need advice ASAP!!

[faith77]

Hi April,
A couple of weeks ago my ex boyfriend was on military leave from the Navy, and we ended up hanging out a couple of times. My ex boyfriend is quite the comic, and always makes me laugh. We pretty much can talk about anything to each other. The first night we went to the movies and had a drink, but nothing happened. At that point, I really didn’t want anything to happen. Especially after he had told me that he was basically a player and that he pretty much used girls to get what he wanted. He had said that he didn’t stay in a relationship too long because he gets bored. Now that to any woman is definitely a turn off. I was a little taken back by it, shocked actually, and I wondered why he was telling me this bit of information that I didn’t know anything about. So when he dropped me off at my house, I kind of ran out of his truck and never looked back.
The next night he texts me (being the comic that he Is), that ‘at cold nights like these we should keep each other warm.’ Any other time I would think that it was him being funny, but I didn’t even text him back. I guess I was still turned off. I waited until a few nights later, and after thinking about it, I thought that we could probably go out again.
That night we went out to eat and then went Christmas shopping. The whole time that we were out, I really enjoyed his company. The conversation was so easy, and I never laughed so hard as I did that night. After returning back to town we had coffee, and talked some more, and at that point, I knew I didn’t want that night to end. We drove around for awhile, and then he decided that instead of him going home (which was at his parents house) that he was going to get a hotel room. I was fine with that, as at that moment I just thought I would hang out some more and just talk like we had been doing all night. After he got the hotel room we talked for a few more hours, and then the inevitable happened. I gave him the invite to lay down with me and keep me warm. It wasn’t long after that, we started kissing. In between kissing we would just look at each other and hold each other and talk, like we had always been meant for each other. Of course, I told him that he better not be playing me and he reassured me that he would never do that to me because we had history, and he would never hurt me. He was real genuine in everything that he said, and I started to believe him. We never had sex that night, but I did start to feel something that night.

The next day I thought maybe he would call, after all he was leaving early the next morning. But he never called or texted me, so naturally I start to feel like that maybe I’m getting played. It wasn’t until a few days later that I sent him a text message stating that it hurt to know that I fell for his games, and that I got played. He sent me a message that he did no such thing, that he meant every word, and how he hopes that I can forgive him. He said he had no idea that we were supposed to see each other and how he had to spend it with his parents and that he had to get up early for his flight. I told him that he should of texted me at the very least. The next night he calls me in a drunken stupor, and is practically begging me to forgive him for hurting me. I tell him that I would rather talk to him when he’s sober and that I sent him a message via facebook. In the message I tell him that what happened between us probably shouldn’t have happened, and that because of that night I grew emotionally attached. I was real honest and told him that I didn’t like feeling that way because he was getting deployed, and there was nothing that I could do about my feelings for him. I think that if that night had never happened I wouldn’t be in this predicament. After that message we were suppose to talk on Sunday but that never happened, due to bad timing. So when Monday came around and I didn’t hear from him, I called him but to no avail. I tried again on Tuesday, and then Wednesday and I finally got through to him Thursday, and after getting through to him on facebook he sent me a message that he was on the ship and that he gets no service on his phone. So I send him a message just saying that I was sorry about the calls and texts but it would have been nice to hear from him via facebook. After all he did have time to update his profile. Yesterday I find out that he was back on land, so I try to get a hold of him but he never called me back. I try to text him later on that night, but he still wouldn’t get a hold of me. So now its Saturday and I still can’t get through to him. I’ve called and left messages and I’ve texted him and even sent him another message through facebook. No answer. I know most people would say to just give up, that he was definitely playing me, but it doesn’t add up at all. For some reason I feel very strongly about this and I won’t give up until I get an answer. He was so genuine in everything that he said, and the late night call to try to convince me. That right there is very confusing. Why would he go out of his way to call me and ask me for his forgiveness. It was the way that we held each other that one night. Actions speak louder than words, right?! Why am I having such a difficult time letting this go? All I want is to talk to him, to find out what’s going on. I guess I want closure. Even if its him telling me to go shove it. Did he play me or am I just overreacting? Why hasn’t he called me? Did I scare him away When I said I got emotionally attached? I’m confused about the situation, so any input would be great! Thank you for your time.

[April Masini]

You’re not going to like what I have to say, so put your seatbelt on! 😆

This guy has been nothing but straight with you, and [i]your[/i] behavior is the one that’s irrational.

From day one this guy told you he’s a player, and you ignored him. He’s continually not texted you and not contacted you, and yet in stalker fashion you write, “…I won’t give up until I get an answer…” Are you crazy?? 😯

If a guy doesn’t call and doesn’t text and doesn’t e-mail, then he’s not interested. It’s really that simple. This guy has been so clear and up front with you that he’s a player and doesn’t stay in relationships because he gets bored, and yet you act like he’s supposed to be someone other than he’s represented himself to be. Why don’t you believe him? He’s backing up his words with his behavior. 🙁

I know that you want closure, but he doesn’t. You can’t get something from a person that they aren’t willing to give you, and to continue to chase him for closure is not healthy.

It’s time for you to let go of any fantasy you have of this guy being anything other than what he’s told you he is, a player. I bet you’re smart and pretty and interesting and totally capable of having lots of dates with lots of men who aren’t players — and next time you go on a date, when the guy says he’s a player, pay attention! He has no reason to lie to you about that.

[katdawg]

I absolutely agree! OP is sounding really needy and stubborn to me. He is a player and yes, you have been played. Don’t be in denial about it and just face that it happened. You don’t have to have closure, just don’t fall for it again and when you don’t answer when he calls – that is closure. How great would it be for you to be the special one who got him to stop being a player, but it wasn’t you otherwise he’d be with you and you wouldn’t have to be chasing him. Not particularly a healthy and real relationship when everything is done by texts, emails, and facebooking is it? It IS a fantasy world you’re living in.

[April Masini]

As they say, don’t hate the player, hate the game….or better yet, WIN the game!! 😀 Know a player when you see one, and take him for what he is. That’s the best way to win in dating. 😉

[katdawg]

one HUGE manual that every girl should get is your book. i’ve read it twice, often refer back to it, quote out of it to help my twenty-something year old friends, and recommend it to all girls i know having difficulties with dating. it has helped me win the dating game.

[faith77]

Dear April,
It was the next day after I had posted this that Alex finally got back to me. To say the least I was furious with him for waiting so long to get back to me. Although his excuses are viable they still leave me angered and confused. When he got back to Florida he was stationed on the ship where there is no cell service, so he never received any of my texts or phone calls. I do have to admit that he did have facebook, and that left me wondering why he didn’t get ahold of me through that. He stated that he was extremely busy getting ready for his deployment to Afghanistan. He never did say why he didn’t get back to me when he had a day off on Friday though. I brought it up in a message that I had sent him, but he never truly answered the question. Since his deployment I talk to him on a daily basis, sometimes 2-3 times a day. He was very genuine in saying that he would like to see me after his deployment ends in August, regardless of my situation at the time. He stated that from the very first night that we hung out it was odd and that it felt like we didn’t miss a beat. He ‘just didn’t want this to happen’, meaning he didn’t want to get attached. After having an amazing night with someone that you haven’t seen in a real long time its only human nature to adapt some kind of feelings. I honestly didn’t have expectations and I don’t plan on putting anything on hold for him but it seems the more I chat with him the more I find myself falling for him. A part of me wants to run away without looking back, so I don’t end up getting hurt and then there’s a part of me that wants to stay friends and continue to chat. How do I get rid of these feelings that I have?

[faith77]

Dear April,
It was the next day after I had posted this that Alex finally got back to me. To say the least I was furious with him for waiting so long to get back to me. Although his excuses are viable they still leave me angered and confused. When he got back to Florida he was stationed on the ship where there is no cell service, so he never received any of my texts or phone calls. I do have to admit that he did have facebook, and that left me wondering why he didn’t get ahold of me through that. He stated that he was extremely busy getting ready for his deployment to Afghanistan. He never did say why he didn’t get back to me when he had a day off on Friday though. I brought it up in a message that I had sent him, but he never truly answered the question. Since his deployment I talk to him on a daily basis, sometimes 2-3 times a day. He was very genuine in saying that he would like to see me after his deployment ends in August, regardless of my situation at the time. He stated that from the very first night that we hung out it was odd and that it felt like we didn’t miss a beat. He ‘just didn’t want this to happen’, meaning he didn’t want to get attached. After having an amazing night with someone that you haven’t seen in a real long time its only human nature to adapt some kind of feelings. I honestly didn’t have expectations and I don’t plan on putting anything on hold for him but it seems the more I chat with him the more I find myself falling for him. A part of me wants to run away without looking back, so I don’t end up getting hurt and then there’s a part of me that wants to stay friends and continue to chat. How do I get rid of these feelings that I have?

[katdawg]

you can’t. :O( but you can look at it as a positive thing rather than negative. how great is it to be alive to even have these feelings and emotions; it just means we’re human. i still have deep feelings for a man but he’s an alcoholic and any dreams i have about being with him, getting married or having children is all a fantasy. it all seems great and i put him on such a high pedestal before i lost sight of reality. being an alcoholic he is very unpredictable and hot n cold. i don’t want a man like to be the father of my children but he’s a great friend still and we still talk. i can’t change anyone to be someone else; he has to find that within himself. i hope he does for his own sake. it’s already too late for us. there is nothing wrong with being friends with him, having feelings for him, or even being with him so long as you understand he is who he is and as long as you accept that….GREAT! One thing is for certain: it is very hard being a girlfriend/spouse to someone in the military. you have to be really confident, self sufficient, trusting, caring, and understanding just to name a few. i was married to one for nine years and we’re now divorced; i wasn’t that type of woman before. best of luck to you. bask in your feelings and enjoy them,,,,they are great to feel. just don’t allow yourself to get hurt.

[April Masini]

Feelings are important, but if we all did what our feelings dictated there would be chaos. There are higher standards we hold ourselves up to in order to modify our feelings. Some of those standards are morals. Others are laws. Personally, we all have our own individual codes that we all make up as we go, and modify whenever our feelings get too strong. For instance, if, like Katdawg, you feel love for a man who’s an alcoholic, but he hurts your feelings with his mood swings and self destructive behavior over and over, eventually, not wanting to have your feelings hurt is the feeling that trumps your love for the man. You can still have love for the alcoholic man, but you care more about getting hurt than you do about loving a man who will hurt you, so you back off and protect yourself, honoring your stronger feelings above all others.

Knowing yourself and what your strongest feelings are and being able to sort out your stronger feelings from your lesser feelings is part of what maturity is. While you like the way you feel with this guy, Alex, when he hurts you by not making you a priority in his life, and he practices this hurtful behavior enough, eventually, you will realize that not being hurt is more important to you than the good feelings you get when he’s nice to you, and you’ll back off enough to protect yourself.

Recognize and accept Alex for who he is. He is definitely a player, and he knows himself enough to be honest with you about that. That said, when he tells you today that he wants to see you and explore a relationship with you in August, he probably means it — in that moment. Your job is to understand yourself, and know that you like the way you feel when he tells you there’s a possibility of a future together, but to also understand that this guy has played you already, has admitted he’s a player, and will probably play you again. Balance your feelings of instant gratification for feeling wanted by Alex, with the strong possibility of future hurt by the same guy if you invest your heart in him.

If you can learn how to balance your feelings with your intelligence and wisdom, you’ll be able to protect yourself in love and only give your heart to a man who will adore it and take good care of it. 🙂

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