[relationshipa1]

Dear April,
I have been in a relationship with another man for about 9 months. Previous to this I had been with another man for 18 years (my new partner has a similar background). My partners ex boyfriend was very upset when we got together and started some very hurtful rumors about me which made their way thru our neighborhood and even to my office. His ex has stolen , cheated, lied, broken things at the home we share when we have not been there (outside the home things were broken). He has called claiming to be dying of medical problems (and is not); has claimed to have been beaten and needing help (and has not); and almost like clockwork calls once a month with a fictitious drama which causes great turmoil in our household. My new partner and his ex have two grown children (in their mid twenties). My partner knows how difficult his ex has made my life (especially dealing with the rumors he told my staff). He has also called my partner and told him sexually explicit things and what he would do with him if they were ever to get together again (and he has sent him photos of the men he seeing). My partner knows I was tolerant of the behavior initially because I simply thought it was just a temporary “normal” ex being jealous kind of thing. However, enough was a enough and I asked him why he continued to communicate with him if he behaved this way? He said he had always acted this way, that he wanted to remain friends because he had known him for so long and because they have kids he needs to keep in contact in case of an emergency.
April, I have a five year old daughter whom I share custody with my ex (due to the problems with my current partner’s ex I do not have her in this house that often). My ex and I do communicate but it is 99% of the time simply things about her schooling etc. Even then we do have the kind of relationship of communication my current has with his ex. If my ex ever treated my current the way I have been treated I never would have tolerated it regardless of having a child. I would have made arrangements so that she would not be effected and I would have told my ex that I would not allow him to do that to the person I was with.
My gut instinct is that my current partner (who calls his ex and does things for him still) is simply not ready to let go of him yet and that I should just leave until when/if they work those issues out. What do you think?

[April Masini]

Relationships work and don’t work for lots of different reasons, but one of my pieces of advice is to find someone with “matching luggage” since we all bring baggage to the table. Your new partner has some baggage from a prior relationship that is just too much for you to have a peaceful and loving relationship with him.

If you want to continue with your partner, you have to agree on boundaries with his ex. Because he has children with his ex, it[i] would [/i]be understandable that he wants to keep in touch — HOWEVER….his children are adults. He no longer needs to keep in contact with his ex about the children. So that is not an excuse at this time for keeping in touch. When children become adults, the only time there really needs to be contact with the ex is at the children’s weddings, grandchildren events and yes, if there is an emergency. But now, there is no emergency. So it’s time to agree on reasonable boundaries.

Since your partner’s ex is making your life miserable, and your partner doesn’t share custody of minor children with the ex, it would seem to me that he should reasonably want to support you and be loyal to you when it came to his ex’s bad behavior. If he doesn’t want to support you in this way, then it just may be that the two of you are not compatible enough to make a long term relationship work.

When you get involved with someone who’s been married or in a long term relationship with someone else before, and/or you or your new partner have children with other people from those past relationships, the exes have to be considered “extended family” when you get together. And we all know that extended family can make or break relationships and boundaries are the only tool you both have to limit their contact in the life you forge together.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say hello all. This is my first post.

I expect to learn alot here.

[April Masini]

Welcome!

And since you’re new, please note that all hello and welcome info goes in the Welcome Forum, and any questions you may have or that you read and want to chime in on, go in the Q & A forum, here.

Glad to have you with us! 🙂

[Author]

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