My mother (drinking while babysitting)

[brobrevot]

My parents are drinkers, and have been for quite some time. Not to go into the whole details of everything, my basic (and unprofessional) assessment is that they are borderline alcoholics. They drink everyday to some extent (I’d say probably at least 3-4 drinks per day, to up to a lot more on frequent occasions). Dh and I rarely drink… like a glass of wine here or there and maybe 3 drinks on rare special occasions.

So here’s the problem. Last time my mom babysat ds (which was in July) I asked her upfront to please refrain from drinking while she was here babysitting. She responded weakly “I’ll try”… an annoying enough response, but yet she respected our wishes. My rationale is that we would expect the same from any babysitter we hired, so I expected the same from her. Fair enough?

Last night we went to Dh’s work Christmas party, and my parents babysat (at our house) and I thought we could give them the benefit of the doubt that they would realize that the same rules applied re: drinking. My mom came earlier, and then after we left my dad arrived. When my mom showed up we didn’t see any evidence of her bringing alcohol with her. But when we came home, there was a bottle of wine in her bag (don’t know how empty or full) and a beer cap in the garbage can.

So I’m really annoyed, that not only did they drink while they were here, it seems like they tried to hide it. I’m not sure what they drank wine out of, since there were no dirty wine glasses, and I’m thinking that maybe they washed them to make it look like they didn’t drink anything??? This only makes me further mad. That they clearly remembered what I asked them previously, and went out of their way to try to hide it? Dh is livid and is at the point of telling them they are no longer welcome to see ds at all (which I think is extreme). How do I handle this? Am I out of line? On one hand I appreciate the free babysitting, but I think I have a right to expect babysitters not to drink right??

[meowmix]

I don’t think you should ban them from seeing ds at all but rather not allow them to babysit anymore. Even though it was a financial benefit, Your childs safety is much more important.

[April Masini]

You’re definitely not out of line — but you need to be a little more true to your instincts. If you ask your mother not to drink when she’s babysitting and her response is, “I’ll try.” you should have said, “Not good enough. Thanks, but no thanks.” And then gotten a sober babysitter. If your gut feeling that she’s an alcoholic is true, then you have to understand that she’s going to drink even when it’s inappropriate, and she’s not going to put your baby first. She can’t. Alcoholism is a disease and the addiction comes first. Before grandchildren. Before children. Even before the drinker’s own health. So accept your mother for who she is, and don’t enable this problem by accepting, “I’ll try,” as a reason to pretend your mother is capable. Your baby is too important to be left in the hands of a drinker who may put your child in danger.

So, no more babysitting for grandma. Supervised visits, only. And let her know why. She’ll be angry, but in order to get healthy, alcoholics have to know where the boundaries of the healthy people around them are. Enablers don’t help alcoholics. So don’t be one!

Let me know how it goes, and trust those instincts of yours! 😉

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