Need advice regarding my ex and my wife

[relationshipa1]

Hello,

I’m having some relationship issues that are stemming from my previous
marriage and could really use some advice. The first is that my ex still
uses my last name. We have a 6 year old son together so it never really
bothered me (I actually didn’t even really think about it) but my wife
has a problem with it. She thinks its “crazy, disrespectful” and that it
makes her feel like she is always second. My wife said that everyone she
talks to also thinks it’s crazy that my ex still has my last name. I
personally don’t see it that way, but I will ask my ex to change it. Is
this reasonable?

The next is my ex still has a relationship with my family, and my wife
has a problem with that. She feels it is inappropriate and
disrespectful. The most recent issue is my ex is taking my Son to visit
his grandparents(my parents) for Thanksgiving and my wife thinks it’s
completely inappropriate and just wrong. Once again, I don’t see it that
way. I think it is a little strange, but my parents don’t get to see
their grandson a ton so they definitely aren’t going to turn down the
offer. They live about 6 hours away from my ex and my son. I know my
parents don’t mean to be disrespectful, and just because we got
divorced, it doesn’t mean they are going to stop talking to my ex,
especially since there is a grandson involved. I could use some help
here.. I want to make my wife happy, but I want to be able to stand up
for myself and what is right.

Thank You

[April Masini]

You have good questions. 😉

But the problem here isn’t your ex-wife and her name or her relationship with your family. 😕 The problem is your wife’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity. 😳 My guess is that your ex-wife is just the object of those feelings, and that in the past and/or in the future, other people or situations will be, as well — if you don’t deal with this problem, thoroughly, now. So, let’s deal with the issue at hand. 😉

Your ex-wife’s decision to change her name is not something you can force. It’s her decision. In fact, for that reason alone, my advice is not to bring it up at all. You can explain to your wife that lots of women keep the name of their former husband because the marriage was important to them, even if it’s over, or because they have children with their ex and want to have the same last name as their kids. In addition, many women have careers using their former husband’s name and changing their name would hurt their career continuity. Bringing this up with your ex is going to add fuel to the fire and create drama where there shouldn’t be any — which I think is what your current wife is trying to do. She’s using the name as an excuse to create drama with you and your ex. So let’s look at the real problem. Your current wife married you knowing that your ex-wife had your name, so why, now, is it a problem for her? Chances are, there’s something else going on below the surface.

Being a second wife is very different from being a first wife, and your current wife may not have realized that. Your ex-wife and the child that you had with her are not going to disappear. They will always, to some extent, be in your life. If she is having trouble with that, then it’s important to get that out now. My guess is that she didn’t take into account what it was going to be like to be a second wife. And that whether your ex kept your last name or not, she is always going to be in your life in some way, because of your child together. Frankly, I think it’s a great example for your child to have his mother get along with your parents because they are his grandparents. When your wife’s feelings are put ahead of a 6 year old child’s feelings — especially in this way that you described — there’s something wrong.

My advice is to try and diffuse her anger and talk less about your ex-wife and more about the two of you. If she feels more secure with herself and with the relationship she has with you, she won’t lash out at your ex-wife. If she’d feel better being at any family event your ex-wife and child are at, then maybe that would help things between the two of you. In other words, if you visit your parents with your wife whenever your ex-wife takes your child there, she may feel more included than excluded. Focus on including your wife, rather than excluding your ex-wife (or anyone else).

Blended families can be complicated, and it’s good to get these problems out in the open, but you have to put your 6 year old first in these instances, and his mom having a good relationship with your parents, you, and your wife, is something to strive for. Your ex-wife’s last name is a very small thing in the big picture — in fact your current wife can take your last name or keep her own last name — and still be the one who is married to you. 😉

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go.

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