My wife needs space

[relationshipa1]

I’m really hoping someone can help me with some advice. I’m in a unique situation and absolutely devastated right now. My wife and I have been married for less than a year (3+ years together total). A month after we got married, I had to leave town to begin attending graduate school in another city. We’re about 1,000 miles away from each other, and to this point, we’ve been able to make it work with phone calls, texts and visits when we can. She’s also in school and under a lot of stress. I went to see her for my spring break last week, and while there, we had a conversation about our relationship. I conveyed to her that I felt like she had been pulling back from me lately and I wanted to talk about it. We had a very civil conversation that seemed to alleviate the problem. I felt much better afterward about our situation and felt we had moved on.

The rest of the week with her went great. We enjoyed a little weekend getaway and had a great time. I flew back to school Monday and everything was fine. Yesterday, seemingly out of the blue, I got a Facebook message from her requesting space. We had planned on her spending her spring break up here with me next week, but she informed me that she would no longer be coming. She explained that, while she didn’t show it, she was upset about the conversation we had last week. She said she needed to take a break (not a separation) to focus on school and take some time for herself.

This is the first hiccup in our relationship. We’ve always had the perfect relationship. After she e-mailed me, I sent her a message back explaining that I completely support her decision for space and that I’ll be ready to talk whenever she is ready.

I usually have a great handle on how my wife is feeling, but this has left me clueless. I have spent the last two days doing some heavy self-reflection and I can already see myself making the changes that I need to make to be a better husband. The problem is, I want to respect her space and her need for time. I know that both of us need time to clear our heads and get past the emotional nature of this before we can have a constructive conversation to rectify the situation. But at the same time, I don’t want my fading into the background being misunderstood as me not being willing to fight for her or our relationship.

With that, here are my questions:
– How can I show her that I’m in the process of bettering myself if she doesn’t want to talk to me?
– How do I walk the fine line between giving her the space she needs and not being viewed as apathetic about the situation?
– How do I combat the very real nature of our physical distance, or is that actually an advantage in this situation?
– We got married for a reason, and we’ve always had a very loving relationship. Is it wrong to give myself hope by thinking eventually she’ll miss me and get in touch with me, perhaps even give us a second chance?

Thanks for whatever advice you’re able to give. I feel so lost right now.

[katdawg]

i am wondering how the two of you are able to devote your lives to one another when 98% of your lives are focused on your education. i don’t understand why you would get married when you still have grad school (that will take up a lot of your time – time you will not be able to devote to your relationship and to be a part of it) and she is still in school. people don’t usually get married until they’re ready to devote spending every day asking themselves what can i do today to make her/his life worth living? can’t really do that when you are concentrating on YOU (your school, your schedule, your homework, etc.). my personal opinion when you’re in school you’re still learning and you’re still growing as a person. more than likely you’re not going to be the same person as you were when you first entered into college. but then again – you both knew what you were getting into when you entered into marriage. more than likely she had doubts in the beginning but didn’t have the heart to call it off so went through with it anyway. she is probably realizing she has made a mistake, trying to make the best of it, but in all honesty she’s not as committed to the marriage as you are. perhaps you could use some space from one another to concentrate on your studies. you came this far and would be a total waste to not finish your education. only you can prioritize what means more to you. it has to be one or the other – but not both.

[Anonymous]

I understand your points. I was working in a dying industry and facing the possibility of being laid off when we were engaged. We were already engaged when we both made the decision that the best thing for us was for me to find more stability in my career. That’s when school came into play. We had a very long discussion about it, and it wasn’t a snap decision. We both agreed that we could make it through no matter what. Not only that, but I’m currently only about a month from graduating and being able to move back down with her. So the light is definitely showing at the end of that tunnel. Since I’ve been up here, we’ve been talking on the phone, texting, chatting on Facebook and even on Web cam. When she e-mailed me about needing space, she said that she’d like to focus on our issues when we both finish our semesters at the beginning of May. I’m fine with giving her the space and time she needs, and I’m using the time to really focus on bettering myself so that something like this doesn’t happen again.

I really think she’s just upset about some of the things I said and, with all the school stress she’s under, she just panicked and this is the result. I just hope I’m able to get a second chance and save our marriage.

[April Masini]

What you omitted is what the offending conversation was about. From your point of view, as you write, everything seems fine, but I think you’re leaving out her side of the story and that may be the very problem — you’re not empathizing or understanding what she’s going through. This is something to work on in yours (and any) marriage.

If you hadn’t said you have only one more month until you’re finished graduate school, I would have advised you to move back home with your wife to save your marriage, but since you’re just about done with this long distance gig, I’m recommending damage control instead.

Long distance relationships are very hard to sustain, and you’re right that your wife has her own stress with her own education and other issues that you may not even be aware of. Communication problems are very common in in town marriages, but the distance exacerbates these issues. So here’s what I suggest until you go home in a month.

While giving her space, send her flowers. Send her little gifts. Send little notes letting her know how much you love her and why. Remind her of the reasons you married her and what you still love about her. Don’t require responses to any of these, and don’t follow up these deliveries or packages sent with calls or e-mails. Just shower her with long distance love, while focusing on your work and finishing up. Court her in a way designed to win her over again, all the while doing your work on the communication issues you’ve been having.

I hope that helps and that with the end of your graduate school term, things get easier.

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