My wife will not quit escorting

[relationshipa1]

Good afternoon April,

I’m hoping for some much needed advice from youself and the readers of your website.

My wife and i are 28 and have been married four years. Three years ago we took on a larger mortgage but my wife then lost her job and we struggled for money. She couldn’t find work at all. My wife is stunning looking, with a gorgeous body, and her one of her friends suggested escorting as a means of making some money.

My wife proposed this to me, but stressed it would only be escorting clients to events etc, and i naively went along with it and she signed with an agency. Three bookings in she admitted she had slept with the client, but told me it was only a job and the escorting was just a stop gap until she found a permanent job.

As time went on i asked her repeatedly how the job search was going but i was told by her that the escorting had given her a chance to find the right job when it came along for her. 18 months after starting she had regular clients and it was clear to me she saw herself as a professional escort.

Anyway, that was the back story to it. Then in December last year she told me she was having breast augmentation surgery. Even though this seemed sudden, and despite the very large size she went up to, i supported her because she told me it was what she wanted.

It came to light in January that one of her clients, who is wealthy, paid for the procedure. The same client has also asked my wife to stop seeing her other clients and he will cover the money she would earn, and she has agreed (this was last week).

I’m very concerned about the chain of events. She clearly will not quit escorting at the moment, even though my job is now well paid. What does it now make her to this guy – his lover / mistress? Because it seems to me that she is now moving on from escorting and becoming something else.

[Anonymous]

She became his lover the moment she allowed him to pay for her big breast implants. She had them done because he wanted her to, and she knew having them done would mean he owned a part of her.

Reading your story, your wife probably did have the best intentions when she started escroting. But she quickly became addicted to the world she was in. Meeting such a rich, giving client was unseen by her but no doubt very welcomed all the same.

You need to be prepared to share her fully with this other guy. You are correct though, she is no longer an escort – more like a highly paid lover to him.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but you are long forgotten by her. She seems to be completely wrapped up in her boob job paying guy. She has began a relationship with him, one by which he is paying her to look her best for him.

Soory, but you are out of the picture 🙁 x

[Anonymous]

God, you must feel awful. I can only imagine what’s going through your mind.

Sadly, and it is very sad, your wife has told you (and this what she means) that she has quit the escorting game and is now in a relationship of whatever sort with this man.

How old is he? Do you know anything about him? Where does he take her when they are together? How often do they see each other?

Because she has escorted for such a long time this situation may seem normal to her, because she is used to sharing you with other men/women.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your wife has been so selfish it’s scary. When the question of escorting first was put to her by her ‘friend’ (some friend they were), your wife was very very naive to believe that it would be a short term answer to your money worries.
There are always stories of women dipping their toes into the world of escorting / high paid prostitution (call it what you want) and then quickly becoming immersed by the money, sex and thrill. I would guess this happened to your wife.

I would also guess that she quickly saw her body as her meal ticket, that she was earning fab money for how she looked. The breast implant situation, in my opinion, tells several things – firstly, she thought so little about you that she didnt consult your opinion on it at all. Secondly, she went bigger than you thought she would because she wanted to upgrade a big part of her body that earns her money. And finally there is a very very good chance she not only got them done for her client, but also they decided upon the size together.

You have some tough decisions to make. Like it or not she has evolved from escorting to being solely with that man. You either accept the situation or divorce her.

Have you spoken to her about how you are feeling since being told what he is offering her?

Good luck with everything

[April Masini]

There are some things that are more important than money — as you now probably know. 😳 Instead of downsizing, which would have solved your problems at the time, the bigger mortgage and the loss of your wife’s original job leading to her escort-driven career, has led your marriage to what is now certain failure. 🙁 In a nutshell, this one “client” of hers is giving her what you can’t — the income that you’ve together decided was so important, and she won’t quit him. Or you — so far. Clearly, she’s following the money trail, and when women have sex with a man, they get emotionally invested, so it’s really a matter of time before she leaves you — or he dumps her and she goes back to escorting multiple clients to replace him — not you — him.

Rather than look for definitions for what she’s doing, accept the fact that you’re being replaced. It’s time for you to let go. This is no longer a marriage by traditional terms. File for divorce and move on.

And live in a small house — with a tiny mortgage that you can cover. Morality tales like yours leave happy endings only when someone changes their outlook and their ways. I hope you can.

Sorry to be so blunt, but me sugar coating the truth will not help you or your situation.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 🙂

[TooCute]

Wow. What a story. On the one hand I feel terrible for you because it must really hurt, but other hand I can’t understand why you’re so upset when you obviously were okay with her being an escort and sleeping with multiple men? Is it the fact that she’s willing to be exclusive with this guy that upsets you?

[ThinkingRight]

This is the real life version of Indecent Proposal, the film with Demi Moore and Robert Redford.

You opened the door to your wife being an escort (aka high priced hooker) because you both wanted the money and you were both willing to sacrifice monogamy in your marriage for the money. Now you are stuck dealing with the fall out. It’s very sad. 😥

[Anonymous]

I won’t mention the multitude of mistakes you’ve made, because others have already pointed them out, and they should be otherwise obvious to you.

In your post, you don’t mention how your relationship with your wife is. Assuming it’s bad, then it’s time to file for a divorce and get on with your life.

If, in the rare event that your relationship with her is still relatively good (meaning: you talk regularly, do things together, have sex, et cetera), then I think the situation needs some more consideration than simply saying that you should leave her and get on with your life, however, that might be what you end up doing anyway.

First off, you shouldn’t be asking what she is to her wealthy client, because it’s not his feelings that really matter here. It’s hers, meaning, you need to find out what he is to her–does she care for him, does she even like him, or does she simply see him as a paycheck? She may even be seeing this as some sort of a way to “cut back” on escorting, because she’ll be having sex with less men but still making the same amount of money. There’s really no way to find out what he is to her without having a serious talk with her, which is something you should have had FAR before this point.

Next, you need to find out what YOU are to her. The reasons for this one should be obvious.

You should also find out what her reasons for continuing to be an escort are. Is it just the money (you say you make a decent living now, but I’m sure the “extra income” is still quite significant), or the thrill, some combination, or what?

Finally, you need to figure out what you can live with, and also what she can live with. Are you OK with her continuing to be an escort (from your post, it doesn’t seem if you’ve had much of an issue until she became “exclusive” with this client)? If so, for how long and under what conditions? Is she willing to stop at any point or for any reasons? And so on. It’s possible you two, depending on the situation, could work out some sort of compromise you could BOTH live with, such as her continuing to be an escort under certain conditions (assuming that’s acceptable to you), or her finding another job in a “similar” line of work (such as becoming a stripper, but one that’s NOT actually having sex with any of the clients). In the event you can’t find a compromise that works for both of you, get a divorce and get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Thank you to everyone who have spent the time replying to me.

I appreciate all of the repsonses.

When my wife first began escorting it was horrible knowing she was with other men etc, but over time it became the norm for us (im not saying i become accustomed to it, it became apparent to me that she saw it as her job). It was when she got the breast implants that the alarm bells began ringing, because it was something that she would have never had got done, and in my head i realised she was becoming a different person and was deep into the escorting world.

Clearly going along with her want to be an escort, and not being forceful enough, has led to our current situation.

I spoke to her last night about her ‘exclusive’ client arrangement. She told me she no longer saw herself as an escort, and he was no longer a client to her, because he is not paying her by the hour anymore, just a regular payment to her. I asked about the type of relationship she has with him, what he means to her, and she has told me that the sex they have is amazing and has got better and better over time and she loves the life he gives her when she is with him. I didnt know this until last night, but she has a bedroom of expensive clothes and jewelery at one of his houses. She is with him all this weekend.

As heartbreaking as it is, it appears i am being replaced.

[April Masini]

You’ve come to the correct conclusion, and now you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get divorced. The marriage is over — but your life is not. I hope you will take care of business and learn what you can from this relationship so that in the next one, you’ll find happiness and health with one woman — who finds the same in you. 🙂

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say thankyou April for your advice and guidance. You were brutally honest but it is what i needed.

I sat down with her and asked her to be truthful with me about whether or not our marriage was a priority for her and she told me it wasn’t anymore and if we were to stay together i would need to accept she would be spending a lot of time with her lover.

So i explained to her that a divorce was best for both parties, so i could try and move on with my life and she could be with him, and she agreed. She moved out on Sunday (and has gone on holiday with him immediately which shows her midset) and over the next few weeks the process of the paperwork will begin.

Thanks April.

[April Masini]

Cut your losses. Get divorced and move on.

But I have to tell you that I almost fell out of my chair when you said that it wasn’t the fact that she was a paid escort that rang alarm bells, but instead, the fact that she got a breast augmentation that set you worrying. 😯 😯 😯 😯 I don’t know the exact number, but breast augmentation is very common among women. So is breast reduction. So is liposuction. If you have a future wife or girlfriend, you might want to adjust your “glasses” and understand that her becoming a paid escort is probably going to be a problem and plastic surgery has become the norm, not the red flag.

Good luck, and stay in touch. I’m here — as is this entire Ask April community — if you need any advice. 😀

[Anonymous]

Hi April,

I find conveying my feelings in writing over the internet hard, and re-reading my posts to you i realise that it came across that it was only the boob job which raised the alarm bells in me!!

Anyway, the reason i am contacting you is to get some much needed advice and thoughts on how i move on from my wife?

I’m finding it very very difficult. During her time away with him on holiday after she moved out i couldnt sleep properly because of thinking about her with him.

Last week she came to the house to collect the rest of her belongings, looking very relaxed and comfortable and driving a brand new expensive car which he had bought her and wearing clothes which must have cost a fortune. During her time at the house she presented to me the details of the divorce from her lawyers, which will mean a quick divorce. She just seemed another person nowadays, like she had finally embraced the woman she had wanted to be for months, and i was upset for a long time after she left.

i’m finding it all very difficult.

[April Masini]

I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult, but divorce is the culmination of a failed marriage. It’s supposed to be uncomfortable and sad. The best thing you can do is to start making plans for the next part of your life and to execute them. Maybe that means selling your house and moving somewhere else. Taking up new hobbies. Staying busy with friends. You have to take care of yourself and decide what you want next in your life and go for it!

[Author]

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