[Ecosse1970]

Hi all

I am a 39 yr old guy from Scotland and am seperated.

I worked with a woman a few years younger than me for about 4 years until I left about 3 years ago. We got on well and chatted a lot whilst we worked together.

Just over a month ago she got back in contact via Facebook and we started chatting again and quite quickly we were texting a few times every day. Purely as friends and never any flirting etc. She invited me up for coffee and we had a great chat for hours about our old work and what we were up to, etc, etc. She had a rough time of things with an abusive boyfriend and was now single and doing ok for herself.

Anyway, afterwards she said I could pop up to see her anytime. Again we were just friends with no hint of anything else from either of us.

So we text for another week and everything was going fine, until one day she text to say her dad wasnt well and her aunt had been diagnosed with cancer, and she was feeling a bit down. So I text her back and said how sorry I was to hear that and that I was thinking about her and cared she was feeling down. The text I got in return pretty much said “no one gives a damn about anyone, we only care about ourselves.”

The next day I sent a text asking if she was ok, heard nothing back. Later on that day, I text again saying that I know she must be feeling down and hoped she was ok. Still nothing. Over the next 3 days I text her again a few times asking if she was ok or if I had done something wrong, and if I had I was sorry. Still nothing.

I was worried that she may not be ok with all that was going on and just wanted her to know that I was around to help if I could in any small way. But still I received no reply. I had now not heard from her since monday and it was now friday morning. Up til monday we had been texting each other about a dozen times a day.

On my way home from work I passed her work so thought I would pop in with a wee xmas gift and say hi. So I walked into her office and the look she gave me would have stripped paint off the walls.

“Hi, how you doing?” I asked.
“Fine.” was the reply.
“I got you a little xmas present, just to cheer you up a wee bit.” I said.
“Just leave it at the door. ” came the cold reply.
“Its good to see you. ” I said realising I was not wanted in there.
“Whatever.” she said.

At this point I couldnt take much more of this kicking so left. But I returned about 5 mins later and asked her for 30 secs of her time to tell me what I had done wrong, if anything. But she just said “Please leave, I’ll call you later.”

She didnt call.

That was friday.

On the monday I text her again and said that I know guys have hurt her in the past, but that I was a nice guy that wasnt after anything from her but to be her friend and chat like we had done when we worked together or when we had coffee. I said I didnt think I had done anything to deserve being ignored and treated the way she did on friday, but that I was sorry if I had upset her in any way, and that I would be her friend if she needed one and hoped she and her family would be ok and things would get better.

The reply came shortly afterwards……….

“F*** off you idiot. You are not my friend and you know nothing about me. Go away. Do you understand???”

Maybe stupidly I text back “No I dont understand. You wont tell me why we have suddenly gone from being friends to you wanting nothing to do with me. Please tell me why then I will understand and leave you alone if thats what you wish.”

“Just dont text me again.” was the last text I received from her, now a fortnight ago.

I still dont understand what happened. We were chatting away as friends one minute then the next she hates me for reasons I dont understand.

I’m not angry at her, but the guys that made her feel she has to get in there first to stop herself getting hurt, even by a friend.

If she got back in touch then I would be happy to hear from her.

Anyone out there have any ideas why this happened or is i too late to ty and patch things up?

Thanks for reading what I now realise is a longer heartfelt plea than I thought it would be.

[April Masini]

You did everything right, and the problem you’re having with this woman is not accepting the fact that she is too emotionally damaged right now, to be in healthy relationship with you (or probably anyone).

It’s impossible to know her entire history or why she’s behaving as abusively to you (and herself) as she is. You’re not a doctor or a therapist, and she’s not your patient, so it’s time to focus on yourself, and step away from any person who isn’t treating you nicely. What I can assure you is that it’s not you she hates, so absolve yourself of that burden. She hates someone — either herself and/or people from her past. But it’s safer for her to act out her feelings on you, and no doubt other people, who won’t hurt her.

Hopefully, your friend will get the help that she needs, but that’s not something you can control. You’ve done everything in your power to be a good friend and a potential boyfriend, but she’s not available for either of those relationships, so you need to move on.

I hope that helps.

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