[Vanilla Child]

I am not happy with the level of kink in my marriage and I have opted to go outside for a change. BEFORE you give advice that encompasses how awful I am to have an affair, my hubby and I have been through countless counseling and he himself has said if I want something he can’t off I should find a playmate as long as I don’t put it in his face!
So here IS my dilemma, I have been seeing this one guy exclusively for 7 years who really is a perfect match as a lover in many ways, but is sadly only perfect in other ways in discussion only. His lack of availability appears to be a true indifference to finding playtime, that factor has ended this affair several times (and yes I did go elsewhere when it ended) with promises from him that he realized he was not being committed and that things would change, but they never really did change for any more than a month or so at the very best. Even with my ENDLESS pleas for more time and to partake in activities that are a big turn on for me, nothing changed. From day one I told him I love and get totally turned on by PDA (public displays of Affection) and I have given him countless dates to join me in that activity, to date after 7 years it happened only once.
About a month ago while sitting alone AGAIN in an empty hotel room (I travel a lot and to date I have invited him to come to my hotel….hummm dunno maybe 40-50 times, he has joined me twice) and to be honest I got REALLY pissed off that I was being exclusive to a guy that did not seem to give a shit about finding time to entertain the entire purpose of having an affair, to have sex and to explore my freaking kinks!!! So I called in an old playmate for the evening who of course jumped all over that chance. I am a very honest women and so after seeing the old lover I did told the lover I had been with someone else. Yeah of course he got pissed off but he demanded from day one that with NO PENALTY I should always tell him of my actions whether he would like it or not. NO PENALTY MY ASS, he declared that we are done. Not only are we done, he takes any and every chance to tell me that I was not committed to the relationship and it’s exclusivity and my actions ended it all. I was freaking exclusive this entire time and that did JACK shit to change the outcome of him being available for PDA. He tells me “if you took the time to get to know me” oh my god I want to shoot myself, how much more time does he want!!! He is not my husband he is “supposed” to my lover and my escape!!
Was I nuts for even sticking it out this long? We became friends in a way and I hate to give that part up but come on now!!! In his defense he says he understand why I did what I did in one breath but then turns right back around to tell me I have no impulse control or commitment and that I RUINED everything by MY impatience!!!

Lemme hear it!!

[April Masini]

I won’t pass judgment on your taking a lover. In fact the problem you’re having with your lover is the same problem that couples have in monogamous relationships. Your expectations for the relationship did not meet the reality of it, and you wanted your lover to change in ways he was unwilling to. So you’re angry because you didn’t get what you wanted from him. It’s really that simple.

In any relationship — whether it’s a marriage, a monogamous dating couple, a pair of lovers outside of monogamy or dating the field — it’s important to know what you want in a relationship and find out if the object of your affection is able to satisfy those needs. The more aware you are of yourself and your partner, the more quickly you will be able to decide your mutual compatibility. The mistake most people make is trying to pretend someone will become a person they’re not, or that they’re willing to behave in ways that they don’t want to behave. That’s where you found your trouble.

In a way, you’re way more compatible with your husband, who knows what level of kinkiness he’s comfortable with and willing to employ in your marriage’s sex life, and he knows what level of kinkiness you’re needing. He’s also more compatible with you because the two of you have found a viable solution for your needs to be met, with his understanding. I know that some people will think that’s twisted, but, morality aside, you’ve problem solved with your husband in a creative way.

Now, your trick is to find lovers who are as compatible with you, as your husband is! 😆

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