[Steve]

Hi April…I’ve been enjoying reading your advice to various folks for some time and have learned a lot as well have directly received some great advice from you through posts of my own. I have also purchased a couple of your books about date ideas and have enjoyed those and would encourage any of you readers to buy. Now I have a new question that I have been trying to get my hands around for a while that I think you’ll probably have some great ideas about.

Here’s my background…I am a divorced man in my mid-thirties. My ex-wife and I separated about a year-and-a-half ago, divorced about 6 months ago. The divorce was about as amicable as it could get. We didn’t have a lot of problems and rarely fought or argued. We got married due to pregnancy, but I always considered us to be great friends and lovers and always assumed we would have married regardless of the pregnancy, we just did things in reverse. We were (and remain) great parents and work well together on the parenting-end even since our split. My ex-wife initiated the divorce 100%…she just told me one-day with out warning or explanation that she wanted to leave. I never did really get much of an explanation…there is a chance that there was someone else involved, but she’s never admitted that and I have never had any concrete evidence one way or the other and simply decided it was something I would never know for sure and it really didn’t matter. Early on, I went through a period of self-reflection and accepted responsibility for things I had done wrong (working late a lot, over-rationalizing her emotions, etc.) and made a very strong effort to adjust and try to save the marriage, but to no avail. It was never a situation where I was “heart-broken” about loosing her, but more of one where I was concerned about the impact it would have on our daughter as I come from a strong nuclear family background and this was uncharted territory for me. In the end, the divorce has actually been a more positive step for me than my ex-wife and my daughter has been adjusting much better than I expected.

During the divorce, I also went through some significant career changes. I had been advancing in my previous job at a rapid pace…I was in a senior level executive at 31 and things were going great. Due to a regime change in the organization I was working in, I lost my job in a very difficult job market. I was able to secure employment right away, but it wasn’t what I was used to…I have been making enough money, but not the kind I had been making and I was no longer “the boss” which was a real change in my mind-set.

So, needless to say, the divorce combined with my career changes dealt a few blows to my ego and confidence. I’m a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of guy, so I was able to maintain plenty of pride and work through it, but to say I didn’t lose some confidence would be a lie.

I did not date until the divorce was final, but as soon as it was, I was out there re-learning the dating game for the first time in 10 years. I started with online dating where I met some great women and had some very fun dates and learned through trial and error. I am an attractive guy with lots of friends in my community and it wasn’t long before the women in the area were trying to set me up. Though this, I was introduced to great woman. She is very attractive, witty, funny, charming and confident. We hit it off right away and have been dating exclusively now for about three months. Things are great…we get along very well and both feel very comfortable with the idea of our relationship and seem to want the same things. We enjoy a lot of the same things, but have enough differences to keep it interesting. We treat each other with respect, but we both love a good argument every now again thus don’t have to be afraid to be honest with each other when we disagree. We are both outgoing, social people with lots of friends. We laugh endlessly together at things that no one else would find funny. The sex is great, but not the focal point of our relationship. In other words, I just can’t seem to find a single fault in this relationship.

So, why am I writing if everything is so great? Well, the one problem I seem to have is my confidence still isn’t back to where it was. I find that I have trouble believing she likes me as much as she seems to. I keep waiting for something to go wrong.

On one hand I have learned a great deal through my marriage/divorce…I have learned that it’s better to simply listen and be a shoulder to cry on rather than try to fix everything. I have learned that sometimes it’s better to admit that I don’t know all the answers and that I am wrong sometimes and that’s ok. I have learned that when she’s not in the mood to hang out, it’s not because she’s upset with me. And I have learned to walk away from an argument if she isn’t ready to discuss.

On the other hand, I find myself second guessing a lot…perhaps being a little insecure. Not in the way that I am threatened by other men (she has lots of guy friends and I have enjoyed getting to know them too), but in the way that eventually she’s going to lose interest and move-on.

I think I do a pretty good job not projecting any insecurities, but I am sure it is impossible to completely cover. For example, recently we were out on a date and having a great time and “busting each other chops” a bit as we often do and she took it a little too far and poked fun at me a bit about my “failed marriage” it was an innocent remark and appropriate for the setting, but I am just a little sensitive about that (she isn’t divorced…her first husband passed away several years ago in a car accident). I pouted a bit about this and it kind of put a damper on the moment and we went home (we did discuss it and I recognized that I was being over sensitive and she recognized that she shouldn’t have gone there and we made up, which is always the best part, right?). The bottom line though is that I don’t want to add unnecessary drama over silly things like this and turn her off by acting needy or insecure, but it just seems that I get my feelings hurt much more easily than what I’m used to (I generally have pretty think skin).

So, I guess my question is, what advice to you have for someone like me, who has taken a few kicks in the teeth, in order to project the same air of confidence that she was first attracted to? How can just trust and enjoy that she really is happy to have found someone like me and avoid worrying that she will eventually just show up one day and tell me she has lost interest in the relationship? (She has told me and showed me in many ways that she is very happy to have found someone like me and believes we have a future together.) Is it possible that I wasn’t ready for this type of relationship so soon (Maybe you shouldn’t answer that one 😉 )? We’ve revved things up pretty fast…should I try to take a few steps back? Is that even possible at this point?

I know this is very long, but you seem to be pretty good at finding the time to read and answer these long questions, so thank you in advance for your excellent advice!

[April Masini]

Hi Steve: Thank you so much for buying my books and for the good feedback on them. I always like to hear if and how my work has helped someone, so thanks for that, first of all! 🙂

Although you appear to project a guy who is even-tempered, thoughtful, and has done everything right and not really suffered any dings in your marriage and it’s divorce, as you write more, it appears you’re not being completely honest with yourself about the divorce, or how you’ve been hurt by it.

You were very hurt by your ex-wife leaving you, especially since you hadn’t done anything “wrong.” There was no cheating, no financial crises, no substance abuse and no workaholic behavior. She didn’t leave you because of anything you did. She left you because she didn’t want you any more. And while you pat yourself on the back for having had an amicable divorce, you haven’t allowed yourself to process the pain you’re suppressing from the rejection of your failed marriage. You have to remember that just because you rationalized the pregnancy that led to your marriage as taking steps backwards, she may not have had the same feelings. She may have felt that she was forced into the marriage, and while she behaved well within the marriage, she may not have wanted the marriage — bottom line, you really don’t know her feelings. Just her behavior.

The reason this hurt and these fears of yours are coming up now, is that you’re out there dating again, and you’ve found someone you’re beginning to commit to, you don’t want to fail in this relationship, so you’re wondering if this woman will also at some point down the line find that you’re not enough to keep her in the game, and will “amicably” walk out, as your ex-wife did. You don’t want to make the same mistake twice, and your inner flashing yellow light is on.

Rejection hurts. Allow yourself to feel and own the divorce rejection, and to talk about it so that it airs and has a chance to heal. What you did was suppress it, so that when your girlfriend poked fun at your failed marriage, she ripped open the scab and hurt you. If you can allow yourself to be deeply honest, and talk about your hurt and your fear of not being good enough for a woman — because that’s what happened in your marriage with one specific woman — you’ll be able to process the hurt, and the events that led up to what hurt you. This talk isn’t necessarily one you should have with your girlfriend. Talking to close family and friends who know you well, want the best for you, and will be as objective as they can, while still wanting the best for you, will be more helpful.

If you skip this step, it will come up again some other time. And each time it comes up, and you feel hurt, it’s a signal that you need to attend to this wound. But each time you do process and attend to it, you’re going to feel a little bit better, if only because you’re accepting that this wound is now part of who you are, and knowing who you are is always the key to finding someone compatible to your true you for a successful relationship.

Be aware that your current girlfriend doesn’t have the experience of having gone through a failed marriage, and she was cavalier about joking about yours. She may not have the life experience, maturity or sensitivity you are seeking. On the other hand, the problem may be that you just haven’t processed your divorce enough to be with someone who jokes about things. Regardless, this event has created an opportunity for you to go deeper within yourself — and with her (rather than retreat to your corner of the ring) to find out her feelings about this, and your own about hers. When a single parent dates and re-marries, their new spouse doesn’t have to have “matching luggage” in the emotional baggage aspect of life, but it helps. If you girlfriend is not going to be able to be empathetic to your divorce, your custody, or being a stepmother, you’re in for a rocky road.

It’s wonderful that you’re finding so many dates, but your job is to weed through them, and not allow anyone in if they’re not holding the compatibility ticket. At 3 months of dating it is appropriate for you to get to this kind of deeper level of screening in your dating.

So in answer to your question, should you slow things down on this 3 month relationship you are questioning right now, the answer is YES! Screen this woman you’re dating, and be scrupulous and do diligence. Just because she says things, doesn’t end the discussion. You need to see that this woman can walk the walk, as well as talk the talk. Value yourself in this relationship and don’t settle. You’re not just choosing a mate for yourself, you’re choosing a stepmother for your girl. So, date differently than last time around. I know it’s not romantic, but you have a child, and you may be picking her stepmother. Date for 2 — not just yourself! 😉

Your confidence will truly return, when you begin to accept your true self, at all your levels, and become comfortable that even though you’re wounded, even though you have a failed marriage, even though you’re hoping and doing everything you can this time around to choose someone wisely who will not find you to be not enough to stay, you are still full of wonderful qualities that make you a great father and a great boyfriend and husband to be. When you understand your limits and your assets, and know that you are valuable with both of those things, then you will feel confident.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[Steve]

Thanks, April. It does help…a great deal in fact. You’re very right on with most of your comments, but I guess that’s no surprise. You’ve given me a lot to think about here and I will certainly heed your advice and slow things down a bit with my new girlfriend. She is smart and compassionate and I think she has a lot to offer to offer, but we are both still plenty young and have no reason to hurry. Just as my daughter and I are still adjusting and healing so is she and her kids to a very traumatic loss of their own. We both respect each other enough to give each other the time needed to heal and in the long run know that it will payoff…regardless of whether that means things work out between us or they don’t…either way I think it will be for the right reasons and your advice will certainly contribute to that.

I also want to mention that you were spot-on with many of your points and I won’t go into much detail on that other than to say that while thinking over your comments, I did realize that I am so lucky to have many friends and family members who are supportive and willing to listen, yet when I talk with them about my divorce, I always keep it very factual and don’t go into how hurt I was by the situation…I will do better to take advantage of these resources and process more about how I was hurt by the rejection.

Many thanks for your wise and kind words!

[April Masini]

Glad I could help.

Good luck! 😀

[Author]

Posts