My parents or the guy I love?

[relationshipa1]

Hi,

My name is Shaina, 25 years and I’m from India. I moved to Dubai two years ago and met Alex. I was attracted to him at once. He was just 18 then and I was 23 and I felt so disgusted with myself for having those feelings for a guy who was the same age as my brother. He got my number from my brother (they are at the same university) and asked me out but I said no. To my surprise, we became really good friends, despite the age. We grab dinner together and go to movies and talk all the time on the phone. But I made it clear to him that I liked him as a friend which wasn’t entirely the truth as I was half way in love with him. If anyone asks he says we are dating and my friends treat us as a couple too, even though I tell them we are not dating. A month ago Alex said he was in love with me and wanted a serious relationship.
I explained to him all the reasons we can’t be together but he isn’t willing to let it go. Last night he came over and we ended up making out, and he was the one who stopped before things got further saying that he didn’t want to do anything I would regret later and that he wanted to be with me and didn’t just want casual sex. Even though he is young, he is more mature than all the guys I know. He is sweet, funny and treats me so well.
After last night I know things have changed entirely between us and I’m scared of all this. I mean he is too young for me and on top of it all he is a christian. My parents would have a fit if they find out I’m in love with a non muslim. My family is very strict where religion is concerned. Even if Alex was muslim they wouldn’t be okay with me dating him because he is from Russia. My family is very traditional and they will not accept anyone other than an Indian. So the fact that he is from Russia, a christian, and 5 whole years younger than me would never be something they would be okay with. Ever.

This is very complicated and I really need advice on what to do. I love Alex so much but I don’t want to let my parents down and disappoint them. On the other hand, I don’t want to lose Alex. This is the first time I have been in love and I really want to be with him.

[April Masini]

It sounds like you’ve been dating “defensively” by letting things happen, rather having a plan and being clear about what you want in your life. It’s a lot easier to make decisions like the one in front of you, when you know what you want for yourself in terms of relationships and men. In other words, if you’re a 23 year old who wants marriage and children in the next few years, then you should date guys who are compatible with that goal. But if you’re not ready for settling down, and want to play the field, it might be okay for you to date all types of guys. If you know that you want to stick with family tradition, then you can be clear about the guys you date, as well. So before you ask questions about this guy or your parents, you have to ask questions of yourself. What do YOU want for yourself in life?

I hope that helps.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you for the reply. I noticed you said I’m 23. I met Alex when I was 23 and now I’m 25 and he is 20. I have always detested the Indian culture and tradition where girls are concerned and my family knows that. My sisters got married to complete strangers that my father chose for them and they were happy to leave that decision to him. I have always been considered as the rebel in the family, which I don’t understand because I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion. What I have with Alex is not a fling, I know I want to be with him and I care a great deal about him. May be I’m crazy for thinking this but I see a future with him. In the past when guys started to get serious I have always broken things off but with Alex it feels right. Too right, in fact. I’m not thinking about marriage and what not. Marriage and children are not for me I guess, may be in time I would want that, but I can’t see myself doing that in the next 5 years. All I know is Alex and I have a wonderful thing going on and I want to enjoy it. But I can’t do that when I’m feeling too guilty about the hurt and grief I will cause my parents when they find out about this. But if I tell them, they will ask me to choose and I don’t want that either.

[April Masini]

Thank you for correcting me on your ages!

I understand about the decision you face — and so do you!. The reality is that this is going to be uncomfortable no matter what you do. If you choose Alex over your parents, you will be uncomfortable. If you sneak around and lie to them about him, you will be uncomfortable. And if you choose your parents over him you will be uncomfortable. You’re living in a culture that you don’t completely agree with, but you don’t want to leave it completely, either. Trying to straddle fences is difficult, and that’s what you’re doing. The reality is that you can’t have everything you want in this scenario, and so you are going to have to choose one or the other. That decision is something you have to make. That’s why I asked you about the future. If you really see a future with him, and he does with you, the risk involved is less than if you’re just enjoying being in the moment with someone who may not be there for you down the line. It sounds like that kind of problem solving isn’t all that helpful because marriage isn’t on your radar screen — which is fine. It sounds like you want to break away from your culture and carve out your own lifestyle, but whenever that happens — with anyone — there is usually push back and discomfort. That’s normal.

I’m sorry I can’t make the decision for you. If you have any specific questions, you’re welcome to shoot them my way.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you so much! Talking to you have helped me clear my mind about this and really think about what I want. 🙂

[April Masini]

You’re very welcome.

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