad.
After marriage they made me sit on my hubby’s feet and with both my hands folded and open kind of begging I asked him to provide me food and cloth and thereafter only I could eat my food.
There is no such ritual iv found out yet just to make me feel small they did it.
My inlaws have always tried their best to make my life hell and now they have succeeded.
My parents have tried so much to give and give gold and other things too yet and now my hubby writes to me that my parents haven’t given enough(dowry)
My hubby has become so bad today he just insults me my parents for no reason but stating u r a girl u have to know to be under us.
I agree with you I wont try to keep both parents and inlaws under one roof I agree with it. I will keep them near to me but yet not under one roof is the idea iv sorted cause I have to take care of them too they are getting old. But I want to be able to do a job and get him to go to a doctor.
After our marriage he would kiss me help me in kitchen bathe with me but still he has no desires to be sexual. He would make all kinds of excuses like office pressure he is too tired even on three days holidays when he used to be at home he was same. A doctor I consulted telling him elaborate details has told me it may worsen with Time. He needs to get treated. But how do I take him to a doctor.
He left me when i was sick and needed his presence beside me. He doesn’t trust me he needs to see a doctor he doesn’t keep any money at home we had to lend money twice from neighbours. His parents are greedy I have given them all my jewellery even. Yet they are not satisfied.
My parents see an unsatisfied and unhappy marriage ahead of me and are not anymore trusting him. I still love him and yes I do expect him to be nice at least and not hurt me. My parents still only want that I should do a job and get him to go to a doctor.
I do not like his parents they have always said bad bad things to me. They used to say I have no level. I’m a mere graduate cause I haven’t studied in IIT like my hubby. I have done post grads but from a normal college hence my qualification doesn’t count for them.
You know my inlaws eloped and married leaving their house. Thereafter my mother in law got a job. And my father in law coudnt and stayed at home raising my hubby. They never followed any rituals any boundaries. I thought I’m lucky to have such inlaws but I know they said yes just for their own history. My mother in law is a clerk. My inlaws and hubby are schedule casts. My Dad is DGM at a multi national company my caste is chatriya. But my parents n I don’t believe in castes hence they married me to him thinking boy I good. My hubby used to praise my dad. And now he uses all kinds of slangs for him.
My hubby had told me amidst all this many times writing my dad is so selfish he taught my brother and not me. My brother has studied from iit like him. I got soo hurt I told him I would only talk to him when I will prove I’m something.
I have studied business analytics while I had been sick and this was happening.
And I have an upcoming NET exams in going to appear in.
April can you not tell me a way to get back my old love my love. Please April I ready to change see iv educated myself even more and I’m ready but isn’t there a way to get him to understand me.
What should I do. Can u help April please!!!!

[April Masini]

I know that it’s difficult to understand that the responsibility to make changes here belongs to [b]you[/b]. 😉 Instead of complaining about your husband and his parents, decide what [b]YOU[/b] will do differently. You’ve married a man who doesn’t treat you very well, and sides with his parents over his wife. It’s very clear that this marriage isn’t ever going to be a happy or healthy one because your husband does not appear to be committed to you. I think that the best thing you can do is accept that the marriage has failed, and move on. 🙁

[Pretty]

All I want is to get him to a doctor. Rest all I’m ready to accept. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to add his title to my last name. Ready to not keep my parents with me. Ready to study more even.
But without him going to a doctor our marriage will break today or tomorrow I know as his parents will always step in between and he doesn’t trust me. Im ready to do everything. My doctor has said listening to the story there may be psychological problems in my hubby.
My parents believe he never loved me he married me as every guy has a wife. He claims he loves me but his behaviour and actions are opposite. April dear isn’t there any hope left for me.

[Pretty]

[quote=”Pretty”]All I want is to get him to a doctor. Rest all I’m ready to accept. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to add his title to my last name. Ready to not keep my parents with me. Ready to study more even.
But without him going to a doctor our marriage will break today or tomorrow I know as his parents will always step in between and he doesn’t trust me. Im ready to do everything. My doctor has said listening to the story there may be psychological problems in my hubby.
My parents believe he never loved me he married me as every guy has a wife. He claims he loves me but his behaviour and actions are opposite. I want to have a happy marriage and I want to get him to not pay heed to my inlaws.
Please April isn’t there a way tell me is there anything that can make him understanding. April dear isn’t there any hope left for me.[/quote]

[April Masini]

I get it. You want him to go to the doctor. I know. 😕 And I’m sorry for you that he won’t, but….

I’m asking [b]you[/b] to be the one who makes the changes, not him. And if you’re having trouble doing so, then ask yourself why you want to be with a man who doesn’t treat you well, and doesn’t treat your family well, and isn’t interested in a sexual relationship with you. 🙁 Read your posts from top to bottom again, and you’ll see that you’ve painted a picture of a man who doesn’t appear to care about you and marriage that has no future. I have to agree with your parents on this one…..

Look to yourself to make the changes, not to him. He’s not going to change. He’s made that very clear. I think you’re very afraid to admit that this marriage isn’t going to work, and I understand that. It’s very scary and shameful for many people to admit that they’ve made a big mistake. But it’s human to do so, and it’s time for you see the reality of this situation and take some steps to move on. You will be happier when you do.

[Pretty]

Thanks dear April
I understand I have to accept everything that he wont come down to me his parents will not keep any meeting even the fact he wont go to a doctor to keep being married to him. 😥
I’ll be happy for a while by doing so and being with him in the mines area not doing any job. But I may not be able to have the happiness every girl wants in her man love respect trust sharing decisions responsibility listening to each other not even the intimacy.
I have been told this by my parents and friends but to decide is very hard for me for I have loved him truly. I have decided to somehow persuade him to go to marriage counsellor.
Although I haven’t been able to get him to listen to me I still hope I can do so.
Is there a way by which I can force him to come and see marriage counsellor. Is there any legal provision by which I can make him do so.

Please tell me if there is.
Thanks April.

[April Masini]

There is not a way to legally compel your husband to go to a marriage counselor 😕 — and you shouldn’t want to legally compel him to go. 😯 You keep trying to change [b][i]him[/i][/b] and it isn’t working. I don’t mean to be hard on you, but I would love to give you a very strong cup of coffee so you would wake up and see that this isn’t going to work and if you stay in the marriage you will be very unhappy, as will your parents.

[Pretty]

Dear April.
Thanks n yes I’m not ready maybe to wake up. I’m not even ready to accept him the way he is and not expect anything from him. I’m just too broken. He was my first love iv never before loved anyone and I cant be with him yet I wanna be with him.
Ill try April to wake up.
Thanks 😥 😥 😥 😥

[April Masini]

I understand. 😉 Everybody has their own, personal line in the sand, and it seems like you haven’t found yours yet. I hope you find strength and happiness. If you have any questions you’d like me to answer, I’m always here for you! 😀

[Pretty]

Hi April!! After talking to u i thought of going to my husband and staying with him for 6 months and give us a try. For this my parents tried contacting my husband and my inlaws but either they disconnect our calls or not pick up only. Once after series of calling He told to my uncle he would only talk to me and no one else so I called him n told him in coming down with my family to his house which is in the area he works. Now since iv told him in coming he is on leaves and sitting at his parents house. Our lawyer has suggested if we go and talk at his parents house things will go worse as his parents never wanted us married in the first place. So talking to my hubby where he lives is best. Also cause in the company he works my distant relative uncle is topmost boss therefore my hubby will not want a bad repo in office and will have to talk nicely as where he works n lives is a very small place and a mines area hence talks travel fast. But its been 18days he is still on leave. What do i do. Now im again planning to go but dont know if he will be there. Im scared he may resign from company and move elsewhere. What should i do April??

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble…. but you haven’t been taking my advice, and you’re not listening to your husband, either. 🙁 You and your husband have enlisted your parents on each others’ sides, and now…. you’re consulting a lawyer!? 😯

Don’t visit you husband without telling him — especially since he’s complained about you interrupting his work in the past. Respect his need for space, and take advantage of that space for yourself, too, so you can cool down. And stop consulting a lawyer! It’s a very provocative move on your part and doesn’t show good will. You and your husband are being very stubborn and dug in…. this is just going to head towards a nasty divorce. Unless you’re willing to compromise and to graciously, start doing things that he wants, I don’t think the marriage stands a chance. 😳

[Pretty]

Hi april.. I understand dear. The time he complained about his being busy in work was false and i know 110% it was all fake. Im a human being too and have opinions and ideas a life he wants a robot for a wife without needs and feelings. And actually im the idiot who still wants him wants things right. I agree contacting a lawyer means heading towards divorce. It shud b the last option but he has been running away from me running n running. He got scared of my Tuberculosis left me and was not ready to accept me unless I got cured. He used abusive languages he is incapable. I’m ready to accept all now I have to accept being a robot. I know u r right I know u r that is the only way to save marriage. U r right but it hurts to give up everything even my parents as he wants it hurts. But ill do as u said I will go give it a try for a year or so. I will dear.

[April Masini]

[quote]The time he complained about his being busy in work was false and i know 110% it was all fake. [/quote]

If you bring your personal problems into his workplace, naturally, it’s going to disrupt his work. 😕 It’s important that you respect that boundary. This is one of those times when you’re putting your needs above his, and you shouldn’t. I’m not suggesting you be submissive, but it’s wrong for you to disrupt him at work, and then say that he isn’t busy at work, and your showing up at his work or calling him at work with problems isn’t wrong. It is. 🙁

[quote]Im a human being too and have opinions and ideas a life he wants a robot for a wife without needs and feelings. [/quote]

I don’t think you’re right here…. I don’t think he wants a robot, and I think you need to be much more empathetic towards him and his needs. The two of you have an incompatibility in what you want. He isn’t wrong and neither are you. The needs are just incompatible, and as long as you take this opposing stance, you’re never going to heal the relationship. Try to see his side of things and move towards the middle. Make compromises — if you want to stay in the marriage.

[quote]And actually im the idiot who still wants him wants things right. .[/quote]

Your idea of what is right could use a little analysis! 😉 Don’t see right and wrong. Instead, see differences in the relationship, and decide if you want to be in it — which I’m hearing you do — and if that’s true than work towards compromise, not fighting with him. Your continued opposition of him isn’t going to help the marriage. It will break it more than it already is broken.

[quote]I agree contacting a lawyer means heading towards divorce. It shud b the last option but he has been running away from me running n running. [/quote]

No “buts” allowed!! If he’s running away from you, look at the reasons why he’s running. Men don’t run from nothing — they run from something, and you need to decide if you want him back. If you do, then give him a reason to come back. You’ve only given him reasons to run, and then when he does, you become aggressive and show up at his office, hire an attorney, etc. Try to see what’s really happening here. You’re still very invested in your being right. It will be more beneficial if you can empathize with his wants and needs. If you want to get divorced, keep the attorney. If you want to stay married, fire the attorney and keep your parents out of the marriage. You and your husband need to decide whether or not to stay married, and if you do stay married, you both need to heal.

[quote]He got scared of my Tuberculosis left me and was not ready to accept me unless I got cured. [/quote]

Maybe he was frightened of catching it. Some people are. Try and empathize — not get angry so quickly! 😉

[quote]He used abusive languages he is incapable. [/quote]

I’m not excusing his bad language, but you’ve done some things that are really wrong, as well. This is where you can look at why he used what you’re calling “abusive” language…. If you want peace and happiness, you have to commit to understanding and bridging gaps.

[quote]I’m ready to accept all now I have to accept being a robot. [/quote]

I don’t believe you for a second. 🙄

[quote]I know u r right I know u r that is the only way to save marriage. [/quote]

I never said that you should be a robot to save your marriage. 😕 😯 🙄

[quote]I know u r right I know u r that is the only way to save marriage. [/quote]

Come on. You and I both know you don’t believe that. All I said was that you need to see and accept who you married, and if you want to stay in the marriage, you have to make compromises, and if he’s not willing to compromise, then you either have to do things his way or you should get divorced and move on. You’re not a victim, and to paint yourself as one is deceptive. You made a mistake in marrying this man, but you have choices, and you’re very resourceful. Now, use your energy for good! Either decide you’re going to make the marriage work, or decide that it was a mistake and move on.

[quote]U r right but it hurts to give up everything even my parents as he wants it hurts. [/quote]

Then don’t do it. You’re a grown woman and you get to make your own choices.

[quote]But ill do as u said I will go give it a try for a year or so[/quote]

My suggestion is that[b] if[/b] you want to make the marriage work, then try it — but that means really trying it. I don’t think you want to make this marriage work, and that’s fine. But you can’t stay in it and complain, given all you’ve both gone through. 🙁

I’m sorry that this is difficult for you. Truly.

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